Category Archives: Random

The Khloe K. Problem

Posted in Love, Random by

Last year we discussed the Kim K. problem. The Kim K. Problem is that girl we all know who is always madly in love with their flavor of the month (think Kim K. or Royce). Click: https://triple18.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/the-kim-k-problem/ if you need to catch up on that discussion. 

After thinking about my own emotional walls, I began to wonder. Could I be susceptible to the Khloe K. “Problem?” Not being considered the ugly duckling but having emotional walls after a few bad relationships then all of a sudden falling head over ankles for someone when you didn’t expect it. 

Let’s discuss!

For those of you who aren’t aware of Khloe’s back story. . .she had been lied to and cheated on (both on & off TV). Then she met Lamar Odom fell madly in love and got married 1 month later. Now she speaks to him in baby talk and they drink from each other’s mouth. Seeing that made me think, at what point do your emotional walls stop holding some things out but rather holding a lot of things in? 

There was a time when walking around for hours doing nothing in particular and staying on the phone all night was normal. Then things went very far left. That beautifully innocent love got traded for Project Girls calling me from blocked numbers to explain that they’re tired being Girlfriend #2 and they’d like nothing more than to have my top spot. Then I began to ask myself, what is this all for? Do we all just have our hearts open Kim K. style for no good reason? Of course when you first fall for someone you never imagine he’d go Anthony Weiner and start sending d*ck pics online. How does one recover from these kinds of things?

If any of you have the answer please tell me. Is there a way to remain smart about this when love is stupid (practically) speaking? I’m afraid that since I’ve become so good at avoiding being vulnerable and thinking I’m special enough to beat statistics I could be ripe for a Khloe K. situation.  I ask because I have no problem being crazy; crazy in love is an entirely different story. 

Is it possible to go from situations that  even the greatest fiction writer couldn’t imagine to falling madly in love, ignoring logic and statistics and thinking that putting my closest friends in bad dresses from David’s Bridal is what I want for my life? This, I must know. 

While this has turned out to be more of a barrage of questions to which I have no answers than the whit and sarcasm I normally give, I ask that you just roll with me.

Caught Phrases

Posted in Culture, Random by

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and a phrase (or several) raised your antennae?  I’m going to give you a few phrases that should raise your suspicions immediately.

  • “When I get my tax refund” This attempt at the okie doke has probably been around as long as the IRS has existed. If someone claims they are going to gift, loan or repay you anything with their tax refund; FORGET IT! Anyone who treats a tax refund like the lotto probably shouldn’t be trusted. Avoid this phrase at all costs. It’ll bring you nothing but a let down. 
  • “Settlement”  Talks of a “settlement” are probably the only thing less reliable than the statement about tax refund money. I’ve heard many people claim they were going to buy a house in Florida, get a car or start a business after they got their “settlement.” You don’t have to be a former psychic friend to guess that those same people were still taking the train to the place they had been living and owned little more than the clothes they were wearing. If someone comes to you with a settlement story let them know they’re an amateur and as a result of reading this you’re un-okiedokeable
  • “The haters. . .” It’s 2012. If you can’t give me specific names and alleged wrong doings save your story for someone who has more time than me. Anyone who is doing anything mildly respectable in life has haters. If you’re really real there’s no need to discuss these people frequently. If you’re living right the “haters” will always be there. 
  • “I was in school for. . .” This phrase usually precedes a sad story about getting knocked up or not realizing tuition is due yearly. If you need inspiration, download Kanye West’s “College Dropout” and try to come up with a plan. 
  • “We need to talk” This usually means “we need to talk about something you don’t want to talk about.” 
  • “I thought we were friends/cool, etc. . .” If you need to say this to someone; don’t. You needing to ask is evidence that you’re not really friends, cool or really anything with the party to whom you’re saying this. If you ever feel the need to utter this phrase end it with “but I see we’re not” and treat the recipient like a stranger. Stranger may be a little harsh but hey, it’s a cold world.   

What are other phrases we need to watch for? Let me know! 

Bully vs. Battle

Posted in Culture, Random, Reality TV by

First let me begin by saying “how you doin’?” (Wendy Williams voice). It’s been so long since we spoke through this forum and I’ve missed you. 

