Author Archives: Short Fuse

Teen Mess

Posted in Reality TV by

Hey Lovers, 

I missed Teen Mom last night because I was watching Team USA slay in the Olympics. Let’s discuss last night’s happenings. 

Let me begin by saying that after watching the last 2 episodes I’m glad this show is ending. Overall it’s getting way to messy (read White trash) and the girls really are not cute. 

  • Farrah. Can we agree that Sophia is going to be on Love & Hip Hop Tampa in about 18 years as a rapper’s baby mama if Farrah continues? Farrah really needs to reevaluate. Every other episode she has a new dude but yet she cannot find time to get Sophia off of the pacifier. I hope MTV has dental because Sophia’s teeth are going to be wrecked. I know Farrah believes she’s doing a good job but she isn’t. Art appreciation? Girl, you better study those drink recipes because art appreciation isn’t going to cut it; for anyone. Especially not a single teen mom. Am I the only 1 who thinks it’s a little messy that she has this random dude babysitting Sophia? I hope Dr. Drew is  available when Sophia starts acting out because Farrah would rather run around Texas with a dude she barely knows trying to take the whole MILF thing literally.  
  • Amber. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on Amber because she’s such a sad case. Can you tell me why Amber feels the need to wear false lashes daily? I don’t get it. I need to find Amber’s Twitter so I can explain to her that those Lee Press on Nails are really not a good idea, any day of the week. Amber must stop. She lies. She told us she got skinny by boxing and working out daily. She was actually on that stuff and got big after getting off that stuff. Amber didn’t learn much in rehab because she keeps blaming everyone except herself for her problems. Leah’s grandma wasn’t home, she’s the problem? Actually Amber, you’re the problem. Figure out why you can’t have custody of your daughter but you go to your teen mom cousin for advice. Does she really have everything figured out? I mean, she chills with you a lot so she can’t possibly have good sense.
  • Maci. Maci used to be my favorite but I’m over her now. She can afford a souped up Benz but no Proactiv; that makes no sense to me. Clearly she’s on the same pipe as Farrah since Bentley is damn near old enough to start reading Huck Finn but yet he’s still sucking a pacifier. I guess Maci has never heard of tenancy by the entirety. Moving in with a guy who is not your husband or your child’s father when everything is in his name. What’s the worst that could happen? C’mon Maci, you used to be smart. While we’re on the subject, I’m over Ryan, his tacky ass girlfriend and his overly sensitive mama too. He’s been claiming he’s going to formalize custody for about 2 seasons and still hasn’t done it. His mother isn’t happy unless there’s something to make her cry. Y’all know I was done with Ryan’s girlfriend when I saw her name is Dallas spelled Dallis. 
  • Catelynn, Tyler & The Crack King. Is it weird that I want Tyler to break up with Catelynn? I’m kind of tired of their relationship. It seems like they’ve become more like brother and sister; aside from the fact that they’re step siblings. I’m also tired of Butch. He’s a crackhead; this, we know. I’ll be tuning in next week to see how his mullet goes over with the jury. 

Overall, MTV is doing the right thing by ending this show. These girls are messier than I imagined they would be. Out of the 4 of them I thought 1 would get it right. I was wrong. 

How do you feel about these girls? Let me know! 

Hair Today, Hair Yesterday

Posted in Beauty, Culture, Hair by

Hey Lovers,

There’s something we need to discuss. . . hair. I’ve really been trying to stay away from this whole hair debate because I’ve been dealing with things of actual importance. However, I can no longer resist. Let’s discuss.

Our players: In 1 corner we have the happy to be nappy, never gonna straighten or weave my $h!^ gang. In the other corner we have the creamy crackheads. In the opposite corner we have the “I don’t leave home without my weave but I call myself natural because I hotcomb my leave out instead of relaxing it.” Finally we have the “whatever works” crew in the remaining corner. FYI I’m in the last corner.

Can someone please explain to me when hair, an inanimate object, became so important and political? At first I thought it was all a fleeting fad when Solange first did her big chop and Chris Rock released “Good Hair,” but that was 3 years ago and this debate seems to have staying power. Why?

