Author Archives: Short Fuse

Love & Hot Mess Atlanta

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta

 

Hey Lovers, 

Let’s discuss tonight’s Love & Hip Hop episode. 

  • Scrappy & Erica. Did Scrappy spend his last dollar on Erica’s ring? I ask because it’s clear he doesn’t have a Vaseline budget. Erica could’ve struck a match on his lips. Can you also tell me why he’s wearing a leather vest in his interview? That outfit is 1 step away from a “Yep, I’m gay” People Magazine cover.
  • Stevie J, Mimi & Joseline. Last season Joseline was my least favorite. This season she’s my most favorite. Mimi should take swag lessons from Joseline. Joseline wins all the time and stays on her grind. She won last week’s Molly the Maid confrontation. She won this week when she told Stevie J she was no longer interested in his D but she would appreciate him getting back to business. As for Mimi and that aging face, let’s just put her on the prayer list. It’s clear she has problems that cannot be solved by anyone of this earth. As for Stevie, I kinda feel like he’s 1 line of cocaine away from turning into Ike Turner.       
  • Traci & Drew. I want these two off the show. They’re bringing nothing. Chris Brown doesn’t bring anything anymore, what could we expect from his DJ? Traci just wants to marry her baby daddy & she’s about to buy a pretend sneaker store in order to do that. Waiting until 6 years after your kid is born to try to get the family in order is late and backwards.  This relationship is exactly what’s wrong with America and I’m over it. 
  • Shay & Mama Dee. Either Mama Dee is a lesbian or she’s using Shay as a proxy for herself. There’s something unnatural about Mama Dee’s interest in Shay. I know Ms. Mona pays well. Why was Mama Dee wearing a buy 1 get 1 synthetic wig? Also, I really need to know why she’s still rolling in her Pimp Mobile. At first glance I thought that was Stevie J’s raggedy ass bus. As for Shay, I’m wondering if she’s serious with these hairstyles. I guess VH1 alternate doesn’t pay that well.  

I can’t wait for next week’s episode. I’ve been wanting Erica to buss Mama Dee in the face for awhile. I know, that’s her daughter’s grandmother and all but Mama Dee is always coming out with some washed up pimp sh*t. We’ve heard that she’s a former pimp, but I want someone to push her wig back; literally. 

Did you see tonight’s episode? What did you think? Comment below and let me know.

Dear Mariah, Stay a lady

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Mariah & LaToya Married to Medicine

Hey Lovers! 

Yesterday I watched Married to Medicine to see the fight. I had no idea how epic the fight would be. The problem started because Ms. Mariah ‘I’m ill because I’m Married to a Bangladeshi Doctor’ Huq heard that Toya ‘I keep buying the wrong weave hair’ Bush-Harris told someone that Ms. Mariah isn’t as squeaky clean as she tries to portray because her husband isn’t her oldest child’s father. In fact, the child doesn’t even know that Dr. Bangladesh isn’t her daddy; scandalous, I know. 

Mariah & Toya see each other at a double birthday party for Mariah’s husband and another doctor. Mariah’s mother was there. I’m not in business of talking about people’s mamas but Ms. Lucy looks like she’s been on the hoe stroll since before Al Green got those grits thrown on him. Anyway, Ms. Lucy approached Toya throwing shade that only an old hoe could. Toya attempted to tell Mariah that she needed to check her mother. 

Instead of Mariah keeping it cute she decided to turn all the way up. That’s when next level fuckery broke out. Mariah & Toya tore up those White folks’ house. Glasses & fixtures were broken, edges & weaves were disrupted, it was just an all out mess. Instead of Ms. Lucy trying to break up the fight, she started hitting Toya with her clutch (told you she was an old hoe). 

Now that I’ve gotten you all caught up on what happened I have a message for Mariah. . . stay a lady. Mariah DM me @RantRaveRandom. It’s clear you’ve come from some far away gutter. What’s also clear is that you don’t want to return. I mean you’re running from your past so hard you won’t even admit you have an extra baby daddy. The next time you’re at an event telling people about your come up; I mean marriage. Just remember these 3 words “stay a lady.” I would say keep it cute but you’d probably say “she’s always cute” in a knock off Tamar voice and I certainly don’t have time for that. 

Side note: You started the fight and Toya won. What was the point? Now everyone thinks you’re tacky and everyone with eyes knows you can’t fight. Mariah, you have got to get better ideas. While you’re working on those ideas, please take my advice and stay a lady. 