Originally I was going to write about something else tonight but after seeing tonight’s Basketball Wives episode we must discuss Tami Acts Like She’s Never Left the Block Roman’s antics. 

First of all, let’s admit what’s really happening here. Tami thinks she’s “keeping it real” when she’s keeping it trashy, ghetto, ratchet, hoodrat, tacky (choose your favorite adjective). 

There’s a difference between bullying and battling. A battle is two equal forces going against each other. Think Jay-Z v. Nas, Obama v. Hillary or even Evelyn v. Tami. Bullying is well. . .everything Tami did tonight. Let’s run through it! 

  • Crouching Hoodrat. That crouched position at the table was the first problem. They’re in paradise but Tami is acting like she’s on a project bench.
  • Purse snatching. Tami claims she’s a New Yorker but we need to pull her card. In what ‘hood is purse snatching an appropriate form of intimidation? Let me know, so I avoid that gutter.
  • Law & Disorder. You would think that after being reported she would’ve straightened up; quickly. But nooo, trash-bag Tami has to keep going. I’m still confused at how Kesha was the problem when Tami turned purse snatcher. 
  • Apology. I’m still a bit confused as to what exactly Tami claims required an apology. However, I’m pretty sure that once you snatch my purse, I no longer have to apologize to you. That’s a rule. 
  • Tears & Terror. Once Tami saw that Keshia was a small pile of biracial sadness, why didn’t she just stop? It’s kinda like kicking a disabled puppy; wrong. How could anyone continue terrorizing a person who is clearly ill-equipped to defend themselves? Tami has to try another kind of therapy because whatever she’s doing isn’t working.
  • Shaunie. I don’t understand why Shaunie even pretends to give a damn about any of this mess. I saw those dollar signs in her eyes. She ain’t foolin’ me. 
  • Suzie. Suzie and her chicken wing looking limbs had me pissed off tonight. As my Facebook Friends can tell you, I think she needs to play football. That hoe stays running back. She ran to Tami to say what Keshia said but after Keshia gets assaulted she acts as if she’s so concerned. Let’s find an empty stadium for Suzie, where she can proceed to have every seat. 
  • Evelyn. When did Evelyn become so sensitive? First she’s crying of crooked wig Nia being called the bum she is. Now she’s crying with Keshia but not telling Tami to lay off before she ends up in a place where they don’t have Bud Light and weird lace fronts. I don’t get it. Feel free to explain. 

A friend told me Tami claims to have apologized to Keshia but honestly if I were Keshia I’d be apologizing to Tami’s kids after I sued the pants off their tacky mother. I’m always down for a little messiness but you have to stop somewhere. I hope Tami has a secret stash of bail money and attorney’s fees somewhere. If she keeps going she want be on VH1, she’ll be on MSNBC “Locked Up.” 

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

Twitter @RantRaveRandom

Hood Tales

Posted in Culture, Random by

NYC (specifically Brooklyn) gives me so much entertainment I thought it’s only right I share few tales with you.

Metropolitan Bound M Train Myrtle Ave
Guy calls his Baby Mama’s new man. Baby Mama has moved on; Guy has not. The following rant ensued: “Stay there. I’m over there right now to ***k you up. You ain’t got nothing to say? Are you still there or did you hang up like a p*$$¥?” Take away: If you know your Baby Daddy is unstable you should probably keep your new relationship a secret unless your new man is more crazy.

Bushwick/Bed Stuy Border
Girl with newborn baby strapped to her and at least 1 other child tells Guy who never leaves the block about another girl who she’s quote “looking for.” “I told her as soon as I see her I’m gonna run up on her. I can’t have nobody sneaking me. I got kids to worry about.” Now do you agree that people should be licensed before they’re allowed to reproduce? If you see nothing wrong with this scene 2 things: 1. I dunno how you found my blog because it certainly isn’t intended for your kind and 2. Rule: Once you become a parent, the only fighting you should be doing is to protect your offspring.

Bushwick Ave.

Boy: Your dirty pu$$y, talking about you got a yeast infection Girl: Get the ***k outta my face with your uncircumcised *i**. Boy: That’s okay, you was still sucking it! Take away: Arguing about whose genitals are worse makes you both look filthy. Just be thankful someone got intimate with your nasty junk in the first place.

