Bully vs. Battle

First let me begin by saying “how you doin’?” (Wendy Williams voice). It’s been so long since we spoke through this forum and I’ve missed you. 

Originally I was going to write about something else tonight but after seeing tonight’s Basketball Wives episode we must discuss Tami Acts Like She’s Never Left the Block Roman’s antics. 

First of all, let’s admit what’s really happening here. Tami thinks she’s “keeping it real” when she’s keeping it trashy, ghetto, ratchet, hoodrat, tacky (choose your favorite adjective). 

There’s a difference between bullying and battling. A battle is two equal forces going against each other. Think Jay-Z v. Nas, Obama v. Hillary or even Evelyn v. Tami. Bullying is well. . .everything Tami did tonight. Let’s run through it! 

  • Crouching Hoodrat. That crouched position at the table was the first problem. They’re in paradise but Tami is acting like she’s on a project bench.
  • Purse snatching. Tami claims she’s a New Yorker but we need to pull her card. In what ‘hood is purse snatching an appropriate form of intimidation? Let me know, so I avoid that gutter.
  • Law & Disorder. You would think that after being reported she would’ve straightened up; quickly. But nooo, trash-bag Tami has to keep going. I’m still confused at how Kesha was the problem when Tami turned purse snatcher. 
  • Apology. I’m still a bit confused as to what exactly Tami claims required an apology. However, I’m pretty sure that once you snatch my purse, I no longer have to apologize to you. That’s a rule. 
  • Tears & Terror. Once Tami saw that Keshia was a small pile of biracial sadness, why didn’t she just stop? It’s kinda like kicking a disabled puppy; wrong. How could anyone continue terrorizing a person who is clearly ill-equipped to defend themselves? Tami has to try another kind of therapy because whatever she’s doing isn’t working.
  • Shaunie. I don’t understand why Shaunie even pretends to give a damn about any of this mess. I saw those dollar signs in her eyes. She ain’t foolin’ me. 
  • Suzie. Suzie and her chicken wing looking limbs had me pissed off tonight. As my Facebook Friends can tell you, I think she needs to play football. That hoe stays running back. She ran to Tami to say what Keshia said but after Keshia gets assaulted she acts as if she’s so concerned. Let’s find an empty stadium for Suzie, where she can proceed to have every seat. 
  • Evelyn. When did Evelyn become so sensitive? First she’s crying of crooked wig Nia being called the bum she is. Now she’s crying with Keshia but not telling Tami to lay off before she ends up in a place where they don’t have Bud Light and weird lace fronts. I don’t get it. Feel free to explain. 

A friend told me Tami claims to have apologized to Keshia but honestly if I were Keshia I’d be apologizing to Tami’s kids after I sued the pants off their tacky mother. I’m always down for a little messiness but you have to stop somewhere. I hope Tami has a secret stash of bail money and attorney’s fees somewhere. If she keeps going she want be on VH1, she’ll be on MSNBC “Locked Up.” 

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

Twitter @RantRaveRandom

Thera-shade!

By now you’ve probably heard about Kanye West’s new song “Theraflu” first brought to us by the Big Dog Pitbull (I don’t know if he still uses that line but just roll with me) Funkmaster Flex. The song is with DJ Khaled and produced by the same genius who brought us N*99a$ in Paris. If you haven’t heard it click: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=iv&src_vid=s6rUSuGKXns&annotation_id=annotation_198187&v=xy4DRxN1j1M to listen. The addicting beat is not what brings me to write about this. The mass amount of shade is. 

As someone who is an avid reality TV junkie and hip hop fan I think I can provide some analysis to people who are only one or the other. Let’s discuss! 

