Wrong is the new Right?

The perpetual entertainment that we get from the Republican debates makes me wish the election season wasn’t so close. Here are just a few of my thoughts on the Special Olympics contestants.

Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney
I was in college in Boston while he was the governor so I don’t have to ask from where did they get him. We have a fetish for making former governors President. It was all fun until we got that one from Texas; I digress. Mitt is a trip to say the least. Doesn’t it look like he’s an actor playing the role of someone running for Office? Everyday he says the opposite of what he said yesterday if he thinks it’ll help him get higher than 20% in the polls. Mitt’s like that girl in high school who’s with you today but against you tomorrow when she thinks she’s made 2 new friends and the reality is that no one really cares for her that much. I shouldn’t be so hard on Willard. After all, he did stop hiring “illegals.”

Crazy Uncle Ron Paul
Ron Paul, where do we begin? Ron Paul is that reclusive neighbor or relative you only see a few times a year because you’re still recovering from the last time you had family dinner. I love watching him on TV; a tiny man in an oversized crooked suit who wants to legalize everything and let people die all while telling you this with a straight face. I think Ron Paul needs a reality show, imagine what crazy things he says daily.

Rick Perry/Bush 2.0
Rick is the reason why no one messes with Texas. He seems to have taken that whole “live free” thing from New Hampshire too far. Every time he visits he gives a speech it makes me wonder why his staffers let him get on camera before he comes down from his high. Am I suggesting he’s using illegal drugs? No, I think he likes libations; a lot. His speeches show that he’s totally unqualified to be President but probably really fun at parties. Honestly I’d say that even if I didn’t believe it, I’m not trying to get dropped at Niggerhead. I had a couple other things I wanted to say about him but I can’t remember my other gripes. . .oops!

Michelle Blockhead, I mean Bachman
I like the Tea Party Princess because she’s a walking contradiction. Do you know anyone else who is against big government but is a former government employee, doesn’t like Medicaid but owns a business that gets paid through Medicaid, thinks ending slavery was great but forgot the Founders owned slaves? She’s another one who scares me. I don’t know if it’s her “crazy eyes” or the fact she said aloud vaccinations cause mental retardation. I just want to ask what causes her perpetual brain farts. Anytime you confuse John Wayne, the coolest guy to ever live with a serial killer, I have no use for you.

Cry Baby Santorum

Everyone knows you have to have a sense of humor to be President. Santorum called SNL and Dan Savage bullies after they made gay jokes about him. Personally, I think we all need to give a tip of the gay flag to Savage for figuring out how to get spreadingsantorum.com to the top of the search results every time. Other than Ricky being weird about gays and way too sensitive he’s pretty forgettable. Let’s move on.

Jon Worked for Obama which is why he’ll never win with the Retarded Right Huntsman

I like Huntsman too bad he committed right suicide by saying science is real and we can’t ignore it. Everyone knows that in order to win with the extreme right wing, you better say you got a degree from Hogwarts. I kid, we know they didn’t read Harry Potter (or anything else).

Newt serial marrying Gingrich

He’s another one who should do stand up comedy. Anyone who says that someone playing an undoctored tape of them is lying has to be joking. I also find it funny that the person who was pressing the homie Bill Clinton for getting brain then lying about it is married to his third wife. His third wife who was his mistress when he was married to his second wife. In a 3 degrees of Newt separation kinda thing, Newt cheated on his first wife with his second wife. Newt needs to listen to some hip hop music because he stays ‘cuffing his hoes. Actually, Newt could hang with the rappers, he has a gang of hoes, he made millions talking ish and he bought half a millie worth of jewelry from Tiffany’s. If that doesn’t say rapper, I don’t know what does.

Herman Came to Bring the Pain Cain

I’ll be happy when the primaries are over. I need Herman Cain to go away, far away. As if the Olive Oil commercials, ATL Housewives and BET didn’t make Black folks look bad enough Cain comes out reciting lines from Pokemon and the Simpsons. I just really want Cain to stop shuckin’ and jivin’ for these people. When you recite lines from a cartoon it’s no wonder why Ann Coulter thinks it’s okay to make the statement about you being one of “their Blacks.” Actually, with that kind of coonery, they can have you. I’m happy the Cain Train has been derailed and discontinued just like that ice cream flavor he likened himself to. Cain should also consider hanging with rappers because I’m sure they’d tell him that not switching up your hoes periodically is definition of slippin’.