J Train Myrtle Ave.

Puerto Rican dude wearing Dickies on the phone. “Why should we split the stacks? Those are your boys. I can just rob them. I’ll pop ’em the foot. They’ll live. You down? I’ll make it look real. I’ll just graze you in the hand.” Rule: If you think it’s appropriate to discuss an armed robbery over the phone on a crowded train, just keep a commissary fund handy because you’re going to jail.

There are more tales to come. Have you ever witnessed such hot ghettomess? Let me know!

The Day I Learned

Posted in Random by

Saturday, a student at my job had to bring in a robot baby as part of her school’s “don’t end up 16 & pregnant” initiative. She had to leave class during a quiz because Robo Baby started crying. The cry is a recording of an actual baby, by the way. I had no choice but to try to help. I wanted to help not because she had been up all night and the look of desperation on her face but because Robo Baby was extra loud and I am not for high school health projects giving me headaches.

Not wanting her to miss too much class time I offered to “babysit” Robo Baby. In addition to crying when it’s hungry, needs a diaper change or just wants to be held; Robo Baby has the nerve to be the weight of a real baby. After spending approximately half hour with Robo Baby, I realized that Robo Baby is effective not only for deterring teen pregnancy; it worked to deter me too. The level of frustration and helplessness I felt while trying to keep Robo Baby quiet is almost too much to put into words.

All I know is that if Robo Baby is anything like a real baby, I learned I am currently NOT for motherhood or anything resembling it.

HoliDaze

Posted in Culture, Random by

I’m glad that you all have survived the holidays. I don’t know about you but I am kind of glad the Holiday Season is over and everyone is still in one piece. Below are just a few of my random thoughts about the holidays. As you read please keep in mind that I always wish I will be normal in my next life.

Timing
I think they group the major holidays together because a lot of people need nearly 12 full months to recover. Imagine if Christmas was really on Jesus’s birthday which some claim is in September and we left Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve in place. I don’t know about you but that’s way too spread out which means there’s a greater chance of bad things happening. When I say “bad things” I mean bad family related things which brings us to the next and most stressful topic.

Family

Few things turn normally sane and rational people into irrational borderline homicidal maniacs than the Holidays. Whether it’s the logistics of which dinner is going to be at whose house or which trifling, always empty handed, annoying, lazy, etc. [insert whichever adjective applies to your people here] relative is going to show up, the holidays can bring out the best and worst in us all. It’s really a miracle I didn’t have my very own episode of Intervention after my grandmother called me hysterically last year saying the turkey was missing. The turkey was not in fact missing but apparently the mere hint that turkey was not present and accounted for sent Grandma into a tizzy. At that moment and this moment, I am not for random tizzy throwing . With the combination of mind altering substances used to numb the pain of family gatherings and family members who don’t know when to say when, it’s no wonder violent crime increases during the holidays.

Holiday Parties (Rave!)
I love holiday parties. They’re usually great break from relatives and a good place to get the libations which I’ll surely need after a full day of my grandmother’s antics. Another reason why holiday parties are great is because they’re elective. If you don’t want to attend just tell the host you can’t get away from your family or you have another event to attend. All in all anything that just requires me to look cute and show up always wins; not to mention holiday libations are always delicious. Candy Cane cocktail with sugar around the rim? Yes, I’ll take 2.

Facebook
Facebook gets really annoying around the holidays; especially New Year’s Eve. There’s always that person (or people depending on how selective you are) who claim they’re gonna murder everything in the New Year. Let’s have an honest moment. If you haven’t killed anything in your previous years on earth the New Year probably won’t be any different. Maybe these people would be able to make things happen if they concentrated on making things happen instead of writing about it.
Random/Rave
The Facebook photos of babies in their “My first Christmas” or “Mommy’s gift” onesies are adorable 99% of the time and don’t bother me one bit.

Finally, (random) am I the only one who says brief prayers for those people who don’t families to gather with on holidays but instead want to invite you to some random thing on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day? It’s like, Girl, I love you but I’m not getting myself written out of the family will because I’m trying to play Taboo with your lonely ass while my people are having dinner; let’s save all that for the after party.