I really think this song should have been called “Nyquil” because I needed a deep sleep after Kanye spit the following:

And the whole industry wanna fuck yo’ old chick
Only nigga I got respect for is Wiz
And I’ll admit, I fell in love with Kim
‘Round the same time she had fell in love wit’ him
Well, that’s cool, baby girl, do ya thing
Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop ‘im from the team
La familia, Roc Nation

For those of you who aren’t rap, sports or reality fans allow me to catch you up. Kanye is admitting he fell in love (read: had sexual relations) with E! Reality Star Kim Kardashian while she was falling for Kris Humphries. Kanye then goes on to say Kris is lucky he didn’t have his BFF and my Brooklyn Brother Jay-Z drop him from the Nets. While you may know Jay-Z is part owner of the Nets, before Kim Kardashian, you may not have not known that Kris Humphries plays for the Nets. The “old chick” Kanye mentioned at the beginning is Philly native, former stripper Amber Rose who is now madly in love with Used Q-tip Wiz Khalifa but there were whispers of a brief tryst with none other than Kim’s ex Reggie Bush. 

I have a few theories about all of this. Now that Amber has “verified” Kim was sexting Kanye while they were an item, I’m thinking the whole Reggie & Amber thing might have been a bit of that sweet nectar known as revenge. Well played Ms. Rose; well played. 

After watching so many episodes of the Kardashians on E! I’ll admit, I was very confused after hearing “Theraflu.” From the show it’s clear that Kim will let her pap smear be filmed if she (and her mother) think it will keep her relevant. We also know Kim has an affinity for “dark meat” from her long romance with Reggie Bush. Let us not forget she got “on” by making a sex tape with Brandy’s brother. I thought to myself, why would she marry an unknown, funny looking, racially ambiguous, basketball player from Minnesota if she could’ve had Kanye “Been Crazy” West? I don’t know about you but I’d much rather double date with Jay-Z & Beyonce than Kris Humphries dumpy looking sister. 

My theory is, Kim knows Kanye probably wouldn’t be willing or able to participate in a wedding special and the never ending Kardashian spin offs. I also have the sneaking suspicion her thirst ego wouldn’t allow her to be less famous than her significant other. After all, while Kanye West is crazy like a fox, he’s famous for doing something and Kim calls club appearances “work.”  

Out of this whole thing, I think Amber Rose may be the winner. She tried to turn her 15 minutes of fame into 15 and a half with those songs she made and she’s clearly happy in her current relationship with the anorexic pothead Wiz Khalifa. Good for you Amber, keep living the stripper American Dream.

I think Kanye needs to switch up his meds. On the “Deuces” remix he told us Jay-Z finally convinced him not to run his mouth so when anyone asks who, he doesn’t know who they’re talking about. But last night, he talked about several people who no one else was talking about. We know Kanye has the power to pluck women from obscurity and make them known to all of us after he takes them to Fashion Week, dumps them then raps about them but gets upset when people ask him about it interviews. Let’s just keep him away from Magic City, King of Diamonds and Sue’s Rendezvous (those are strip clubs for those of you who are unaware). This bitter ex role is not what I want from him. While it is entertaining, I feel like he’s one melt down away from going “Chris Brown.” I want the “George Bush doesn’t like Black people” Kanye back. 

16 & Slow

On my way home I was greeted by news of last night’s 16 & Pregnant episode. The texts and Facebook comments could not convey the full scope of messiness in Briana’s episode. News of names such as Bliss being thrown around made me rush to my DVR. 

I’ll start by saying I had a bit of visceral reaction when I saw the preview. I thought to myself “just what we need MTV, another show about a Black baby born to an ill equipped teen mom.” Then I nearly had to tell myself to have several seats when I remembered that MTV brings us “messy” in all colors and shapes from Coast to Coast.

I kind of felt for Briana’s mom having another mouth to feed but let’s be honest; something went wrong in that family. Either both of those girls were absent on “Safe Sex” Day in health class or their mother never told them that NOT getting pregnant isn’t a magic trick.

Before I get into details about Briana can we discuss her sister Brittany? I absolutely loved Brittany. The scene where she went all the way in after Briana asked for beans (again) gave me life. I also loved the death glare she gave Devon, who we’ll discuss in a minute, when he finally had a minute to visit his daughter. I have a feeling Brittany is a good friend to have if you ever need to smack a hoe. 