Overall I’ve enjoyed this nomination madness because it’s given me something to watch on the couple days a week when ATL Housewives, the Braxtons and Love & Hip Hop aren’t on.

Who’s your favorite righty? Let me know!

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Fake Friends

This topic is something I’ve wanted to write on for awhile but I procrastinate more than a teenage boy maturates. Recently I’ve had 2 experiences (that I know of) with fake something like friends. 1 was with a friend of a friend. The other was with a person who indeed had me confused. It’s okay because she’s now dead to me. You may be thinking “that’s a bit harsh.”  You’re right. If that’s too harsh for you just insert that line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 songs “If I never see [their] face[s] again, I don’t mind.” These people are as useful as a flashlight missing a bulb and batteries during a blackout.

I have a request. Can we put all these people on an island? Ok, maybe just for social things; nah, everything. I’m over 25 and I still have no use for these people. How do you ever have a real interaction with a fake person? I think I need a faketionary because there’s no way I can understand these beings otherwise.

I find these people funny in a sad way. How much is your life lacking that you have the time AND motivation to deal with someone who you don’t care for really? I have a hard enough time keeping up with the people I value. The thought of dealing with people I don’t like for whatever reason appeals to me as much as a root canal. I don’t blame either of these 2 sad souls for what they did, be clear. I blame myself for not recognizing that they weren’t shit in the first place.

If you all have any tips, thoughts or knowledge on this situation please comment because I have a strange feeling I may keep encountering these kind of people and I don’t want them to be confused because the “S” in my name is not for “sucka,” “slouch” or “soft.”

Let’s end with a line from one of my favorite rappers Fabolous…I’d rather a real enemy than a fake friend. Enemies will shoot you from the front but ‘friends’ will stab you in the back.

Classroom Don’ts

For those of you who know me, you know I’ve been in school for about 100 years. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or because school has gotten progressively more expensive. Following are just a few of my thoughts on things that should NOT be done in classrooms.

  • Don’t eat smelly food. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I understand that many times you’re running from class to class or class to work, etc but if you need to eat in class please pick something that is REASONABLE. It always amazes me how people think it’s appropriate to eat an egg sandwich, Philly cheese steak, fish, cabbage or whatever other smelly food they can dream up in a crowded classroom. I can’t even listen to what the professor is saying because I’m fantasizing about how much I want to snatch that cheese steak from your hand, onions and all and throw it and you out of the classroom for being so ridiculously inconsiderate.
  • Don’t sit front and center if you plan on being late regularly. You know yourself, if you give yourself 30 minutes to get to class and live at least 35 minutes away, middle of the front row 5 people in is NOT the place for you. Repeatedly showing up late while trying to inconspicuously slide into your seat is the weekday version of a walk of shame. Don’t let it be you.
  • Don’t take crowded classes if you don’t bathe regularly. What has the rest of the class done to you that you’re making them smell your ever accumulating funk? It’s unfair.
  • Don’t let your child sit in someone’s seat. I understand that you may want Boo Boo to see what you’re learning or daycare may be closed however, I don’t care how cute your child is, they didn’t pay for that seat, your classmate did. You may be thinking that’s a bit harsh, it is. You know what else is harsh, this tuition, keep Junior out of other people’s space.
  • Don’t skip class if you’ve been warned it’s your turn to speak, lead, present, etc. I’m all for taking a mental health day however taking that day when you’re on the hot seat is not the right behavior for this world. I was placed in this situation a few weeks ago. The other person who was supposed to be on call with me skipped class though we were told we would be called on. I was prepared so answering the professor’s questions wasn’t really a big deal. My issue with not showing up instead of just saying you plan to skip class is that appears to be kind of passive aggressive and I prefer regular aggressive.
  • Do keep your feet in your shoes. It’s bad enough I’ve attended school in 2 states where people wear flip flops for far too long, now people are removing their shoes. A couple weeks ago I saw someone in class remove her shoes then let them hang into the aisle. Besides the obvious rudeness, the polish on her toenails looked like someone had chewed it. When people do things like this it makes me wish we really could vote people off the “island.”
  • Do NOT watch porn or anything else objectionable. Well, I guess I mean don’t expect no one to realize you’re browsing such material during class. If you’re ok with people giving you the side eye because you’re watching anime porno, disregard this.

Did I miss anything? If so, let me know!

Occupy All Streets?

