Author Archives: Short Fuse

Spotted!

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

Hey Lovers!

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I know it’s been awhile since we’ve spoken. Over the weekend a friend contacted me with a cute story just in time for me to give you all some Christmas Tea. Apparently being the Baby Mama to Juelz Santana doesn’t preclude Kimbella from shopping like the rest of us. Saturday, Kimbella was spotted at the Gap Outlet in the Bergen Mall.

So, the fact Kimbella shops at the Gap Outlet is funny enough but she had the NERVE to ask if she could skip the line. She said “I’m Kimbella from Love & Hip Hop can I skip the line?” Maybe the staff has never seen the show, maybe they have seen the show and aren’t fans or maybe they don’t have any f****s left to give as a result of the holidays. No matter what the their reasoning was, the staff at the Gap Outlet made Kimbella wait like every other customer. Guess ***king the right D doesn’t get you to the front of the Gap line.

Happy Holidays!  

Catfish

Posted in Reality TV by

 

Hey Lovers,

I know we have a lot to watch on Monday nights as it is between BBWLA, Teen Mom 2 and which ever Housewives are on Bravo currently. If you have the energy or DVR, I’d like to bring a new show to your attention. It airs Mondays at 11PM after Teen Mom 2 on MTV. It’s called Catfish. It’s based on the 2012 movie of the same name. The show is hosted by the guy from the movie and he’s helping people meet their online “loves.”

Monday we met a 21 year old girl from Arkansas. Don’t worry, I don’t know where Arkansas is either. She had been in a “relationship” with someone named RJ who allegedly lived in LA, was a model, wrote cue cards for Chelsea Handler and was taking online anesthesiology classes. I didn’t know University of Phoenix even had a medical school but these days you never know. The girl had never seen her “love.” She never Skyped or Facetimed with the modeling, cue card writing online medical student. 

Long story short, they take the girl to meet her online “boyfriend.” Come to find out her “boyfriend” wasn’t even a boy. RJ was Chelsea an 18 year old butch lesbian virgin who smugly claimed that she used that fake Facebook account to have tons of relationships with unsuspecting girls. Apparently the aforementioned butch lesbian got bullied in high school and is using the Internet to get some kind of revenge. Honestly, I tuned out for the “it gets better” segment.

There’s something hilarious about seeing people find out that their “relationships” don’t really exist. From the preview, next Monday’s episode is going to be amazing; amazingly messy. On Monday we will meet a synthetic wig & black lip liner wearing stripper who is waiting to meet her online beau who is also a stripper. Once there’s a synthetic wig and a stripper reality TV gold is sure to follow, remember Joseline?

Have you seen Catfish? Will you be watching? Comment below and let me know.    

Houston Problems

Posted in Reality TV by

 

Hey Lovers, 

No one told me The Houstons was on yesterday. That fact tells me y’all are done with the Houstons. I’m done with them too. Let’s discuss why! 

  • Krissy: I’m not gonna go too hard on Krissy because it’s clear she needs help. I don’t know what kinda weed or pills Krissy is on but it’s clear she’s not with us. I think it’s just a matter of time before we see Krissy on “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” I just want Krissy to get her head and wig in order. 
  • Nick: I have so many questions about Nick. Here are just a few. Where is his real family? Why is he getting brother/sister tattoos with the girl he calls his fiancee? When is he coming out the closet?
  • Raya: It’s clear from Raya’s interviews that she wants a spin off and I’m not here for it. 
  • Pat: I think Pat means well but she’s not dealing with reality. Krissy isn’t checking for her. My main wishes for Aunt Pat are that she use Dr. Miracle’s Temple & Nape grease, get a new makeup artist and stops all the fronting. 
  • Uncle Ray & Uncle Gary: Both the uncles give me “I used to smoke crack but now I just drink.”  
  • Sissy: Ms. Sissy Houston gives me life. I love the fact she knows how to text. She gives me ol’ school Black grandmother which resonates with me because I have an ol’ school Black grandmother.  

I like a messy show just like the rest of you but The Houstons are a little bit too broken for the show to be a guilty pleasure. Overall, I think The Houstons need to reevaluate because this show is not going to cut it. 

What do you think about The Houstons? Comment below and let me know! 

NY Bar Beat

Posted in Culture, Random by

Hello Lovers,

As many of you may know this past summer I had to leave you. I had to leave you here, in person, and on Facebook. I had to leave you because I was studying for the mammoth that is the New York bar exam.

Last night while with 2 friends who also took the bar exam I found out that I passed (and so did they)! Fun Fact: John F. Kennedy, Jr. was unable to pass the New York bar exam on his first attempt (and his second).

In addition to having to leave you for 63 continuous days of studying topped off by 12 hours of testing over 2 days; the reward was waiting another 98 days to learn my fate. I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure that whole setup is inhumane.