I’ll admit I’ve read blog posts and watched Youtube videos about hair, mostly to help me make decisions about what kinds of products I want to purchase or to get ideas about styling. However, recently things have been going way beyond those limits. Lately, people have been tying every hair decision to racial identity, self-esteem and authenticity. That, I do not understand. While I do understand that some people may do (or not do) certain things to their hair out of self-hate or self love I really had no idea that deciding I prefer to relax my hair or being in the mood to rock 16 inches of virgin Malaysian awesomeness means I lack confidence or I’m trying to be White. It doesn’t mean that but some of these Naturalistas think they have figured out my psychology.

I have a request. Can we move on? I’m begging. The hair thing was cute for awhile but like those BBW earrings, it’s now tired. As Black women we have so many more pressing issues. Why is so much time being wasted on discussing hair? I really don’t know (or  care to know) the difference between 4B & 4C nor do I think a hot comb is a good idea but I have not taken a stance against any of these things for people other than myself. This year I’ve had my hair relaxed, natural and weaved. It’s not because I was trying to prove anything. Sometimes I feel like relaxing my hair, sometimes I don’t; it’s actually that simple.

I implore all the people who have made Black hair their crusade to think about a few things. Most new HIV infections occur in women of color. Black women are the least likely to marry. Less than 8% of college degrees are awarded to African-Americans. The median White household has 20 times more wealth the median Black household. Black wealth has dropped 53% while White wealth has only dropped 16%. 73% of Black children are born out of wedlock. Unemployment is as high as 40% in some Black communities. The number of Black women under Criminal Justice supervision is increasing at a rate higher than any other group. I could continue but I think you get the point.

With all the issues facing the world in general and us as Black women specifically, why are we focused on hair? Does the pain of poverty, unequal access to education and the Pampers to Prison Pipeline become more bearable as long as no one is relaxing their hair? I didn’t think so.

I usually don’t go here but. . .I have a conspiracy theory. I’m normally not one for conspiracy theories but I’m pretty confident there has got to be more to this story. Chris Rock told us that White folks are the ones getting paid off of most of our hair product purchases either way and I can only think of 1 Beauty Supply store that I know is Black owned (shout to my girl Regina on Rockaway by the C train). I can’t help but think those who run the institutions of power would prefer that we’re distracted. Could it be that the Powers that Be (read White men) like us wasting time like this? While we’re sitting on CurlyNikki.com and hunting for the best hair milk they’re investing in emerging markets, thinking of the moves they need to make, and making sure their kids have something to inherit.

Think about it. If we banded together against any social issue the way people have banded together against relaxers, we could actually make things happen. With this in mind I’m beyond over this discussion. You’re happy to be nappy; great. You want to let your weave swing; great. A light Cesar is your thing; rock it. Monday-Thursday $10 special Dominican wash & sets are more your speed; that’s cool, you may see me there. Spending 45 minutes detangling and trying to figure out the proper ratio of Aloe, peppermint and Jamaican Black Castor Oil is your idea of a good time; go for it, I’m not judging.

All in all, I’m sure we can agree that no matter what you do (or don’t do) to your hair doesn’t matter as long you stay snatched and have the self esteem to know that you’ll kill everything relaxed or natural, curly or straight, or weave or no weave, short or long.

Is your hair political? Comment below and let me know!

The Khloe K. Problem

Posted in Love, Random by

Last year we discussed the Kim K. problem. The Kim K. Problem is that girl we all know who is always madly in love with their flavor of the month (think Kim K. or Royce). Click: https://triple18.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/the-kim-k-problem/ if you need to catch up on that discussion. 

After thinking about my own emotional walls, I began to wonder. Could I be susceptible to the Khloe K. “Problem?” Not being considered the ugly duckling but having emotional walls after a few bad relationships then all of a sudden falling head over ankles for someone when you didn’t expect it. 

Let’s discuss!