Are you in a Holidaze? Let me know!

2011 Expiration

Posted in Culture, Random by

As the year comes to a close, I thought it appropriate to share a small list of things I hope do not join us in 2012.

BBW “inspired” earrings

When we first saw Jenn & Evelyn wearing them, they were kinda unique but enough is really enough. Now there are million girls doing how to videos on YouTube. The earrings have even made it to the tables on the streets of NYC. If you want to know when a trend stops being trendy, check the tables.

Mohawks
Need I say more?

Pantyhose as leggings

If whatever you’re wearing has a run in them, they’re not leggings. They are stockings and you should not be shocked by all the side-eyes you’re receiving. Actual leggings are sold everywhere from Forever 21 to H &M so let’s leave anything with a control top under a skirt or dress or in 2011 if you think they can be leggings.

Conservative Politician sex scandals
If we’ve learned anything this year in politics we’ve learned that as long as the media and Internet exist jump offs will find their way to the public. If you like to play “grab your ankles” with people of the same sex or someone other than your spouse you better get an angle other than family values.

Ray-Jesque Media Rants
Unless you’re Charlie Sheen or Paula Abdul getting on the air while you’re still leaning from last night is not a good look.

Knock-offs
We all know that as long as Canal Street exists there will be knock offs but can’t a girl hope? What’s the point of getting something that’s supposed to be something else? The feet and seams on that wanna be speedy are a dead give away. Either get a plain bag or save up for the real deal because the only people who will be fooled are people who don’t know the difference in the first place.

Fake Moral Superiority
You can file this along side the conservative sex scandals. We’re moving into 2012, we’ve seen that sometimes hoes actually win. Don’t believe me? Google ATL “housewife” Kim trapping, I mean marrying Kroy and Hoopz & Shaq’s alleged nuptials. We know everyone isn’t wholesome. Sometimes it takes being a stripper, gold digger, or mistress/jump off for people to “get on,” “come up” etc. Still don’t believe me? Google Calista Gingrich. What needs to stop is once someone gets on they start pretending they’ve been on the up & up all along. I could’ve jumped through my TV the other night when Kim tried to turn her nose up at Marlo for doing the same thing she did to get on. Clearly twerking for married men causes memory loss because she was acting like she forgot that she accepted more than one “engagement” ring from another woman’s husband. Take away: If ankle grabbing was your profession, own it and don’t knock co-twerkers after you retire.

2012 Apocalypse

If you don’t know by now, the Mayan calendar ends December 2012. How anyone can find an ounce of veracity in this story is beyond me. If the Mayans predicted so many things, how come we haven’t heard about them predicting their own demise? This story along with Mama Jones’s rap career, needs to go away and stay there.

What would you rather not see next year? Let me know!

Fake Friends

This topic is something I’ve wanted to write on for awhile but I procrastinate more than a teenage boy maturates. Recently I’ve had 2 experiences (that I know of) with fake something like friends. 1 was with a friend of a friend. The other was with a person who indeed had me confused. It’s okay because she’s now dead to me. You may be thinking “that’s a bit harsh.”  You’re right. If that’s too harsh for you just insert that line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 songs “If I never see [their] face[s] again, I don’t mind.” These people are as useful as a flashlight missing a bulb and batteries during a blackout.

I have a request. Can we put all these people on an island? Ok, maybe just for social things; nah, everything. I’m over 25 and I still have no use for these people. How do you ever have a real interaction with a fake person? I think I need a faketionary because there’s no way I can understand these beings otherwise.

I find these people funny in a sad way. How much is your life lacking that you have the time AND motivation to deal with someone who you don’t care for really? I have a hard enough time keeping up with the people I value. The thought of dealing with people I don’t like for whatever reason appeals to me as much as a root canal. I don’t blame either of these 2 sad souls for what they did, be clear. I blame myself for not recognizing that they weren’t shit in the first place.

If you all have any tips, thoughts or knowledge on this situation please comment because I have a strange feeling I may keep encountering these kind of people and I don’t want them to be confused because the “S” in my name is not for “sucka,” “slouch” or “soft.”