Am I the only one who got the feeling Briana was a bit slow? I know she graduated high school early but there was something off with her. She had a very vacant glaze which I didn’t understand. The conversation with her friend about how her baby daddy should’ve been responsible for not getting her pregnant as if there was nothing within reason she could’ve done let me know for sure that she isn’t working with a full deck. I want Briana to get her life but getting a boring haircut isn’t the way. 

Nova Star is a cute baby however, that name is literally out of this world. Nova Star Dejesus is pretty high on the ‘resume “unfriendly” name’ list. How do I know this you ask? I’m a future lawyer named Shanique. Need I say I more on this point?  

Now on to the person who had my blood boiling. . .Baby Daddy Davon. If anyone knows Davon’s Twitter please leave it in the comments because he needs to know my thoughts. Every time they showed him, I wanted to knock the naps off of his head. Davon was slower than Briana because he thought his name could magically get on Baby Nova’s birth certificate without being there to sign. Briana’s mother is better than me because I would’ve attempted to knock the ash off of him when he showed up weeks after the baby was born, empty handed, with a friend and Ray-J’s kindergarten haircut. 

Let’s wrap because thinking about Davon is elevating my blood pressure and I don’t know how much more I can take. 

Am I the only one who caught how Briana’s mom tried to shade my beloved hometown, Brooklyn? Did she think parenting is easier in Florida than in Brooklyn? I’m guessing it’s the same $h!^ different weather.

What are your thoughts on last night’s mess? Let me know!

Sidenote: If you like this randomness, follow the Blog on Twitter @RantRaveRandom.  

Monday Night Mess

I know it’s been awhile but I’m finally back giving you my thoughts for entertainment and quieting the voices in my head. Below are some of my thoughts on tonight’s episode of Basketball Wives. 
  • Kenya: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Kenya isn’t from this earth. Who doesn’t know that Miami is known for nightlife?  I could go on about Kenya but that crazy eye scares me. Let’s not discuss her any further until she gets a new wig. 
  • Keisha: I’m pretty sure that genealogy lesson was a long way of telling us she’s nearly inbred. Can we retire her story line about being biracial? I’ve heard this story too many times and I’m over it. Now that she’s on the cast, can she please speak with one of the other Black women about the appropriate hair products to lay down those Black edges of her’s? I also don’t feel bad about her getting bullied by the other women. Didn’t she watch the old seasons of BBW? She’s going to be this season’s Meeka if she doesn’t understand that Tami is always a few beers and a Newport away from turning shit out. 
  • Suzi: Why is Suzi still on this show? Every episode her intelligence seems to decrease while her speech impediment gets worse. Suzi is that girl in high school who is so thirsty to be in with the in crowd that she’ll slap her grandmother and I’m not for it. Suzi’s memory is really short. How is she cracking on Tami about foodstamps when last season was the first time she realized being a baller’s baby mama isn’t something you can actually print on a resume? She either needs to get into a fist fight that’s actually entertaining or leave the cast. Anything else will not hold my interest. 
  • Royce: I like Royce but I really need her to stop shopping at Young World. 
  • Jen: I thought we spoke about those 1996 looking colored contacts weeks ago. Maybe her publicist didn’t give her the message. Did y’all catch that word she tried to use. . .”metamorph?” I guess that’s from the same dictionary as “misunderstanment” 
  • Evelyn: Ev, keep your eye on the prize. I’m pretty sure Ochocinco doesn’t want it with the Cash Money Crew. He may bench you if he noticed the way your eyes were glistening looking at Baby the way I did. I really think her speech was heartfelt she just didn’t keep it 100. She really wanted to say “thank you for putting me on. I never imagined I could make being a loud mouth, groupie/bully a career.”
  • Shaunie: I don’t want Shaunie on camera. It’s not that I don’t want to hear from her but I’d prefer her behind the camera and being the Godmother like Ms. Mona from Love & Hip Hop. I can’t say that I blame her though because some people like to see their money working for them. Sidenote: who was that man with Shaunie? Was that her Sugar Baby? 
  • Tami: I love Tami. It’s mostly because I have an affinity for most things hoodrat. I was hoping she was gonna give Suzi a swift kick over that foodstamp comment but she let me down. Oh well, there’s always next week.