For those of you who aren’t aware of Khloe’s back story. . .she had been lied to and cheated on (both on & off TV). Then she met Lamar Odom fell madly in love and got married 1 month later. Now she speaks to him in baby talk and they drink from each other’s mouth. Seeing that made me think, at what point do your emotional walls stop holding some things out but rather holding a lot of things in? 

There was a time when walking around for hours doing nothing in particular and staying on the phone all night was normal. Then things went very far left. That beautifully innocent love got traded for Project Girls calling me from blocked numbers to explain that they’re tired being Girlfriend #2 and they’d like nothing more than to have my top spot. Then I began to ask myself, what is this all for? Do we all just have our hearts open Kim K. style for no good reason? Of course when you first fall for someone you never imagine he’d go Anthony Weiner and start sending d*ck pics online. How does one recover from these kinds of things?

If any of you have the answer please tell me. Is there a way to remain smart about this when love is stupid (practically) speaking? I’m afraid that since I’ve become so good at avoiding being vulnerable and thinking I’m special enough to beat statistics I could be ripe for a Khloe K. situation.  I ask because I have no problem being crazy; crazy in love is an entirely different story. 

Is it possible to go from situations that  even the greatest fiction writer couldn’t imagine to falling madly in love, ignoring logic and statistics and thinking that putting my closest friends in bad dresses from David’s Bridal is what I want for my life? This, I must know. 

While this has turned out to be more of a barrage of questions to which I have no answers than the whit and sarcasm I normally give, I ask that you just roll with me.

Love & Heart Attack Atlanta

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

Image

Okay Lovers it’s been awhile so let me say “how you doin’?” in my best Wendy Williams voice. As you may or may not know studying for the bar exam really ruins everything. It’s not like that beer commercial. Anyway, I digress. I’m writing now in hopes that this post will help lower my blood pressure which is through the roof thanks to that ghetto display we just witnessed on VH1. Let’s discuss 

  • Mimi & Stevie J. Mimi claims she has been with Stevie for 15 years but he was with Eve 12 years ago but hey I guess everything is all good when you’re in the music industry. Mimi is clearly an older read “mature” woman. I’m no mind reader but I’m pretty sure that if your man can’t get it right after 15 years, he doesn’t intend to get it right. 15 years is longer than most marriages, Mimi listen to your friend Ariane & do better. Stevie J, must be on the down slide. Did y’all see how the studio is in a gas station? 
  • Joseline. Joseline is the Somaya of this show except she makes me miss the real Somaya. Whoever is in charge of production should’ve gotten Joseline those accent reduction lessons that Julissa took on Empire Girls because I didn’t know that poor soul was saying. Side point: Why does she never wear pants but loves furs? She had on those Princess Jasmine sheer things when they met LA Reid’s son & in the club she claimed that pink bathmat was from Neiman’s. Maybe Stevie J should send her back to the strip club because life among regular people clearly isn’t for her. Between the Natalie Nunn chin, Rihanna wig and Katt Stacks accent in her mouth I was done with her from minute 1. 
  • Karline. Aren’t you a bit old to be trying to rap? Secondly how are you Trini giving us Jamaican rhymes? You know what? Mi dun know. . . 
  • Mama Dee. I really thought they wouldn’t be  able to top the crackish antics of Mama Jones but Lord, I was wrong. I knew Mama Dee was trouble when she said someone tried to f*** with “no grease.” Not lube; grease. That must be a country thing shawty. I think Mama Dee should be careful since I’m guessing she’s still on probation from the pimpin’ and dope dealing. Unlike Nicki Minaj, Mama Dee really beez in the trap.  
  • Erica. Erica appears to be Emily B Lite. I don’t understand how she says Diamond was an “affair.” Diamond was at their daughter’s birthday party. I thought it was only an affair when you’re married. But I guess she’s using Evelyn Lozada’s dictionary. I’m not knocking Diamond’s hustle, according to Mama Dee she got a new booty out the deal and upgraded to Soulja Boy. You know, someone with a couple hit singles. Maybe Erica should get Scrappy to buy her an ass so she can snag a man who actually wants to be with her. Her chances of becoming Mrs. Scrappy Merlot Jones don’t look too high. 
  • K. Michelle. I don’t know who this person is. Well, I don’t know who 99% of these people are. But what I do know is that her alleged attacker is none other than the step father of Baby Carter. . .Memphitz. What I do know is K. Michelle needs a lawyer, a therapist, and an accountant because if you can get your ass whooped and lose $2million you need new people. Side note: Where do I submit my resume for Memphitz’s old job? I want someone to leave me unattended with $2million. 
  • Rasheeda. I don’t know how I know Rasheeda other than the “bedrock” remix but she’ll be joining the cast soon. I want to know how you still rap when you’re a grandmother. My grandmother introduces herself as “Grandma” and bakes pies. Rasheeda remixed a song and told us she gets wetter than a lake. Don’t know what I mean? Check: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43dTGyi-Hm8 Lord only knows what her story line is. 