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Over the weekend I learned Rocawear is now selling “Occupy All Streets” shirts for $22 and there’s been no talk of any proceeds going to the Occupy Movement. Some people find this offensive and are saying less than flattering things about my Brooklyn Brethren, Jay-Z. I do not share those sentiments because I’m jaded to say the least. Let’s start with fact Jay-Z sold Rocawear in 2007 for over $200 million (fact courtesy of VH1’s Pop Up Video). If you were unaware, that 1 deal alone would make him part of the 1%. Add the money he made for those sneakers, 40/40, and all of  his #1 albums, then you can see why he remixed Weezy’s song talking about a “Billie a billionaire.” I digress. I spoke of Rocawear’s sale to say since Jay-Z is no longer an owner and isn’t really designer, he may not even know about these shirts.

You’re probably thinking “of course he knows,” and with that I would probably agree. Think of this like the time Beyonce did songs with Lady Gaga. Some people claimed Mrs. Carter didn’t need to collaborate with Gaga. The truth is, just like Bey did a video with lesbian undertones (I mean really, if that honey bun scene wasn’t gay, I don’t know what is) to stay relevant, it isn’t surprising that Jay-Z or arm of something of which he’s affiliated did the same thing to stay relevant with the most popular protest that did start in the street; arguably just like Jay-Z did.

I’m like you, and I like to think Jay-Z in addition to being from the ‘hood is for the ‘hood. In ’08 after paying $200 to see him at the Garden, Hov told me to vote for Obama and I did. I was going to vote for Obama anyway because I didn’t think McCain had the right life expectancy to have his finger on the button that we hear so much about. Jay-Z has given out toys in the projects on Christmas day. In addition to doing a concert to benefit The Firefighters, Hov also gave money to help victims of Hurricane Katrina.

No one can deny Jay-Z has done good things with his money and influence. Well, Newark might disagree since in true BK fashion, Jay-Z took the Nets. Again, I digress. My point is that while we like to think that Jay-Z is still for the 99% he’s part of the 1%. When someone has enough money to call themselves the Black Warren Buffet we shouldn’t put anything past them. After all, what we call money he pays more in taxes.

UPDATE

After writing the above post, I came across this image and knew I had to share. As the picture shows, Jay-Z is VERY familiar with the “all streets” version of the Occupy shirts. Does this change anything for me? No. As I told you originally, Jay-Z is part of the 1% and staying relevant is his bread and butter so I’m not surprised. The rich will always do things to get richer. Further, I think hijacking a movement for your own purposes takes nerve and anyone who knows me, knows I’m always impressed with people who exhibit that kind of self aggrandizement.

I Watched the Throne


The brief point when Yeezy took off the skants or dants I'm not sure what to call them

Monday night I saw Jay-Z and Kanye West at the Garden. Below is a little recap with some of my random thoughts that you love. . .

Celeb sightings:

  • Russell Simmons
  • Diddy
  • Fabolous

D List sightings:

  • Cheetah Girl Adrienne, used to date Rob Kardashian Bailon
  • Emily, baby mother to Fab, ‘star’ of Love & Hip Hop, B.
  • AJ used to host 106 & Park Calloway
  • Beyonce’s sister, Solange (with her son & boyfriend in tow)
  • Cassie used to be a model, tries to sing and is now Diddy’s toy

Dislikes:
The ticket said showtime was 7:30, please arrive 1 hour early. There was no opening act and no DJ to warm up the crowd. As you can imagine by 9PM when there was NOTHING going on except for applause when Diddy walked through with a big ass entourage, I was ready to hurt someone.
One thing I loved about seeing Jay-Z in the past was all the guest appearances usually whoever is in town like Swizz Beatz or Diddy. Last night there were no guest appearances. None, not one. The only person I didn’t want to see is Beyonce because I’m uninterested in her unless she planned to do single ladies in her leotard while showing the baby bump.

Attire
Both Jay and ‘Ye wore their customized shirts. Jay-Z wore his all black everything. If they are not in Illuminati, they’re definitely trying to make us think that they are. One of the shirts had the Goat of Mendes on it which is said to be an Illuminati symbol.

Leggings. . . Kanye saw Lil Wayne’s jeggings and raised him a leather wrap skirt or perhaps dress. Please tell a friend to tell a friend that this does NOT need to become a trend. When ‘Ye changed into a regular pair of pants then later put the leather legging wrap skirt concoction back on with some kinda Mayan Azetec 2012 looking jacket, shirt combo I almost died. Cross dressing cannot become a new trend. I still have not recovered from the LV coin purses that are now being rocked by men. I’m blaming that on Chris Brown. I digress. . .