That altercation was too much. After giving her “you helped me come up speech” Evelyn turned out Mr. Chow’s in front of all those White folks. She has to stop. She’s on TV; not Fordham Road. Out of all this, I think I’m Team Jen. I used to be Team Ev all the way because you always need a friend who cleans up nicely but can still whoop ass just in case a hoe gets out of line but she’s taken it overboard. There’s no need to turn out everywhere you go. I’m looking forward to next week because it’s sure to be filled with more things hoodrat. 

Is there anything I forgot? Please let me know. 

P.S. Do you like this randomness? Follow on Twitter @RantRaveRandom.

Reality Double Check?

As we discussed last week, law school is totally getting in the way of our reality TV QT. Here are my thoughts on this, “reality check.”
  • Dear Jim Jones, why were you sitting that way? Did y’all know Jim Jones was an invertebrate. . .I didn’t.
  • Emily. Emily, no one believes you weren’t indulging in the Coco Loso while y’all were living together. Where is Fab “claiming” Emily? Just because people know you’re the mother of Prince Joso now,  doesn’t mean he’s claiming you.
  • Kimbella. Can we admit that Kimbella isn’t pregnant? Wouldn’t she have been showing  during this fake ass reunion? After seeing Kimbella in action, I think we can all agree that Santana refusing to appear with her was a great idea. Kimbella wouldn’t know intelligence if it smacked her in those offensive ass roots.
  • Chrissy. Chrissy’s new haircut is working! Chrissy definitely read Yandy in that green screen interview. Is it weird that I kinda agree with Chrissy? Her big, jealous, fiery, smack a hoe personality is what had us tuning in every week and Yandy should admit that. Their dynamic is what made us want to know about Yandy Duck.
  • Yandy. Yandy clearly smashed Jimmy. She needs more people to convince me and the world otherwise. The interview was indoors. What was the purpose of that Yeti looking coat?  I’m done with Yandy, her “jury” line, her feelings and I’m especially done with her speech impediment. I’m sure she’s a nice person but I’m over her! Next.
  • Mama Jones. How come I keep picturing a box of fans that Mama Jones attempts to match to her mismatched outfits. Once your hotflashes are so frequent you have to carry a fan constantly, you can’t rap, Tweet or look for “naked” beaches. Stay tuned for Mama Jones on next season’s Celebrity Rehab. You read it here first.
  • Olivia. We already discussed the fact that Olivia’s weave has a bigger future than her music career. How does anyone make you look pathetic? We’ve seen far too much of Olivia holding herself back for me or anyone with more sense than Kimbella to have any sympathy. If there is a Season 3 I’m predicting that Olivia’s ass will be the first to get whooped since she tried to find her voice by saying Chrissy was wrong. Do you think Olivia is going to mess up this new record deal? If she does, she better take my advice and contact Tami Roman about that weave line.
  • Somaya. I kinda miss Somaya’s basic ass but there are only so many stories that you can tell about a giant West Coast, wanna-be musician with a short temper and even shorter vocabulary. What was her hair doing? Feel free to explain it to me. She needs to ask Olivia to put her on with the poppin’ hair game. Good for Ms. Mona for letting Somaya know her tequila and shoe line isn’t interesting. For someone who claims they aren’t mad about being written out, Sasquatch seemed mad to me.
  • Erica. Did Erica get those boobs on lay a way or something? I’m tired of hearing about them. How was the show edited to make her look bad? She was acting a whole entire fool. “If I let anybody down,” Bye Girl. Go apologize to your child for the fact s/he has been sent here with your dizzy ass as their mother. Ms. Mona is good. I wouldn’t coddle her. She did do things wrong. All the way wrong. They better not bring her back next season because the only thing more tired than her inflated tits is the fact she thinks anyone believes she’s anything near decent, good or legitimate.
  • Ms. Mona. After seeing this, it is clear Ms. Mona is the pimp and the whole cast is her gang of hoes. She must have been trained Shaunie O’Neal.