This show is too much for my blood pressure. Next week I’ll be half watching because my heart can’t take all the staged ghetto antics. VH1 has really outdone itself. Would you ever think a show would make us miss the Basketball Wives (east & west Coast) & the original Love & Hip Hop?

Did I miss anything? Let me know. You can always follow the randomness on Twitter @RantRaveRandom!  

Caught Phrases

Posted in Culture, Random by

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and a phrase (or several) raised your antennae?  I’m going to give you a few phrases that should raise your suspicions immediately.

  • “When I get my tax refund” This attempt at the okie doke has probably been around as long as the IRS has existed. If someone claims they are going to gift, loan or repay you anything with their tax refund; FORGET IT! Anyone who treats a tax refund like the lotto probably shouldn’t be trusted. Avoid this phrase at all costs. It’ll bring you nothing but a let down. 
  • “Settlement”  Talks of a “settlement” are probably the only thing less reliable than the statement about tax refund money. I’ve heard many people claim they were going to buy a house in Florida, get a car or start a business after they got their “settlement.” You don’t have to be a former psychic friend to guess that those same people were still taking the train to the place they had been living and owned little more than the clothes they were wearing. If someone comes to you with a settlement story let them know they’re an amateur and as a result of reading this you’re un-okiedokeable
  • “The haters. . .” It’s 2012. If you can’t give me specific names and alleged wrong doings save your story for someone who has more time than me. Anyone who is doing anything mildly respectable in life has haters. If you’re really real there’s no need to discuss these people frequently. If you’re living right the “haters” will always be there. 
  • “I was in school for. . .” This phrase usually precedes a sad story about getting knocked up or not realizing tuition is due yearly. If you need inspiration, download Kanye West’s “College Dropout” and try to come up with a plan. 
  • “We need to talk” This usually means “we need to talk about something you don’t want to talk about.” 
  • “I thought we were friends/cool, etc. . .” If you need to say this to someone; don’t. You needing to ask is evidence that you’re not really friends, cool or really anything with the party to whom you’re saying this. If you ever feel the need to utter this phrase end it with “but I see we’re not” and treat the recipient like a stranger. Stranger may be a little harsh but hey, it’s a cold world.   

What are other phrases we need to watch for? Let me know! 

Bully vs. Battle

Posted in Culture, Random, Reality TV by

First let me begin by saying “how you doin’?” (Wendy Williams voice). It’s been so long since we spoke through this forum and I’ve missed you. 

Originally I was going to write about something else tonight but after seeing tonight’s Basketball Wives episode we must discuss Tami Acts Like She’s Never Left the Block Roman’s antics. 

First of all, let’s admit what’s really happening here. Tami thinks she’s “keeping it real” when she’s keeping it trashy, ghetto, ratchet, hoodrat, tacky (choose your favorite adjective). 

There’s a difference between bullying and battling. A battle is two equal forces going against each other. Think Jay-Z v. Nas, Obama v. Hillary or even Evelyn v. Tami. Bullying is well. . .everything Tami did tonight. Let’s run through it! 