We must unite against this!

Song Selection
I was pleased that they did all the Watch the Throne songs including my favorite “niggas in Paris” which they did like 3 and a half times. They each did some of their most popular songs. They both took it way back. . like College Drop Out, Reasonable Doubt way back which was amazing. You can tell who the real fans were. Everyone know 99 problems but who can tell who is who by who if you can finish the line from “I’m from the other side where other guys don’t walk too much. . .” or “I wear a G on my chest I don’t need. . . ”

Gossip
While Kim Porter has Diddy’s kids it appears, Cassie gets the good concert tickets. She was two steps behind him with her horse looking ponytailed Mohawk invention.
Solange is a Carol’s Daughter spokesperson. You’d think she would’ve used some Hair Milk on that nappy natural hair of her’s. Her son needs a haircut too. If she’s going to live in Brooklyn she needs to do as Brooklynites do. She should get his haircut and get those waves spinning, crazy hair on little Black kids is only ok in Gap commercials.
While Emily says in the Love & Hip Hop preview that she’s done with Fab, last night she was so close to him you would’ve thought she was his security. Oh I forgot, she’s his stylist. Interestingly enough, on Love & Hip Hop she claimed Cheetah girl and Chipped Tooth smashed. Yet, last night she was standing right behind Fab while he yucked it up with the Kardashian ex.

The Crowd
It appears that Jay and ‘Ye have priced out the Black and Brown masses. Good seats were $250. Prime seats were $300. There were so many guidos, guidettes, dude bros, and old folks in there I thought I was trapped in a retirement community staffed by Jersey Shore rejects. If you need an app to find the names of each song, you’re probably at the wrong concert ::I’m just sayin’::

My favorite: HGM (Hot Ghetto Mess)
Why is it that every time I attend a rap concert, I can’t leave without a contact high? I don’t know about y’all but at $250 a pop, I want to be perfectly sober so I don’t miss a thing.
Third Place HGM award: Girl with a tired weave who got drunk, spilled her drink, asked for another drink for free to replace the spilled drink then got upset when they refused. Anyway, drunk girl was wearing an Herve Lerger bandage wanna be dress with mesh cut outs. Midway through the show she stumbled out from her seat with her. . .wait for it . . .NIPPLE showing through one of the mesh cut outs. At first I thought my eyes were lying. They weren’t. The HGM was confirmed by other witnesses.

Second Place: Seat Sneakers

If you paid for the cheap seats, stay in your cheap seats. I didn’t pay my hard earned money for you and your synthetic Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice looking braids to block my view.

First Place: The Groupies
We know music and sporting events bring out the groupies in large numbers. However, if you’re trying to get chose by a real baller you should probably invest in better seats. I can promise you that no one anywhere near note worthy is seating in the 300 section at the Garden. If you paid under $100 for your ticket, just wear something sensible and comfortable. You’re going to need it for the endless escalators to get to your cheap seats.

A group of groupies were on their way out as I was leaving. Next thing you know, we see aforementioned groupies in their faux fur, half naked and turned over shoes jumping, yes jumping a guy in the middle of 7th avenue as the light was turning green. Of course they got swarmed by cops after trying to run them. Why can’t people leave the ‘hood in the ‘hood for just one night? I know why! They’re niggas in midtown. . .
Overall I had a great time however I don’t know if I’ll be buying anymore Jay-Z tickets in the near future. The new seats and wider rows at the Garden are great but no opener and waiting for 2 hours is more than I would like to endure on a Monday night.