I’m just writing this quick post to thank everyone who has taken time congratulate me. I also want to congratulate all my friends who passed too. We cried together, bitched together, ate our feelings together and now we passed. . .together! In the words of my favorite rapper, I guess I got my swagga back! Aren’t you excited that now I can be a lawyer in case my blogging career doesn’t pop?

We have some other things to discuss. I think I have an excitement hangover right now but stay tuned for posts about Hurricane Sandy and Black Girls Rock.

Fall Out

Hey Lovers,

As some of you may know, on September 22nd autumn began. While we’re already 1 month in, it has still be unseasonably warm (thank you Climate Change). Thinking about the impending temperature drop and upcoming holidays I began to think about things I’d rather not see anymore. Let’s discuss!

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First on my list are talons/stiletto nails. Everyone from Beyonce, to Lady Gaga and Rihanna have rocked talons this year. While there are infinite numbers of ways to rock this shape of nail I’m over them. Unless you’re using your stiletto nails as actual weapons, I think we can all find another nail trend that doesn’t make people think we want to kill them by poking them in the eye.

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Next on my list are, moccasins. At first glance I thought an insulated slipper would be a thing of the winter or fall however I was wrong. I never really understood the appeal of putting a barefoot into a fuzzy slipper on a warm day but hey, what do I know? Moccasins make great HOUSE slippers; on that, we can all agree. I have an idea, how about we all leave our house slippers, in the house?

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I didn’t think that in 2012 we’d be discussing facial piercings but again, anything’s possible. Recently I saw one of my favorite Youtubers, a grown married mother, post a video about her new Marilyn Monroe piercing. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Facial piercings, really? You really couldn’t find something from early last decade to rehash and make you look immature at your son’s parent-teacher conference?

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Poetic Justice braids were huge throughout the summer. Solange Knowles is responsible for bringing these braids back from the early 1990’s. She may not really be responsible but let’s just agree that for argument’s sake she is. The trend was cute for a second but people are now trying to differentiate their braids by making them bigger, longer and unconventional colors. While braids are great for giving your hair a break, I think we should allow these braids to rest in peace.

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Last but not least, lace closures should leave us with the warm weather and I hope they never return. I don’t know who started this trend but it’s awful. Lace closures give you the look of a lace front with the hassle of a weave; basically, the worst of both worlds. I don’t care how many YouTubers make videos about bleaching the knots and using foundation or concealer to make it match your skin, they look horrible. Again, I know closures are for protection but an awkward fake hair line with naps creeping out from the perimeter are an eye sore. Let’s challenge ourselves to find another way to protect our hair without using closures which just end up looking like hats made of hair.

What would you like to expire with the warm weather? Comment below and let me know! Follow on Twitter @RantRaveRandom

Love You Long Time

Posted in Culture, Love, Random by

Over the last few years it has come to my attention that grown people still expect others to tread lightly around their issues. Let’s discuss. 

Have you ever learned that an innocent comment made in jest shook someone’s core? This, I do not understand. Who knows you better than you? Chances are whatever’s being said is something you’ve heard already. If that’s the case, tell us why you’re mad. Well, don’t tell me. I’m not good at feelings. I digress. 

For example, if you’re a woman whose wardrobe consists entirely of men’s clothing, you’re a cross dresser. No shade, just facts. If someone says you cross dress, why are you mad at them? If you don’t want to be called a cross dresser, I have a simple solution; don’t cross dress. It’s kind of like not wanting to get a degree in engineering because you don’t want to be called an engineer. 

I know everyone goes through that “awkward phase” at some point in their life. However, I’m pretty sure you should be settled on your insecurities by the time you’re old enough to legally drink. In middle school I was teased about my lips. I was called “Big Lip,” “Bubble Lip,” and told I needed “lip-o-suction.” It didn’t take an it’s gets better campaign to know my worth didn’t come from those people who were undoubtedly battling their own insecurities. I’m not mad at those people. As a matter of fact I should probably be asking for residuals on the lip plumper I know they’re buying. 

I know adult problems require a little more than the “sticks and stones” approach but at this point either embrace your idiosyncrasies or change them. Chances are that no one outside of your Circle of Trust cares particularly one way or the other. Remember the words of Katt Williams “it’s called self-esteem.” 

Am I wrong about any of this? If so, let me know! 

Love this randomness, follow me on Twitter @RantRaveRandom

RNC Wrap Up

Posted in Politics by

Hey Lovers, 

This post is by request. Shout to Ms. AJ for wanting to hear my thoughts on last week’s Republican National Convention. I watched every night during “prime time.” Actually I’m not really sure if it was prime time in the world since I just watched when MSNBC began its live coverage. The DNC is this week and I’m sure we’ll have a lot to discuss there but let’s reflect on the events of Tampa Florida and the GOP. 