  • Crouching Hoodrat. That crouched position at the table was the first problem. They’re in paradise but Tami is acting like she’s on a project bench.
  • Purse snatching. Tami claims she’s a New Yorker but we need to pull her card. In what ‘hood is purse snatching an appropriate form of intimidation? Let me know, so I avoid that gutter.
  • Law & Disorder. You would think that after being reported she would’ve straightened up; quickly. But nooo, trash-bag Tami has to keep going. I’m still confused at how Kesha was the problem when Tami turned purse snatcher. 
  • Apology. I’m still a bit confused as to what exactly Tami claims required an apology. However, I’m pretty sure that once you snatch my purse, I no longer have to apologize to you. That’s a rule. 
  • Tears & Terror. Once Tami saw that Keshia was a small pile of biracial sadness, why didn’t she just stop? It’s kinda like kicking a disabled puppy; wrong. How could anyone continue terrorizing a person who is clearly ill-equipped to defend themselves? Tami has to try another kind of therapy because whatever she’s doing isn’t working.
  • Shaunie. I don’t understand why Shaunie even pretends to give a damn about any of this mess. I saw those dollar signs in her eyes. She ain’t foolin’ me. 
  • Suzie. Suzie and her chicken wing looking limbs had me pissed off tonight. As my Facebook Friends can tell you, I think she needs to play football. That hoe stays running back. She ran to Tami to say what Keshia said but after Keshia gets assaulted she acts as if she’s so concerned. Let’s find an empty stadium for Suzie, where she can proceed to have every seat. 
  • Evelyn. When did Evelyn become so sensitive? First she’s crying of crooked wig Nia being called the bum she is. Now she’s crying with Keshia but not telling Tami to lay off before she ends up in a place where they don’t have Bud Light and weird lace fronts. I don’t get it. Feel free to explain. 

A friend told me Tami claims to have apologized to Keshia but honestly if I were Keshia I’d be apologizing to Tami’s kids after I sued the pants off their tacky mother. I’m always down for a little messiness but you have to stop somewhere. I hope Tami has a secret stash of bail money and attorney’s fees somewhere. If she keeps going she want be on VH1, she’ll be on MSNBC “Locked Up.” 

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

Twitter @RantRaveRandom

Thera-shade!

Posted in Culture, Music, Reality TV by

By now you’ve probably heard about Kanye West’s new song “Theraflu” first brought to us by the Big Dog Pitbull (I don’t know if he still uses that line but just roll with me) Funkmaster Flex. The song is with DJ Khaled and produced by the same genius who brought us N*99a$ in Paris. If you haven’t heard it click: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=iv&src_vid=s6rUSuGKXns&annotation_id=annotation_198187&v=xy4DRxN1j1M to listen. The addicting beat is not what brings me to write about this. The mass amount of shade is. 

As someone who is an avid reality TV junkie and hip hop fan I think I can provide some analysis to people who are only one or the other. Let’s discuss! 

I really think this song should have been called “Nyquil” because I needed a deep sleep after Kanye spit the following:

And the whole industry wanna fuck yo’ old chick
Only nigga I got respect for is Wiz
And I’ll admit, I fell in love with Kim
‘Round the same time she had fell in love wit’ him
Well, that’s cool, baby girl, do ya thing
Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop ‘im from the team
La familia, Roc Nation

For those of you who aren’t rap, sports or reality fans allow me to catch you up. Kanye is admitting he fell in love (read: had sexual relations) with E! Reality Star Kim Kardashian while she was falling for Kris Humphries. Kanye then goes on to say Kris is lucky he didn’t have his BFF and my Brooklyn Brother Jay-Z drop him from the Nets. While you may know Jay-Z is part owner of the Nets, before Kim Kardashian, you may not have not known that Kris Humphries plays for the Nets. The “old chick” Kanye mentioned at the beginning is Philly native, former stripper Amber Rose who is now madly in love with Used Q-tip Wiz Khalifa but there were whispers of a brief tryst with none other than Kim’s ex Reggie Bush. 