The “Bad” Girls Club?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

The Bad Girls Club started its newest season in New Orleans. Besides missing girls from seasons past who were actually bad, the premiere got me thinking. . .where have all the real Bad Girls gone? Too often women have labeled themselves bad girls when they’re just bad at life. Let’s discuss some of the most common characters mislabeled as Bad Girls.
1. The Big Kid: We all know her, she never wants to grow up; think Peter Pan. She’s in her late 20’s still involved in the shenanigans better fit for someone 18-21. Obviously you don’t have to stay at home & knit once you turn 25 but you certainly should be handling your business. If you’re 25+ still spending every dime you have as if you’re waiting on allowance, the only thing bad about you is your ability to budget. Having no career, no focus, doing the same thing you did in high school and having no idea you’re not winning doesn’t make you a bad girl, it makes you a hot mess.
2. The Crazy Girl : Attempting to terrorize your man (or others) into submission is not cute. Really, have you ever heard someone say “stalking is sexy?” Destruction of property was only hot when Angela Bassett did it in Waiting to Exhale. If you think harassment, embarrassment, vandalism, assault, battery and any other forms of insanity are routinely appropriate, you’re not a bad girl, you’re a basket case. If you fit this description you should consider attending church and psychotherapy sessions regularly. You may also want to consider prepaying a lawyer because all that crazy only gets you 1 place. . .Rikers.
3. The Boogie Girl: We’ve all come across this person, she portrays herself as if she’s bad but once you confront her you can change her name to “cowardly lion” within seconds. I don’t understand these women, if you wanna blow smoke try Newports. In reality the Boogie Girls are just like the Boogie Man, the idea of them is kinda scary but in reality, they don’t even exist. Remember: The Boogie Girl is a bitch with no bite.
4. The Battery Girl: This is the girl who is only bad when someone else directs (inserts the battery) her to be that way. I’m sure you’ve encountered her, she walks and talks like a bad girl when she’s around other bad girls but have one conversation with her and you’ll find out that the only “bad” thing about her is her ability to think for herself. Remember: Real Bad Girls lead not follow.
5. The Badly Behaved Girl: See, Judi from this season’s BGC. Doing any random thing like kissing strangers or tossing someone’s prized possession doesn’t make you a bad girl; it makes you an idiot and no one should treat you like a real person until you stop acting like you were in the “special” class. Doing every slutty, spiteful, disgusting thing you can think of just means you’re slutty, spiteful and disgusting and deserve to be treated as such. If you were bad meaning good, I’m pretty sure you would not need nor want to act that way.
Let’s remember, once you become a woman, being a “bad girl” is a state of mind AND a lifestyle. It’s doing things for yourself for the right reasons. It’s approaching things hard and smart, choosing your battles, sometimes speaking softly but always carrying your “big stick.”

The Kim K. Problem

Kim K. with number ___ love of her life

Last Sunday, you know I watched E! It was the season premiere of the K Team. There was a scene where Kim and Khloe got into an argument because Kim has now found the love of her life, the White basketball player who might be mute but Khloe had pictures of the 2 previous loves of Kim’s life (Reggie Bush & Miles Austin). It got me thinking, I know reality TV is usually only good for the opposite of thinking. Do any of your friends (most likely female) have the Kim K problem? I know a few of mine do. This problem has been around probably as long as humanity itself. I don’t know about you but being friends with someone who has the Kim K (every boyfriend is the love of my life) Problem is exhausting and amazing at the same time.
You might be wondering why I’m calling love a problem. It’s not actual love that’s the problem. It’s people like Kim K who think every touch of infatuation means someone is the love of their life. Watch a Kardashian marathon and you’ll see what I mean. How genuine is your love if 9 out of 10 people you’ve dated have been referred to by you as “the love of your life?” That’s almost as bad as calling every child gifted. So let’s add that to the list of untrue things that make no sense.
Earlier I said my friends with the Kim K Problem both exhaust and amaze me. They exhaust me because every time I hear from them the conversation is usually something along the lines of “Now I’m with X and I love him so much.” That statement is usually followed by a few unrelated, probably untrue medley of facts about why they make the perfect couple and will certainly live happily ever after. This where the exhaustion hits. I’ve had to train myself to be able to zone out, while keeping a straight face but absorbing enough of the fairy tale so I don’t have to be reminded of it the next time we speak. I can only wonder why these people don’t love me enough to spare me.
I’m no longer amazed enough to give these stories my full attention but the pieces that do make it into my head amaze me. How optimistic, insane, short sighted, etc. must a person be in order to be crazy in love with every person they date? By crazy in love I mean, FB picture posting, BBM icon changing, telling friends over & over. I’m amazed by these things. Are these people serious? Are they crazy? Are they trying to prove something? Maybe they’re taunting me on purpose because they know I’d choose to be tattooed by a blind 1 handed child over being retarded in love.
I have a possible cure to the Kim K Problem. If you or a friend tends to think every person is “the one” treat the situation like any other situation. Are every pair of shoes you buy the best pair ever? Is ever job you have your best job ever? Is each new friend you make better than all the friends you already have? The answer to these questions is surely no. So I say, let’s refrain from being overly effusive about these relationships that have a snowball’s chance in Hell. After all, if every person is the love of your life with whom you wanna have little love addicted babies, are they really that special? Also, do your friends (and me) a solid and spare them from all your love. I promise you, they’ll love you more for it.