  • Ann Romney. Clearly Ann Romney was auditioning for the View. Her speech was irrelevant. You met your husband at a high school dance and you still love him, so what? The GOP is so out of touch they think she killed it but you and I know she’s not qualified to speak on any topic other than being a rich guy’s wife. Am I the only one who found it a bit insulting that she only discussed women in terms of our relationship to others? Every female is a daughter and a granddaughter. That’s not special. I think her speech was better suited for a 65th birthday or 40th wedding anniversary. I’ll be okay if I never here from Mrs. Brady, I mean Ann Romney again. 
  • Chris Christie. Christie and I are alums of the same law school, I hope you won’t think less of me for that. Isn’t it clear that he was bullied as a child? It may not be clear but that’s my guess. Why else would his mother tell him it was okay if people don’t love him? Mrs. Brady, I mean Ann Romney gave a speech all about love. Christie comes out 4 minutes later and says ***k love, am I the only one who found this strange? Dear GOP, I’m available. Hire me for your messaging. 
  • Gov. Kasich. I liked Ohio Gov. Kasich. He reminds me of the drunk guy in the bar who wants to high five everyone for reasons only known to him. I liked his enthusiasm but that still doesn’t want to make me go to Ohio. 

Can someone please tell me where Condi & Nikki Haley shop? I’m only asking because I may need to pre-order my next Easter suit. I feel badly for Condi, she doesn’t have any real friends. They let her go on stage with lipstick on her teeth. If we had no way to fact check her speech, it would have been really good.

Also, did y’all catch how Condi got to start “Minority Hour?” After Condi Rice and the Governor of New Mexico all that was missing was Margaret Chow (gay Asian) to make sure every demographic was covered.   

For all of you who didn’t understand what I meant when I said we must watch our grandparents, Youtube Clint Eastwood’s performance. I’m going to need Reince Prebus to do better. You can’t expect to get young voters on your side by bringing out someone who people under 30 only know for saying “get off my lawn.”  While we’re on the subject of grandparents, were you afraid like I was when McCain spoke? I lost count but I’m pretty sure he advocated for like 3 new wars. Either he has Alzheimer’s or. . .no that’s actually the only way his speech would make sense. 

Sir Mittens was cute too, in a “I’d believe this if I didn’t know better way.” The only line that was really lost on me was the one about climate change. I thought he was trying to make a Jesus joke. I guess I’m not the voter he was trying convince with that line since I’m from a world where science, creative writing and religion are different college departments. By college I mean, NOT Liberty University.

Overall I think last week’s winner is President Obama. I imagined him texting Jay-Z as that Clint Eastwood segment was going on saying something like “Can you and Yeezy remix ‘n199as in Paris’ for the DNC?”

Am I being too hard on the GOP? Let me know!  

Bad Girls?

Posted in Reality TV by

Hey Lovers, 

I missed the latest episode of the Bad Girls Club because our Monday night Reality Show schedule is getting a bit out of hand. I watched Monday’s episode this morning and I figured I give you all my thoughts. Let’s discuss! 

  • Falen. What is Falen’s role on this show other than bothering me with that tacky hair color? We haven’t heard anything interesting about her life and she hasn’t done anything interesting on the show except for claiming she’s “G’ed up.” Clearly she has redefined G’ed up in the way I redefined a bunch of things in our chat yesterday. If you missed that discussion, catch up on it here: https://triple18.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/definitions-optional/. Falen, you wore an Easter hat to the club, revisit your claim of being G’ed up.  
  • Andrea. Andrea and I are the same age. When I feel badly about my life I can just watch BGC and remember that being a go-go dancer, using disagreeable weave hair and wearing endless tacky rags from Pretty Girl (Tello’s for my Boston girls) is much worse than looking for an attorney position. 
  • Julie. I like Julie. Julie has stirred the pot in so many directions and it never comes back to her. Julie is either really clever or everyone else is too stupid to realize what she’s doing. I normally don’t like instigators but I like the way she gets everyone to do what she wants all the time without question. 
  • Mehgan. Mehgan bores me. Every now and again she says 1 clever line but at this point she’s forgettable. Bye Mehgan.
  • Ashley. Is it me or is Ashley’s weave on slim fast? That’s about all I have on her. She’s a bit dizzy but that makes her harmless. Next!  
  • Christina “Jersey.” Christina is crazier than 5 K. Michelles and I love it! She makes good TV. She got a bottle of Clicquot from a creepy old man and thought she had a Basketball Wives come up. Good for her. I love people who are not high maintenance. That’s right, you’re winning with a bottle that doesn’t even come with sparklers. Good job Jersey. Am I the only one who enjoyed the “German Nazi” rant? There’s nothing like getting drunk and hurling racial insults at your ex. I’ve never done that but it seems fun. Leave some Central American jokes in the comments for me. I may want to go Christina on my ex soon.
  • Rima.  We know someone is going home next week after the fight between Rima & Christina. I really, sincerely hope it is Rima. Rima is supposedly 22 but she looks washed up and she’s very annoying. Am I the only one unimpressed by Rima’s new found backbone? Really, Rima? You’re really going to get turned up over your $6.99 Walmart foundation? Go home, raise your son. I’m done with you. 