Let’s end with a line from one of my favorite rappers Fabolous…I’d rather a real enemy than a fake friend. Enemies will shoot you from the front but ‘friends’ will stab you in the back.

Classroom Don’ts

For those of you who know me, you know I’ve been in school for about 100 years. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or because school has gotten progressively more expensive. Following are just a few of my thoughts on things that should NOT be done in classrooms.

  • Don’t eat smelly food. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I understand that many times you’re running from class to class or class to work, etc but if you need to eat in class please pick something that is REASONABLE. It always amazes me how people think it’s appropriate to eat an egg sandwich, Philly cheese steak, fish, cabbage or whatever other smelly food they can dream up in a crowded classroom. I can’t even listen to what the professor is saying because I’m fantasizing about how much I want to snatch that cheese steak from your hand, onions and all and throw it and you out of the classroom for being so ridiculously inconsiderate.
  • Don’t sit front and center if you plan on being late regularly. You know yourself, if you give yourself 30 minutes to get to class and live at least 35 minutes away, middle of the front row 5 people in is NOT the place for you. Repeatedly showing up late while trying to inconspicuously slide into your seat is the weekday version of a walk of shame. Don’t let it be you.
  • Don’t take crowded classes if you don’t bathe regularly. What has the rest of the class done to you that you’re making them smell your ever accumulating funk? It’s unfair.
  • Don’t let your child sit in someone’s seat. I understand that you may want Boo Boo to see what you’re learning or daycare may be closed however, I don’t care how cute your child is, they didn’t pay for that seat, your classmate did. You may be thinking that’s a bit harsh, it is. You know what else is harsh, this tuition, keep Junior out of other people’s space.
  • Don’t skip class if you’ve been warned it’s your turn to speak, lead, present, etc. I’m all for taking a mental health day however taking that day when you’re on the hot seat is not the right behavior for this world. I was placed in this situation a few weeks ago. The other person who was supposed to be on call with me skipped class though we were told we would be called on. I was prepared so answering the professor’s questions wasn’t really a big deal. My issue with not showing up instead of just saying you plan to skip class is that appears to be kind of passive aggressive and I prefer regular aggressive.
  • Do keep your feet in your shoes. It’s bad enough I’ve attended school in 2 states where people wear flip flops for far too long, now people are removing their shoes. A couple weeks ago I saw someone in class remove her shoes then let them hang into the aisle. Besides the obvious rudeness, the polish on her toenails looked like someone had chewed it. When people do things like this it makes me wish we really could vote people off the “island.”
  • Do NOT watch porn or anything else objectionable. Well, I guess I mean don’t expect no one to realize you’re browsing such material during class. If you’re ok with people giving you the side eye because you’re watching anime porno, disregard this.

Did I miss anything? If so, let me know!

Forever Young?

Posted in Music, Random by


Now that MTV, BET and VH1 are mostly out of the music business it’s rare that I see any videos. Over the weekend I came across Beyonce’s video for “Party” on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown. Of course after 1 second Beyonce managed to astonish me. No, I don’t mean by letting her sister get in the video with those Janet Jackson in Poet Justice braids, but that kind of offended my eyes too. The first line I remember was “I may be young but I’m ready.” It made me think, at what age can you no longer call yourself young? Beyonce is 30.

Obviously since living beyond 80 is no longer uncommon, 30 is not old but is it still young? As I write this, I’m starting to think maybe I over think pop music. Maybe the problem isn’t that a 30 year old woman is calling herself young. Maybe the problem is me, a person who thinks lyrics should make some kind of sense. I am just as befuddled  now as I was when Mrs. Jay-Z made “single ladies.”  As usual, I digress.

Back to the original topic. I was always told that you want to take of yourself while you are young so that you won’t look like an old shoe as age. We know that we’ll always be relatively young since there never seems to be a shortage of old people. I’ve witnessed women say things like “I’m not old, I’m 37.” I think to myself, “you may not be ‘old’ but young has left you too.” That might be mean of me but I’m still a work in progress. Pray for me.

I still really need to know. Is calling yourself young the way to make sure you are always as young as you feel? Or, is calling yourself young after 30 a stretch?