I kind of wanted them to bring Bratz Doll Tiarra Mari for a sit down. I’d love to know what she thinks about looking more thirsty and unemployed than Olivia. All in all, Ms. Mona needs to get better drafters for the show’s contracts. The reunion should have been a requirement. I don’t care who refused to sit with whom.

Will you be watching the ATL cast? We need more information on them.

Did I miss anything? Let me know. Till next time, Lovers!

Love & Hoe Hop Season Finale

School is totally blocking on my ability to watch my favorite reality shows in real time and chat about them with my Facebook friends. Below are the comments I would’ve written on Facebook, had I watched it with all your loveliness in real time. Comment, follow, share, “like” & most of all enjoy!

  • Kimbella. Am I the only one tired of her pretending she & Juelz have a regular relationship? How much can Juelz really give you from Rikers? Kimbella needs Dr. Drew because she doesn’t even know what right sounds like. Also can we get her some EFL; not to be confused with ESL. Kimbella needs “English as a First Language” if she doesn’t know the difference between flourish and flower. By hearing her speak I know good and well she can’t help that 9 year old with his homework.  I’m gonna need Kimbella to go with Emily to child support court and on the way stop at CVS and get some dye to touch up that ever present root situation. Can we get her a thesaurus app too? She didn’t know what “woman’s intuition” is. Feel free to explain to me how a man can be committed but not all the way. I thought being all the way in was the definition of commitment. But hey, this may be another misunderstandment.
  • Chrissy. Please don’t get chubby, you finally got the ring. That means you’re winning. Don’t slip now! Stay strong, resist Mama Jones’s crack infused biscuits. Chrissy, is Jimmy loyal to a wedding date?
  • Olivia. I want Olivia to win so it’s hard for me to say anything bad about her. What I can say is, that if the singing thing doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t; she should start a weave line. Her hair is always laid like she wants to be on the A List. Who does she think she is? She’s worth more than $1.5 million, really? Stay tuned because next season she’s gonna be back at home getting notes slipped under her door. I cannot understand that Pretty Girl blouse she was wearing in the confessional either. Feel free to explain.
  • Yandy. If there is a season 3 with Yandy, I’m gonna need VH1, Mona or whoever else has the power, to get her some speech therapy. I cannot take anyone with a Donald Duck accent seriously. Once she gets that together, I might consider looking into her “jury” line. I’m just kidding, we know those stones ain’t real. Let’s move on.
  • Mama Jones. Can we have a new rule that once you’re a Grandma you cannot start a rap career? Who’s doing the thinking at Club Shadow? Why would they book her? She must have Frankie’s manager. If she gets a spin off I’m killing myself. Did y’all peep how the dolphin was the only one who understood Mama Jones at the dolphin cove? My head almost exploded when she said was going to look for the “naked” beach. After seeing her boyish frame in that massage towel, I really hope for the sake of everything that’s good and holy Mama Jones did not expose further herself.
  • Ms. Mona. I’d love for Ms. Mona to get a spin off where she reads each and every outta focus bitch for an entire episode.
  • Emily. My good girlfriends from the Skorpion Show said it best. If Jay-Z can claim Beyonce, Fabolous could claim Emily if he wanted to. We just saw him plastered across the blogs with Adrienne used to be in 3LW Baillon for the reopening for 40/40. Emily, get a child support order and move on. The chances of Loso being faithful are about as high as Kimbella becoming valedictorian.  P.S. Em, watch out for Winter. She’s definitely sampled the Coco Loso. 
Thankfully Bratz Doll, Teairra Mari was nowhere to be seen. I have an idea, T. Mari should start a beef with FunkFlex so she can get some airtime.  They better not bring her back next season. One out of work singer (Olivia) is more than enough.
I hate to type this but Somaya is actually the winner this season. She got a man to invest $500K in her joke of a music career. That situation let me know that I’m doing something wrong because half of that would get Sallie Mae up off my back and leave me with some change. Somaya, girl put me on!
Did I miss anything? Lemme know!