I have a few theories about all of this. Now that Amber has “verified” Kim was sexting Kanye while they were an item, I’m thinking the whole Reggie & Amber thing might have been a bit of that sweet nectar known as revenge. Well played Ms. Rose; well played. 

After watching so many episodes of the Kardashians on E! I’ll admit, I was very confused after hearing “Theraflu.” From the show it’s clear that Kim will let her pap smear be filmed if she (and her mother) think it will keep her relevant. We also know Kim has an affinity for “dark meat” from her long romance with Reggie Bush. Let us not forget she got “on” by making a sex tape with Brandy’s brother. I thought to myself, why would she marry an unknown, funny looking, racially ambiguous, basketball player from Minnesota if she could’ve had Kanye “Been Crazy” West? I don’t know about you but I’d much rather double date with Jay-Z & Beyonce than Kris Humphries dumpy looking sister. 

My theory is, Kim knows Kanye probably wouldn’t be willing or able to participate in a wedding special and the never ending Kardashian spin offs. I also have the sneaking suspicion her thirst ego wouldn’t allow her to be less famous than her significant other. After all, while Kanye West is crazy like a fox, he’s famous for doing something and Kim calls club appearances “work.”  

Out of this whole thing, I think Amber Rose may be the winner. She tried to turn her 15 minutes of fame into 15 and a half with those songs she made and she’s clearly happy in her current relationship with the anorexic pothead Wiz Khalifa. Good for you Amber, keep living the stripper American Dream.

I think Kanye needs to switch up his meds. On the “Deuces” remix he told us Jay-Z finally convinced him not to run his mouth so when anyone asks who, he doesn’t know who they’re talking about. But last night, he talked about several people who no one else was talking about. We know Kanye has the power to pluck women from obscurity and make them known to all of us after he takes them to Fashion Week, dumps them then raps about them but gets upset when people ask him about it interviews. Let’s just keep him away from Magic City, King of Diamonds and Sue’s Rendezvous (those are strip clubs for those of you who are unaware). This bitter ex role is not what I want from him. While it is entertaining, I feel like he’s one melt down away from going “Chris Brown.” I want the “George Bush doesn’t like Black people” Kanye back. 

16 & Slow

Posted in Reality TV by

On my way home I was greeted by news of last night’s 16 & Pregnant episode. The texts and Facebook comments could not convey the full scope of messiness in Briana’s episode. News of names such as Bliss being thrown around made me rush to my DVR. 

I’ll start by saying I had a bit of visceral reaction when I saw the preview. I thought to myself “just what we need MTV, another show about a Black baby born to an ill equipped teen mom.” Then I nearly had to tell myself to have several seats when I remembered that MTV brings us “messy” in all colors and shapes from Coast to Coast.

I kind of felt for Briana’s mom having another mouth to feed but let’s be honest; something went wrong in that family. Either both of those girls were absent on “Safe Sex” Day in health class or their mother never told them that NOT getting pregnant isn’t a magic trick.

Before I get into details about Briana can we discuss her sister Brittany? I absolutely loved Brittany. The scene where she went all the way in after Briana asked for beans (again) gave me life. I also loved the death glare she gave Devon, who we’ll discuss in a minute, when he finally had a minute to visit his daughter. I have a feeling Brittany is a good friend to have if you ever need to smack a hoe. 

Am I the only one who got the feeling Briana was a bit slow? I know she graduated high school early but there was something off with her. She had a very vacant glaze which I didn’t understand. The conversation with her friend about how her baby daddy should’ve been responsible for not getting her pregnant as if there was nothing within reason she could’ve done let me know for sure that she isn’t working with a full deck. I want Briana to get her life but getting a boring haircut isn’t the way. 

Nova Star is a cute baby however, that name is literally out of this world. Nova Star Dejesus is pretty high on the ‘resume “unfriendly” name’ list. How do I know this you ask? I’m a future lawyer named Shanique. Need I say I more on this point?  

