The 7 Year Old Slayer

For those of you who don’t know, during my teenage years babysitting was my job. It gave me cash to buy the things my mother refused to buy. Don’t tell her I told you. So, a couple weeks ago when I heard a family friend would be spending the night with us I was low-key excited. Everyone meet Jess! She’s 7 years old and will be 8 later this year.    

Jess & Me

One of our Sleep-Over Activities was makeup application. 7 isn’t too young for her to learn about brow highlight colors, right?

Fun Facts: Jess’s aunt was my babysitter way back in the day and our families have known each other for over 40 years. 

Remember how I mentioned earlier that I was low-key excited? That’s because it had been awhile since I was around someone her age and I honestly I had no idea what kids are into these days. Cue activity #1: Rubber Band Bracelets. At first I thought this was going to be like Minecraft (another thing that kids understand but I don’t). All you need to make the bracelets are the rubber bands and your hands. The perfectionist in me was not going to let some tiny rubber bands beat me even when my fingers starting getting numb from their tightness. I persevered. Check out the finished product:  

Move over TI. We rule the bands

After we watched Lilo & Stitch and Jess told me that the fact I was in college in 2007 (the year she was born) makes me old, I realized she had won. I conceded victory and bid her goodnight as I took her to my mother so she could go to bed. 

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. After I returned from a meeting, I found Jess watching the Disney Channel. She told me she was watching a show called “Dog With A Blog” http://disneychannel.disney.com/dog-with-a-blog. My first thought was “How can a dog blog? How does he type with paws?” That’s when I realized I’m not the target demographic of the Disney Channel. Anyway, I told Jess I have a blog. She asked to be on it. Now she’s on it! 

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Dear Ray-J

Ray-J Kim K

Dearest Ray-J,

I can’t say I’m a fan but then again, who can? From your most recent stunt it’s clear you need someone with sense to speak to you and I’m happy to do it!

The title of your upcoming single “I hit it first” with a pixelated picture of Kim Kardashian really baffles me. Why do you feel the need to diss a pregnant woman?

Have you heard of Kenya Moore? Google her and read about the “Kenya Moore Problem” here https://rantraverandom.com/2013/02/21/diane-dixons-kenya-moore-problem/The fact you feel the need to make a song about your pregnant ex-girlfriend literally 10 years after the fact let’s me know you’re not having great ideas this year. 

Let’s review a few things in case you don’t get my post. The video was made in 2003 and released in 2007. You’ve done several reality shows since that time. Kim K has done at least 99 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and its various spin offs as well as Dancing With the Stars. You were rumored to have messed with a singing show contestant as well as the late great Whitney Houston. Kim has dated Reggie Bush, her bodyguard and Miles Austin. Her second marriage started & ended and we know her status with Kanye West. Do you see where I’m going? You’ve both done plenty of living since your split.

I also have an issue  with the actual title “I hit it first” sounds like something a rapper would say when he’s talking about how easily he smutted Erica Mena after buying her 3 glasses of Moscato. You and Kim K were in a relationship and as the video shows, in edition to hitting it first you also beat it raw and ate it first too. Don’t act tough now; we have receipts .  

To end this I’m just going to give you a couple recommendations. You can thank me later. 

  1. Find a church home. You’ll do better if you walk with the Lord.
  2. Try to host parties. On your reality show you claimed you made $1 million a year from hosting parties. Your recent actions show that you’re probably best suited for jobs that don’t require too many words to leave your mouth.
  3. Find a hook or feature. I’m sure there’s a rapper or singer somewhere who would let you sing a hook for him or her. I was watching Love & Hip Hop and both Olivia and L’oreal are available.
  4. Talk to your sisterBrandy fell off for a while but now she’s back with another album as well as roles on TV and in movies. Find out how she did what she did. 
  5. Get a journal. Every disrespectfully salacious thought you have isn’t for your Garageband App, write it down; you’ll feel better. 

If you have any questions feel free to DM me @RantRaveRandom. 

Love You Long Time

Over the last few years it has come to my attention that grown people still expect others to tread lightly around their issues. Let’s discuss. 

Have you ever learned that an innocent comment made in jest shook someone’s core? This, I do not understand. Who knows you better than you? Chances are whatever’s being said is something you’ve heard already. If that’s the case, tell us why you’re mad. Well, don’t tell me. I’m not good at feelings. I digress. 

For example, if you’re a woman whose wardrobe consists entirely of men’s clothing, you’re a cross dresser. No shade, just facts. If someone says you cross dress, why are you mad at them? If you don’t want to be called a cross dresser, I have a simple solution; don’t cross dress. It’s kind of like not wanting to get a degree in engineering because you don’t want to be called an engineer. 

I know everyone goes through that “awkward phase” at some point in their life. However, I’m pretty sure you should be settled on your insecurities by the time you’re old enough to legally drink. In middle school I was teased about my lips. I was called “Big Lip,” “Bubble Lip,” and told I needed “lip-o-suction.” It didn’t take an it’s gets better campaign to know my worth didn’t come from those people who were undoubtedly battling their own insecurities. I’m not mad at those people. As a matter of fact I should probably be asking for residuals on the lip plumper I know they’re buying. 