The “Bad” Girls Club?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

The Bad Girls Club started its newest season in New Orleans. Besides missing girls from seasons past who were actually bad, the premiere got me thinking. . .where have all the real Bad Girls gone? Too often women have labeled themselves bad girls when they’re just bad at life. Let’s discuss some of the most common characters mislabeled as Bad Girls.
1. The Big Kid: We all know her, she never wants to grow up; think Peter Pan. She’s in her late 20’s still involved in the shenanigans better fit for someone 18-21. Obviously you don’t have to stay at home & knit once you turn 25 but you certainly should be handling your business. If you’re 25+ still spending every dime you have as if you’re waiting on allowance, the only thing bad about you is your ability to budget. Having no career, no focus, doing the same thing you did in high school and having no idea you’re not winning doesn’t make you a bad girl, it makes you a hot mess.
2. The Crazy Girl : Attempting to terrorize your man (or others) into submission is not cute. Really, have you ever heard someone say “stalking is sexy?” Destruction of property was only hot when Angela Bassett did it in Waiting to Exhale. If you think harassment, embarrassment, vandalism, assault, battery and any other forms of insanity are routinely appropriate, you’re not a bad girl, you’re a basket case. If you fit this description you should consider attending church and psychotherapy sessions regularly. You may also want to consider prepaying a lawyer because all that crazy only gets you 1 place. . .Rikers.
3. The Boogie Girl: We’ve all come across this person, she portrays herself as if she’s bad but once you confront her you can change her name to “cowardly lion” within seconds. I don’t understand these women, if you wanna blow smoke try Newports. In reality the Boogie Girls are just like the Boogie Man, the idea of them is kinda scary but in reality, they don’t even exist. Remember: The Boogie Girl is a bitch with no bite.
4. The Battery Girl: This is the girl who is only bad when someone else directs (inserts the battery) her to be that way. I’m sure you’ve encountered her, she walks and talks like a bad girl when she’s around other bad girls but have one conversation with her and you’ll find out that the only “bad” thing about her is her ability to think for herself. Remember: Real Bad Girls lead not follow.
5. The Badly Behaved Girl: See, Judi from this season’s BGC. Doing any random thing like kissing strangers or tossing someone’s prized possession doesn’t make you a bad girl; it makes you an idiot and no one should treat you like a real person until you stop acting like you were in the “special” class. Doing every slutty, spiteful, disgusting thing you can think of just means you’re slutty, spiteful and disgusting and deserve to be treated as such. If you were bad meaning good, I’m pretty sure you would not need nor want to act that way.
Let’s remember, once you become a woman, being a “bad girl” is a state of mind AND a lifestyle. It’s doing things for yourself for the right reasons. It’s approaching things hard and smart, choosing your battles, sometimes speaking softly but always carrying your “big stick.”

Too Much for TV

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RANT

Lately, there have been a lot of people doing everything they’ve seen celebrities, models and actresses doing. Just because Rihanna makes her hair stand on end and everyone loves it, that doesn’t mean you can too. Also, just because something looks good on a runway, photo spread or music video, that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable in real life. I know Cassie shaved half head and the phototogs went crazy but NEWS FLASH: Cassie doesn’t work 9-5. No one wants to walk into a doctor’s office and see the receptionist with half of her head shaved. I know it was cute when Paris Hilton wore a tutu on the red carpet but the cuteness is lost if you’re wearing a tutu on the subway. I mean really, if you’re a 35-year-old man with a Mohawk, do you really expect anyone to take you seriously?

TAKE AWAY POINT: If something is too much for TV, it’s too much for real life.