Now on to the person who had my blood boiling. . .Baby Daddy Davon. If anyone knows Davon’s Twitter please leave it in the comments because he needs to know my thoughts. Every time they showed him, I wanted to knock the naps off of his head. Davon was slower than Briana because he thought his name could magically get on Baby Nova’s birth certificate without being there to sign. Briana’s mother is better than me because I would’ve attempted to knock the ash off of him when he showed up weeks after the baby was born, empty handed, with a friend and Ray-J’s kindergarten haircut. 

Let’s wrap because thinking about Davon is elevating my blood pressure and I don’t know how much more I can take. 

Am I the only one who caught how Briana’s mom tried to shade my beloved hometown, Brooklyn? Did she think parenting is easier in Florida than in Brooklyn? I’m guessing it’s the same $h!^ different weather.

What are your thoughts on last night’s mess? Let me know!

Sidenote: If you like this randomness, follow the Blog on Twitter @RantRaveRandom.  

Monday Night Mess

Posted in Reality TV, Uncategorized by
I know it’s been awhile but I’m finally back giving you my thoughts for entertainment and quieting the voices in my head. Below are some of my thoughts on tonight’s episode of Basketball Wives. 
  • Kenya: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Kenya isn’t from this earth. Who doesn’t know that Miami is known for nightlife?  I could go on about Kenya but that crazy eye scares me. Let’s not discuss her any further until she gets a new wig. 
  • Keisha: I’m pretty sure that genealogy lesson was a long way of telling us she’s nearly inbred. Can we retire her story line about being biracial? I’ve heard this story too many times and I’m over it. Now that she’s on the cast, can she please speak with one of the other Black women about the appropriate hair products to lay down those Black edges of her’s? I also don’t feel bad about her getting bullied by the other women. Didn’t she watch the old seasons of BBW? She’s going to be this season’s Meeka if she doesn’t understand that Tami is always a few beers and a Newport away from turning shit out. 
  • Suzi: Why is Suzi still on this show? Every episode her intelligence seems to decrease while her speech impediment gets worse. Suzi is that girl in high school who is so thirsty to be in with the in crowd that she’ll slap her grandmother and I’m not for it. Suzi’s memory is really short. How is she cracking on Tami about foodstamps when last season was the first time she realized being a baller’s baby mama isn’t something you can actually print on a resume? She either needs to get into a fist fight that’s actually entertaining or leave the cast. Anything else will not hold my interest. 
  • Royce: I like Royce but I really need her to stop shopping at Young World. 
  • Jen: I thought we spoke about those 1996 looking colored contacts weeks ago. Maybe her publicist didn’t give her the message. Did y’all catch that word she tried to use. . .”metamorph?” I guess that’s from the same dictionary as “misunderstanment” 
  • Evelyn: Ev, keep your eye on the prize. I’m pretty sure Ochocinco doesn’t want it with the Cash Money Crew. He may bench you if he noticed the way your eyes were glistening looking at Baby the way I did. I really think her speech was heartfelt she just didn’t keep it 100. She really wanted to say “thank you for putting me on. I never imagined I could make being a loud mouth, groupie/bully a career.”
  • Shaunie: I don’t want Shaunie on camera. It’s not that I don’t want to hear from her but I’d prefer her behind the camera and being the Godmother like Ms. Mona from Love & Hip Hop. I can’t say that I blame her though because some people like to see their money working for them. Sidenote: who was that man with Shaunie? Was that her Sugar Baby? 
  • Tami: I love Tami. It’s mostly because I have an affinity for most things hoodrat. I was hoping she was gonna give Suzi a swift kick over that foodstamp comment but she let me down. Oh well, there’s always next week.

That altercation was too much. After giving her “you helped me come up speech” Evelyn turned out Mr. Chow’s in front of all those White folks. She has to stop. She’s on TV; not Fordham Road. Out of all this, I think I’m Team Jen. I used to be Team Ev all the way because you always need a friend who cleans up nicely but can still whoop ass just in case a hoe gets out of line but she’s taken it overboard. There’s no need to turn out everywhere you go. I’m looking forward to next week because it’s sure to be filled with more things hoodrat. 