Did you see the fight? What did you think? Comment below and let me know! 

Dear Ray-J

Posted in Love, Random, Reality TV, Uncategorized by

Ray-J Kim K

Dearest Ray-J,

I can’t say I’m a fan but then again, who can? From your most recent stunt it’s clear you need someone with sense to speak to you and I’m happy to do it!

The title of your upcoming single “I hit it first” with a pixelated picture of Kim Kardashian really baffles me. Why do you feel the need to diss a pregnant woman?

Have you heard of Kenya Moore? Google her and read about the “Kenya Moore Problem” here https://rantraverandom.com/2013/02/21/diane-dixons-kenya-moore-problem/. The fact you feel the need to make a song about your pregnant ex-girlfriend literally 10 years after the fact let’s me know you’re not having great ideas this year. 

Let’s review a few things in case you don’t get my post. The video was made in 2003 and released in 2007. You’ve done several reality shows since that time. Kim K has done at least 99 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and its various spin offs as well as Dancing With the Stars. You were rumored to have messed with a singing show contestant as well as the late great Whitney Houston. Kim has dated Reggie Bush, her bodyguard and Miles Austin. Her second marriage started & ended and we know her status with Kanye West. Do you see where I’m going? You’ve both done plenty of living since your split.

I also have an issue  with the actual title “I hit it first” sounds like something a rapper would say when he’s talking about how easily he smutted Erica Mena after buying her 3 glasses of Moscato. You and Kim K were in a relationship and as the video shows, in edition to hitting it first you also beat it raw and ate it first too. Don’t act tough now; we have receipts .  

To end this I’m just going to give you a couple recommendations. You can thank me later. 

  1. Find a church home. You’ll do better if you walk with the Lord.
  2. Try to host parties. On your reality show you claimed you made $1 million a year from hosting parties. Your recent actions show that you’re probably best suited for jobs that don’t require too many words to leave your mouth.
  3. Find a hook or feature. I’m sure there’s a rapper or singer somewhere who would let you sing a hook for him or her. I was watching Love & Hip Hop and both Olivia and L’oreal are available.
  4. Talk to your sister. Brandy fell off for a while but now she’s back with another album as well as roles on TV and in movies. Find out how she did what she did. 
  5. Get a journal. Every disrespectfully salacious thought you have isn’t for your Garageband App, write it down; you’ll feel better. 

If you have any questions feel free to DM me @RantRaveRandom. 

Gossip Game

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

The Gossip Game

 

Last night we got a new show, Gossip Game on VH1. As your Go to Girl for Reality Tea, I felt compelled to watch. The cast members are:

  • Angela Yee of Power 105’s Breakfast Club. I find Angela Yee adorable. I think this show is a better look for her than managing L’oreal. Is that a problem? 
  • K. Foxx. I want to like K. Foxx but her bad wig is distracting. I did like how she kept it cute at the table with Angela Yee & Jas Baggy Eye Fly.  
  • Kim Osorio. I love that Kim Osorio is on this show. She’s the first female editor of the Source. It’s great for young girls to a woman of color in such a powerful position. Kim’s husband however needs a time out. He manages Slaughter House yet his artist is chasing Tahiry’s cakes to other countries and not making music.  
  • Ms. Drama. Ms. Drama has the right name. She doesn’t have the right wig or the right undergarments but I guess you can’t have everything. 
  • Jas Fly. Jas really didn’t give me anything. I liked how she ambushed Angela Yee & K. Foxx but I’m going to need her to get one of the under eye roller ball things because those bags were distracting me. 
  • Sharon Carpenter of Global Grind. Everyone knows I love Black & Brown people with English accents so Sharon was already in with me. I loved the fact she’s on the cast since I’ve seen her do actual journalism for major networks. It also looks like she’s going to bring something other that “I’m something like a journalist but I’ll Erica Mena you.” I was all with her until she started with the “I’m so pretty it’s holding me back.” Sharon, this is America you can never be too pretty that’s like saying you’re too rich. 
  • Vivian Billings. Ms. Vivian was giving us NYC Hood realness. We knew that from the minute she said she has 4 kids, been with their father for 13 years but has only been married for 2. Vivian was giving us Jamaica Ave and I loved it.   

I liked the cameos from Charlamagne and Star (of Star & Bucwild). Episode 1 gave enough drama to make me tune in next week. I want to see what’s going to happen with this whole Angela v. K. Foxx thing, whether Ms. Drama will get a better wig and whether Vivian will threaten to cut a bitch.  

