The perpetual entertainment that we get from the Republican debates makes me wish the election season wasn’t so close. Here are just a few of my thoughts on the Special Olympics contestants.
Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney
I was in college in Boston while he was the governor so I don’t have to ask from where did they get him. We have a fetish for making former governors President. It was all fun until we got that one from Texas; I digress. Mitt is a trip to say the least. Doesn’t it look like he’s an actor playing the role of someone running for Office? Everyday he says the opposite of what he said yesterday if he thinks it’ll help him get higher than 20% in the polls. Mitt’s like that girl in high school who’s with you today but against you tomorrow when she thinks she’s made 2 new friends and the reality is that no one really cares for her that much. I shouldn’t be so hard on Willard. After all, he did stop hiring “illegals.”
Crazy Uncle Ron Paul
Ron Paul, where do we begin? Ron Paul is that reclusive neighbor or relative you only see a few times a year because you’re still recovering from the last time you had family dinner. I love watching him on TV; a tiny man in an oversized crooked suit who wants to legalize everything and let people die all while telling you this with a straight face. I think Ron Paul needs a reality show, imagine what crazy things he says daily.
Rick Perry/Bush 2.0
Rick is the reason why no one messes with Texas. He seems to have taken that whole “live free” thing from New Hampshire too far. Every time he visits he gives a speech it makes me wonder why his staffers let him get on camera before he comes down from his high. Am I suggesting he’s using illegal drugs? No, I think he likes libations; a lot. His speeches show that he’s totally unqualified to be President but probably really fun at parties. Honestly I’d say that even if I didn’t believe it, I’m not trying to get dropped at Niggerhead. I had a couple other things I wanted to say about him but I can’t remember my other gripes. . .oops!
Michelle Blockhead, I mean Bachman
I like the Tea Party Princess because she’s a walking contradiction. Do you know anyone else who is against big government but is a former government employee, doesn’t like Medicaid but owns a business that gets paid through Medicaid, thinks ending slavery was great but forgot the Founders owned slaves? She’s another one who scares me. I don’t know if it’s her “crazy eyes” or the fact she said aloud vaccinations cause mental retardation. I just want to ask what causes her perpetual brain farts. Anytime you confuse John Wayne, the coolest guy to ever live with a serial killer, I have no use for you.
Cry Baby Santorum
Everyone knows you have to have a sense of humor to be President. Santorum called SNL and Dan Savage bullies after they made gay jokes about him. Personally, I think we all need to give a tip of the gay flag to Savage for figuring out how to get spreadingsantorum.com to the top of the search results every time. Other than Ricky being weird about gays and way too sensitive he’s pretty forgettable. Let’s move on.
Jon Worked for Obama which is why he’ll never win with the Retarded Right Huntsman
I like Huntsman too bad he committed right suicide by saying science is real and we can’t ignore it. Everyone knows that in order to win with the extreme right wing, you better say you got a degree from Hogwarts. I kid, we know they didn’t read Harry Potter (or anything else).
Newt serial marrying Gingrich
He’s another one who should do stand up comedy. Anyone who says that someone playing an undoctored tape of them is lying has to be joking. I also find it funny that the person who was pressing the homie Bill Clinton for getting brain then lying about it is married to his third wife. His third wife who was his mistress when he was married to his second wife. In a 3 degrees of Newt separation kinda thing, Newt cheated on his first wife with his second wife. Newt needs to listen to some hip hop music because he stays ‘cuffing his hoes. Actually, Newt could hang with the rappers, he has a gang of hoes, he made millions talking ish and he bought half a millie worth of jewelry from Tiffany’s. If that doesn’t say rapper, I don’t know what does.
Herman Came to Bring the Pain Cain
I’ll be happy when the primaries are over. I need Herman Cain to go away, far away. As if the Olive Oil commercials, ATL Housewives and BET didn’t make Black folks look bad enough Cain comes out reciting lines from Pokemon and the Simpsons. I just really want Cain to stop shuckin’ and jivin’ for these people. When you recite lines from a cartoon it’s no wonder why Ann Coulter thinks it’s okay to make the statement about you being one of “their Blacks.” Actually, with that kind of coonery, they can have you. I’m happy the Cain Train has been derailed and discontinued just like that ice cream flavor he likened himself to. Cain should also consider hanging with rappers because I’m sure they’d tell him that not switching up your hoes periodically is definition of slippin’.
Overall I’ve enjoyed this nomination madness because it’s given me something to watch on the couple days a week when ATL Housewives, the Braxtons and Love & Hip Hop aren’t on.
Who’s your favorite righty? Let me know!