I know adult problems require a little more than the “sticks and stones” approach but at this point either embrace your idiosyncrasies or change them. Chances are that no one outside of your Circle of Trust cares particularly one way or the other. Remember the words of Katt Williams “it’s called self-esteem.” 

Am I wrong about any of this? If so, let me know! 

Love this randomness, follow me on Twitter @RantRaveRandom

The Khloe K. Problem

Last year we discussed the Kim K. problem. The Kim K. Problem is that girl we all know who is always madly in love with their flavor of the month (think Kim K. or Royce). Click: https://triple18.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/the-kim-k-problem/ if you need to catch up on that discussion. 

After thinking about my own emotional walls, I began to wonder. Could I be susceptible to the Khloe K. “Problem?” Not being considered the ugly duckling but having emotional walls after a few bad relationships then all of a sudden falling head over ankles for someone when you didn’t expect it. 

Let’s discuss!

For those of you who aren’t aware of Khloe’s back story. . .she had been lied to and cheated on (both on & off TV). Then she met Lamar Odom fell madly in love and got married 1 month later. Now she speaks to him in baby talk and they drink from each other’s mouth. Seeing that made me think, at what point do your emotional walls stop holding some things out but rather holding a lot of things in? 

There was a time when walking around for hours doing nothing in particular and staying on the phone all night was normal. Then things went very far left. That beautifully innocent love got traded for Project Girls calling me from blocked numbers to explain that they’re tired being Girlfriend #2 and they’d like nothing more than to have my top spot. Then I began to ask myself, what is this all for? Do we all just have our hearts open Kim K. style for no good reason? Of course when you first fall for someone you never imagine he’d go Anthony Weiner and start sending d*ck pics online. How does one recover from these kinds of things?

If any of you have the answer please tell me. Is there a way to remain smart about this when love is stupid (practically) speaking? I’m afraid that since I’ve become so good at avoiding being vulnerable and thinking I’m special enough to beat statistics I could be ripe for a Khloe K. situation.  I ask because I have no problem being crazy; crazy in love is an entirely different story. 

Is it possible to go from situations that  even the greatest fiction writer couldn’t imagine to falling madly in love, ignoring logic and statistics and thinking that putting my closest friends in bad dresses from David’s Bridal is what I want for my life? This, I must know. 

While this has turned out to be more of a barrage of questions to which I have no answers than the whit and sarcasm I normally give, I ask that you just roll with me.

The Kim K. Problem

Kim K. with number ___ love of her life

Last Sunday, you know I watched E! It was the season premiere of the K Team. There was a scene where Kim and Khloe got into an argument because Kim has now found the love of her life, the White basketball player who might be mute but Khloe had pictures of the 2 previous loves of Kim’s life (Reggie Bush & Miles Austin). It got me thinking, I know reality TV is usually only good for the opposite of thinking. Do any of your friends (most likely female) have the Kim K problem? I know a few of mine do. This problem has been around probably as long as humanity itself. I don’t know about you but being friends with someone who has the Kim K (every boyfriend is the love of my life) Problem is exhausting and amazing at the same time.
You might be wondering why I’m calling love a problem. It’s not actual love that’s the problem. It’s people like Kim K who think every touch of infatuation means someone is the love of their life. Watch a Kardashian marathon and you’ll see what I mean. How genuine is your love if 9 out of 10 people you’ve dated have been referred to by you as “the love of your life?” That’s almost as bad as calling every child gifted. So let’s add that to the list of untrue things that make no sense.
Earlier I said my friends with the Kim K Problem both exhaust and amaze me. They exhaust me because every time I hear from them the conversation is usually something along the lines of “Now I’m with X and I love him so much.” That statement is usually followed by a few unrelated, probably untrue medley of facts about why they make the perfect couple and will certainly live happily ever after. This where the exhaustion hits. I’ve had to train myself to be able to zone out, while keeping a straight face but absorbing enough of the fairy tale so I don’t have to be reminded of it the next time we speak. I can only wonder why these people don’t love me enough to spare me.
I’m no longer amazed enough to give these stories my full attention but the pieces that do make it into my head amaze me. How optimistic, insane, short sighted, etc. must a person be in order to be crazy in love with every person they date? By crazy in love I mean, FB picture posting, BBM icon changing, telling friends over & over. I’m amazed by these things. Are these people serious? Are they crazy? Are they trying to prove something? Maybe they’re taunting me on purpose because they know I’d choose to be tattooed by a blind 1 handed child over being retarded in love.
I have a possible cure to the Kim K Problem. If you or a friend tends to think every person is “the one” treat the situation like any other situation. Are every pair of shoes you buy the best pair ever? Is ever job you have your best job ever? Is each new friend you make better than all the friends you already have? The answer to these questions is surely no. So I say, let’s refrain from being overly effusive about these relationships that have a snowball’s chance in Hell. After all, if every person is the love of your life with whom you wanna have little love addicted babies, are they really that special? Also, do your friends (and me) a solid and spare them from all your love. I promise you, they’ll love you more for it.