Did you watch? Will you continue to watch? Comment below and let me know! 

ATL Wrap

Posted in Reality TV by
RHOA Season 5

RHOA Season 5

 

Hey Lovers, 

I know it’s been awhile but let’s get back into it! Sunday was the Season Finale of the 5th Season of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Let’s begin with my questions. 

  1. What ever happened to Phaedra being an attorney? We’ve heard about stun guns, big buns and all other kinds of messiness but not a word about her actual profession. 
  2. Why was the whole finale centered around Kenya’s party? It was interesting for about 1 minute when Kenya called security on Porsha and Peter staged a walked out but I just didn’t find it interesting. 
  3. Am I the only one who does NOT miss Kim? 

 

Now we know. . .

Now we that in Atlanta, you can get a step & repeat for anything, see Kenya’s party. We also know that Phaedra’s thirst for “donk” compliments is real. As Porsha’s “malice content” comment showed, we know her vocabulary is as limited as her marriage. Finally, we know that Nene’s new life as a result of her role on the New Normal has revived her role on the show. Her confessionals have been all the way on point and not to mention hilarious this season.

While I kind of hated this finale, I cannot wait for the reunion. There are so many things we need to have resolved. Here’s my list of things I want addressed by Andy Cohen. 

  • Will Nene return for another season? 
  • Is Nene really going to have an elobarate wedding to Grandpa Gregg?  
  • Did Kenya really hire Walter to play her boyfriend? 
  • Does Porsha regret being a well dressed doormat only to find out her husband was divorcing her via TMZ?
  • Does Phaedra really believe she’s qualified to give workout tips? In the words of Diddy I think she’s “1 cheeseburger away”
  • Now that Peter & Cynthia don’t have a storyline will they return?  

Did you watch? Do you have any thoughts? Comment below and let me know! 

Diane Dixon’s Kenya Moore Problem

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Image

 

Hey Lovers, 

It’s been awhile. I’ve missed you. When a low down dirty monkey with a wig on attempted to shade me, I immediately thought of what an epic story it would be. 

I was in the office minding my business then suddenly Ratchet Barbie appeared. She blew through the office like a ghetto Tasmanian Devil. She kept saying “do you like my new teeth? I got dental implants. Remember my old teeth?” to everyone who passed her. As if that wasn’t bad enough she was wearing $1 shower flip flops. I checked the display on my phone to make sure that we were still in February because I couldn’t believe my eyes. As Hurricane Hoodrat blew from one office to the next I caught a glimpse of her “hair.” Well, I don’t know if I should call it hair since she was rocking a synthetic lace front so far down on her forehead it was looking like a hat. I immediately dialed up my homie M. Easy because I needed a witness.  

When she was finally making her way out, after telling various stories about her teeth and other tales of fake grandeur, she stopped and began speaking to us. She then proceeded to tell us that she’s “famous” and we should Google her. As she was speaking I could only hear Jim Jones girlfriend Chrissy’s voice in my head saying, “I’m mad you got your top teeth done and not the bottom.” A coworker attempting to be polite on her behalf decided to introduce her to M. Easy and me. She points to him and says “I know you’re a lawyer.” Then she points to me and says “you MUST be an intern.” I guess Black women can’t be lawyers in her small mind.

After that amount of shade, I decided to find out who exactly this woman was. I got her name then I proceeded to Google her. Ms. Diane Dixon has a bigger Kenya Moore problem than Kenya Moore. According to her Wiki page, Diane won an Olympic gold medal in 1984. Yes, ’84 as in before I was born. That wasn’t the only thing the Google Machine revealed. According to the NY Post (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/regional/item_e02g3B1XMBG9L1PQdEpRNL), Ms. D. Dixon is an alleged jump off of former NY Governor David Patterson. Those 2 nuggets of information made that whole encounter worth it. 

Take aways: 1. If your only claim to fame is something that no one remembers from nearly 30 years ag;o you’re not famous. 2. Telling someone to Google you after you’ve been implicated in a sex scandal probably isn’t the best idea.

Have you ever encountered someone with a Kenya Moore problem? Comment below and let me know!      