Is there anything I forgot? Please let me know. 

P.S. Do you like this randomness? Follow on Twitter @RantRaveRandom.

Reality Double Check?

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by
As we discussed last week, law school is totally getting in the way of our reality TV QT. Here are my thoughts on this, “reality check.”
  • Dear Jim Jones, why were you sitting that way? Did y’all know Jim Jones was an invertebrate. . .I didn’t.
  • Emily. Emily, no one believes you weren’t indulging in the Coco Loso while y’all were living together. Where is Fab “claiming” Emily? Just because people know you’re the mother of Prince Joso now,  doesn’t mean he’s claiming you.
  • Kimbella. Can we admit that Kimbella isn’t pregnant? Wouldn’t she have been showing  during this fake ass reunion? After seeing Kimbella in action, I think we can all agree that Santana refusing to appear with her was a great idea. Kimbella wouldn’t know intelligence if it smacked her in those offensive ass roots.
  • Chrissy. Chrissy’s new haircut is working! Chrissy definitely read Yandy in that green screen interview. Is it weird that I kinda agree with Chrissy? Her big, jealous, fiery, smack a hoe personality is what had us tuning in every week and Yandy should admit that. Their dynamic is what made us want to know about Yandy Duck.
  • Yandy. Yandy clearly smashed Jimmy. She needs more people to convince me and the world otherwise. The interview was indoors. What was the purpose of that Yeti looking coat?  I’m done with Yandy, her “jury” line, her feelings and I’m especially done with her speech impediment. I’m sure she’s a nice person but I’m over her! Next.
  • Mama Jones. How come I keep picturing a box of fans that Mama Jones attempts to match to her mismatched outfits. Once your hotflashes are so frequent you have to carry a fan constantly, you can’t rap, Tweet or look for “naked” beaches. Stay tuned for Mama Jones on next season’s Celebrity Rehab. You read it here first.
  • Olivia. We already discussed the fact that Olivia’s weave has a bigger future than her music career. How does anyone make you look pathetic? We’ve seen far too much of Olivia holding herself back for me or anyone with more sense than Kimbella to have any sympathy. If there is a Season 3 I’m predicting that Olivia’s ass will be the first to get whooped since she tried to find her voice by saying Chrissy was wrong. Do you think Olivia is going to mess up this new record deal? If she does, she better take my advice and contact Tami Roman about that weave line.
  • Somaya. I kinda miss Somaya’s basic ass but there are only so many stories that you can tell about a giant West Coast, wanna-be musician with a short temper and even shorter vocabulary. What was her hair doing? Feel free to explain it to me. She needs to ask Olivia to put her on with the poppin’ hair game. Good for Ms. Mona for letting Somaya know her tequila and shoe line isn’t interesting. For someone who claims they aren’t mad about being written out, Sasquatch seemed mad to me.
  • Erica. Did Erica get those boobs on lay a way or something? I’m tired of hearing about them. How was the show edited to make her look bad? She was acting a whole entire fool. “If I let anybody down,” Bye Girl. Go apologize to your child for the fact s/he has been sent here with your dizzy ass as their mother. Ms. Mona is good. I wouldn’t coddle her. She did do things wrong. All the way wrong. They better not bring her back next season because the only thing more tired than her inflated tits is the fact she thinks anyone believes she’s anything near decent, good or legitimate.
  • Ms. Mona. After seeing this, it is clear Ms. Mona is the pimp and the whole cast is her gang of hoes. She must have been trained Shaunie O’Neal.

I kind of wanted them to bring Bratz Doll Tiarra Mari for a sit down. I’d love to know what she thinks about looking more thirsty and unemployed than Olivia. All in all, Ms. Mona needs to get better drafters for the show’s contracts. The reunion should have been a requirement. I don’t care who refused to sit with whom.

Will you be watching the ATL cast? We need more information on them.

Did I miss anything? Let me know. Till next time, Lovers!