I’m looking forward to next because I want to see who is going home. I’m kind of not ready for another replacement but if Rima is leaving, I’m all for it. 

What did you think of this week’s episode?

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

Definitions Optional

Posted in Culture, Random by

Over the last few days, I’ve began to notice an alarming trend. People have been totally disregarding the meaning of words and phrases which have meanings; unambiguous meanings. This, we must discuss.

Did you all catch last night on Love & Hip Hop when Karline said she “put Benzino on?” Did they change the meaning of “put on” while I was studying for the bar exam? Put on means to upgrade or make someone relevant. Last I checked Karline and those tired bottom teeth, haven’t put on anyone. Well…I’m sure there are some tired, washed up, hoes who saw Karline and now believe they too can have the chance to smash someone who used to own something that was popular but we’re not discussing people who were in the “slow class.”

Also, last night on Love & Hip Hop, Stevie’s newest thirst-bucket claimed she was “official.” Excuse me hood version of Kat Von D, if you were official you would be in the studio making music and not having some kind of tattoo trade off with Sleezo.

Over the weekend I told a friend she got caught slippin’. She denied that claim. However, she was doing something that resulted in an unflattering picture being taken. According to urban dictionary the definition of slippin’ is: not paying attention, or allowing someone to catch you off guard. I think doing something unflattering in a room full of people with camera phones is the definition of slippin. I could be wrong.

Republican Congressman Todd Akin said a woman can’t get pregnant as a result of “legitimate rape.” Excuse me Mr. Akin, please show me a case of illegitimate rape. I thought all rape by definition was legitimate but in Mr. Akin’s world, there are unacceptable versions of rape. I guess having taken biology is not a requirement to becoming a member of the Congressional Science Committee.

People have called current VP nominee Paul Ryan “young.” He’s 42 years old. I thought 40’s were considered middle aged but as a member of a party who nominated someone over 60 to be President, I guess Ryan is “young.” Under the GOP definition I must be a teenager.  

Thinking of these instances I began to wonder, is the dictionary or social definition of a word/phrase now optional? Can we all say whatever we want without regard for its undisputed meaning? While it might be confusing, I think this may be a good thing. I’m going to try it right now. . .

I’m tall. Forget the fact I’m only 5’4

I’m skinny. Never mind the fact the last dress I wore is a size 12.

I am not allergic to peanuts, I just have life threatening anaphylaxis whenever I eat anything containing peanuts.

That felt kind of good, I must admit but I really do hope this trend does not take off. No one could ever have a conversation. Imagine your friend saying “please lend me $500.” Now, it’s now tax refund time and you want to be repaid. Your friend tells you when they said “lend” they did not mean it on the basis that “lend/loan” means they must repay you. That would be a nightmare. The crime rate would skyrocket and the calls to The People’s Court and Judge Judy would increase tenfold.

I think we should stick to the established and accepted definitions in efforts to avoid side eyes at best and bullets at worst.

Ignorance Defense

Posted in Culture, Politics, Random by

Today I was on the train and I saw something amazing. Well. . .amazing in my opinion. Do you remember back when the bright young minds of Brooklyn Tech showed the fools of Westboro Baptist Church how it really goes down in Brooklyn? If you need to refresh your memory, read the Brooklyn Tech story here: http://fort-greene.thelocal.nytimes.com/2009/09/24/students-turn-out-and-westboro-leaves/

I thought of that story today. I was on the train and a woman stood in the middle of the car wearing a sandwich board, yes, a sandwich board that said gay marriage is one of the reasons why Jesus is coming. Another passenger asked her why she chose to deliver the word in such a way. The passenger went to on to say that she too does street ministry and she shares what Jesus has done for her. She wanted to know who told the woman in the sandwich board to wear a sandwich board with such an offensive message . I was happy I had a front row seat to what was sure to be an epic debate. Instead of answering the passenger with some scripture or logic, the sandwich board wearer literally turned her back and left. She left just like Westboro Baptist after the Brooklyn Tech students gave them a taste of their own medicine.

As I said “amen” to the passenger upon my exit, I began to wonder how come people don’t defend their ignorant positions? If you believe something so strongly you’re wearing a sandwich board, shouldn’t you be able to answer a question about the sandwich board? I would imagine that when a conviction compels you to wear a sandwich board, hold a sign, pay for a billboard or anything else, you wouldn’t mind answering questions.

Today I was proven wrong. While I don’t like to be wrong, I loved witnessing a supposed zealot fold faster than Superman on Laundry Day.