 

 

Being Mandela

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Image

Hey Lovers, 

Last week I was minding my own business watching Politics Nation with the Rev. Al Sharpton (who is my grandfather in my mind) when he showed a segment with Zaizwe and Swati, the granddaughters of the great Nelson was incarcerated for 27 years Mandela. It was a normal interview at first then Rev. Al proceeded to mention that Swati, Zaizwe, Winnie Mandela and a gang of their other relatives were going to be on a new reality show called “Being Mandela” on Cozi TV. My first thought was “What the **** is Cozi TV?” My next thought was “why?” Why are the descendants of such an icon doing a reality show? 

Since I had so many questions I decided I had to watch. I found out what Cozi TV is. For all of you who have Cablevision in NYC, it’s channel 109. I watched yesterday since The Grammy Awards, RHOA and the Shah’s finale were all ahead of the Mandelas. 

During their interview with Rev. Al, Swati & Zaizwe, the Kourtney & Kim of this series, claimed they did not want to do anything to tarnish the Mandela name and Nelson Mandela  would not be shown on the show. As I watched my mind went back to their interview. The show basically follows these 2 women and their life. They work for the Mandela museum and they’re both mothers. Zaizwe has 3 children and Swati has 1. Swati basically said she’s single and ready to mingle. During episode 1 we got to see Winnie Mandela in an age appropriate wig. We also got to see some of the Mandela great grandchildren. 

I may give this show one more episode but as of right now I’m feeling like Swati & Zaizwe must have some ulterior motive. Being Nelson Mandela’s grandchild means that you have enough connections to do whatever you want, so why a reality show?

The preview for next week’s episode showed Swati showing up to the kids’ baptism allegedly hungover. We’ll also meet their 3rd sister and see her curse out Swati. For these reasons, Swati & Zaizwe may added to the list of people who are on time out along with Keyshia Cole. To me, this would be like Martin Luther King’s granddaughters doing a reality show. Other than trying to get their 5 minutes of fame, do we really need to an icon’s relatives acting a fool on TV?

Do you think the Mandela crew needs to be on reality TV? Will you watch? Comment below and let me know! 

Leave Whitney Alone

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Whitney Houston

Hello Lovers,

I hope you had a great weekend. As I was watching LL Cool J’s episode of Next Chapter I saw a commercial for Cissy Houston’s upcoming episode. I have only one request. Can we please leave Whitney alone? This is starting to be too much. Well, it was too much when the family did that messy ass show only 3 months after Whitney passed away. Aside from the show, last week Wendy Williams reported that Cissy Houston has written a book that will be released this week. I’m not here for this book. I’m not here for the family doing more interviews anytime in the near future and I’m certainly not here for another season of the Houstons.

At this point what do we need to know that we don’t already know? It seems like the main characters have had ample opportunities to give us their story. After Cissy Houston’s interview I propose that a moratorium be placed on Whitney Houston interviews. We’ve heard Bobby Brown’s side. We’ve heard from the brother and sister in law. We’re about to hear from Cissy Houston. Bobby Kristina told us her side during the few lucid moments she had on the show.  Hell, even Bobby Brown’s sister got a check back in the day when she sold her story to the tabloids then did interviews under the guise of wanting Whitney to get help. If my memory serves me correctly, even a couple members of New Edition gave their 2 cents on Bobby & Whitney. At this point the only person we haven’t heard from on the topic of Whitney Houston is Ray-J; thankfully. 

We know Whitney Houston was arguably one of the best singers to ever live. We know Whitney Houston is our favorite singer’s favorite singer. We know how she tragically lost her life too soon. We know Bobby Kristina is 1 new prescription away from an episode of Intervention. We know Whitney & Bobby were crazy (and high) in love.  I know, I’d just like for Whitney to be allowed to rest in peace without every few months a book, reality show, episode of Next Chapter or whatever else is being dreamed up to claim we’re being told something we haven’t heard in the previous book, show or interview. 

So Lovers, what do you think? Have we heard enough about the rise and tragic fall of Whitney Houston? Comment below and let me know! 

Starter Wives, will you watch?

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Starter Wives

Hello Lovers! I hope 2013 is treating you well. I have a question for all you beautiful people. Will you be watching Starter Wives with me? 

On Tuesday we’ll be introduced to new show on TLC called Starter Wives. At first I was not interested. You saw “Hollywood Exes.” It was a bunch of middle aged women discussing  the lives of luxury they used to have but not really giving us anything else.  I originally thought this show was going to be more of the same thing until I learned about the cast. Before we discuss the cast, I must warn you, the term “wives” is being used in “Basketball Wives” sense, which is not really. There are like 2 real wives but the majority of the women are baby mamas/ex-fiances. On to the cast members who have caught my eye and made we want to give this show a chance. 

  • Josie Harris: Ex-fiance of Floyd Mayweather Jr. Is she the one who was involved in that domestic violence case that landed Money Mayweather in jail? Will she spill the tea about Mayweather’s homoerotic bromance with 50 Cent? Depending how she plays this I foresee a  book deal in her future. I mean, they gave Toya Carter a book and she doesn’t even have a GED. 
  • Liza Morales: Baby mama of Lamar Odom. Will she be throwing shade at the Kardashian Klan?  How does she feel about not getting the ring after 2 kids then Lamar Odom went on to marry Khloe after knowing her only 30 days? Will she show her kids on this show while we’ve never seen them on any of the 5011 Kardashian shows? I’m rooting for Liza.
  • Tashera Simmons: Wife of DMX. I’m sure Tashera has some DMX crack tales we’ve yet to hear. On Couples Therapy we learned that DMX has approximately 7 side babies. The long history, rise & fall from stardom and all around messiness will make great TV.  
  • Monica Joseph-Taylor: Wife of DJ Funkmaster Flex. Am I the only one who thinks Funk Flex is hiding something? I don’t know what the something is but I want Monica to tell.
  • Zakia Baum: ex-girlfriend of rapper Maino. Maino is like a less classy version of Jadakiss (which I like). As a result, I know Ms. Zakia has some stories. I want to know if she was on the scene when Maino was incarcerated for kidnapping and a laundry list of other things. 

Yesterday Wendy Williams reported that 50 Cent’s baby mama Shaniqua was supposed to be a castmember but pulled out at the last minute. I’m guessing 50 cut a bigger check than TLC did. The cast also includes Cheryl Caruso the ex-wife of alleged Mobster Phil “Philly” Caruso. We have a show for mob wives called Mob Wives so I could probably live without her but I’m not knocking the hustle.

All in all I think this show could get a spot in my Tuesday night lineup if these women spill the appropriate amount of tea. The appropriate amount being enough to keep it interesting but not too much where it seems like they’re bitter.  

So, will you be watching? Comment below and let me know! 

Consequence’s consequences

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Love & Hip Hop Season 3

Love & Hip Hop Season 3 Jen & Cons

Hello Lovers!

Let me start by saying “Happy New Year” since this is my first post of 2013. Last night on Love & Hip Hop we were introduced to Jen “used to have a pen,” and her baby’s daddy Consequence along with his very pronounced overbite. At first I didn’t want to like Consequence because his overbite and the fact he lives in Staten Island makes it hard for me to take him seriously. Then, Jen started talking. She was calling herself a housewife but she’s not married; strike 1. Later, she told Consequence that he had to increase the budget for their son’s first birthday party because her family is expecting her to ball out since she’s with a “big rapper.” That ladies and gentlemen was when I was finished with Jen and her alleged pen.

People on Twitter and Facebook were divided. Some people claimed that it was wrong for Consequence to limit the budget. Others including me thought it was totally reasonable for Consequence to tell Jen if she wanted more than what they agreed on then she should find a way to pay for it. Let’s explore this.

I know being a marginally known rapper’s baby’s mama is an emerging industry but does that mean that these women are entitled to a come up against the man’s wishes? We can all agree that every man no matter what the income should support his child. However, does that mean that if the man has a lot of cash he has to finance whatever overpriced extravagant thing the mother thinks the child should have?   I don’t think so.

Further, just because the father is of substantial means, does that mean the mother never has to contribute? After all, doesn’t it take 2? Jen sounds like the person who wanted all the extras but expected Consequence to foot the bill. How is that fair? And anyway let’s be honest, no one, I repeat no one remembers their first birthday. Fancy first birthday parties have just become a stuntfest for the parents lately.

I’m really trying to think of an argument in favor of Jen but I can’t find one that makes much sense. She wanted a party for the child. She got a party for the child but because Consequence didn’t make it rain for a 1 year old’s birthday party, he’s the bad guy?

Dear Jen, You’re not the typical client I’d help for free but it’s clear you need someone. If you don’t like the crumbs Consequence is giving you, you have an option. While you claim to know housewives who don’t have a budget, you are not a wife. You can get a child support order and then you’ll collect checks. It may not be as much as you want but it will probably be more than Consequence wants which is victory in itself. If you don’t want to take my advice you might have to do like a lot of other women who have children and work. It may appear that having a baby seems like hitting the lottery, it isn’t. That’s all. DM me @rantraverandom if you have any further questions.