Author Archives: Short Fuse

Love & Hoe Hop Season Finale

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

School is totally blocking on my ability to watch my favorite reality shows in real time and chat about them with my Facebook friends. Below are the comments I would’ve written on Facebook, had I watched it with all your loveliness in real time. Comment, follow, share, “like” & most of all enjoy!

  • Kimbella. Am I the only one tired of her pretending she & Juelz have a regular relationship? How much can Juelz really give you from Rikers? Kimbella needs Dr. Drew because she doesn’t even know what right sounds like. Also can we get her some EFL; not to be confused with ESL. Kimbella needs “English as a First Language” if she doesn’t know the difference between flourish and flower. By hearing her speak I know good and well she can’t help that 9 year old with his homework.  I’m gonna need Kimbella to go with Emily to child support court and on the way stop at CVS and get some dye to touch up that ever present root situation. Can we get her a thesaurus app too? She didn’t know what “woman’s intuition” is. Feel free to explain to me how a man can be committed but not all the way. I thought being all the way in was the definition of commitment. But hey, this may be another misunderstandment.
  • Chrissy. Please don’t get chubby, you finally got the ring. That means you’re winning. Don’t slip now! Stay strong, resist Mama Jones’s crack infused biscuits. Chrissy, is Jimmy loyal to a wedding date?
  • Olivia. I want Olivia to win so it’s hard for me to say anything bad about her. What I can say is, that if the singing thing doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t; she should start a weave line. Her hair is always laid like she wants to be on the A List. Who does she think she is? She’s worth more than $1.5 million, really? Stay tuned because next season she’s gonna be back at home getting notes slipped under her door. I cannot understand that Pretty Girl blouse she was wearing in the confessional either. Feel free to explain.
  • Yandy. If there is a season 3 with Yandy, I’m gonna need VH1, Mona or whoever else has the power, to get her some speech therapy. I cannot take anyone with a Donald Duck accent seriously. Once she gets that together, I might consider looking into her “jury” line. I’m just kidding, we know those stones ain’t real. Let’s move on.
  • Mama Jones. Can we have a new rule that once you’re a Grandma you cannot start a rap career? Who’s doing the thinking at Club Shadow? Why would they book her? She must have Frankie’s manager. If she gets a spin off I’m killing myself. Did y’all peep how the dolphin was the only one who understood Mama Jones at the dolphin cove? My head almost exploded when she said was going to look for the “naked” beach. After seeing her boyish frame in that massage towel, I really hope for the sake of everything that’s good and holy Mama Jones did not expose further herself.
  • Ms. Mona. I’d love for Ms. Mona to get a spin off where she reads each and every outta focus bitch for an entire episode.
  • Emily. My good girlfriends from the Skorpion Show said it best. If Jay-Z can claim Beyonce, Fabolous could claim Emily if he wanted to. We just saw him plastered across the blogs with Adrienne used to be in 3LW Baillon for the reopening for 40/40. Emily, get a child support order and move on. The chances of Loso being faithful are about as high as Kimbella becoming valedictorian.  P.S. Em, watch out for Winter. She’s definitely sampled the Coco Loso. 
Thankfully Bratz Doll, Teairra Mari was nowhere to be seen. I have an idea, T. Mari should start a beef with FunkFlex so she can get some airtime.  They better not bring her back next season. One out of work singer (Olivia) is more than enough.
I hate to type this but Somaya is actually the winner this season. She got a man to invest $500K in her joke of a music career. That situation let me know that I’m doing something wrong because half of that would get Sallie Mae up off my back and leave me with some change. Somaya, girl put me on!
Did I miss anything? Lemme know!

Hood Tales

Posted in Culture, Random by

NYC (specifically Brooklyn) gives me so much entertainment I thought it’s only right I share few tales with you.

Metropolitan Bound M Train Myrtle Ave
Guy calls his Baby Mama’s new man. Baby Mama has moved on; Guy has not. The following rant ensued: “Stay there. I’m over there right now to ***k you up. You ain’t got nothing to say? Are you still there or did you hang up like a p*$$¥?” Take away: If you know your Baby Daddy is unstable you should probably keep your new relationship a secret unless your new man is more crazy.

Bushwick/Bed Stuy Border
Girl with newborn baby strapped to her and at least 1 other child tells Guy who never leaves the block about another girl who she’s quote “looking for.” “I told her as soon as I see her I’m gonna run up on her. I can’t have nobody sneaking me. I got kids to worry about.” Now do you agree that people should be licensed before they’re allowed to reproduce? If you see nothing wrong with this scene 2 things: 1. I dunno how you found my blog because it certainly isn’t intended for your kind and 2. Rule: Once you become a parent, the only fighting you should be doing is to protect your offspring.

Bushwick Ave.

Boy: Your dirty pu$$y, talking about you got a yeast infection Girl: Get the ***k outta my face with your uncircumcised *i**. Boy: That’s okay, you was still sucking it! Take away: Arguing about whose genitals are worse makes you both look filthy. Just be thankful someone got intimate with your nasty junk in the first place.

J Train Myrtle Ave.

Puerto Rican dude wearing Dickies on the phone. “Why should we split the stacks? Those are your boys. I can just rob them. I’ll pop ’em the foot. They’ll live. You down? I’ll make it look real. I’ll just graze you in the hand.” Rule: If you think it’s appropriate to discuss an armed robbery over the phone on a crowded train, just keep a commissary fund handy because you’re going to jail.

There are more tales to come. Have you ever witnessed such hot ghettomess? Let me know!

The Day I Learned

Posted in Random by

Saturday, a student at my job had to bring in a robot baby as part of her school’s “don’t end up 16 & pregnant” initiative. She had to leave class during a quiz because Robo Baby started crying. The cry is a recording of an actual baby, by the way. I had no choice but to try to help. I wanted to help not because she had been up all night and the look of desperation on her face but because Robo Baby was extra loud and I am not for high school health projects giving me headaches.

Not wanting her to miss too much class time I offered to “babysit” Robo Baby. In addition to crying when it’s hungry, needs a diaper change or just wants to be held; Robo Baby has the nerve to be the weight of a real baby. After spending approximately half hour with Robo Baby, I realized that Robo Baby is effective not only for deterring teen pregnancy; it worked to deter me too. The level of frustration and helplessness I felt while trying to keep Robo Baby quiet is almost too much to put into words.

All I know is that if Robo Baby is anything like a real baby, I learned I am currently NOT for motherhood or anything resembling it.

Other People’s Money

Santorum's sweater vest

As if thinking sweater vests were still okay wasn’t bad enough, Rick Santorum recently received 10,000 side eyes for his comment on Fox News about not wanting to make Black peoples’ lives better by giving them someone else’s money. If you didn’t see the footage, watch it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/rick-santorum-entitlements-black-people_n_1181212.html. After seeing this, I began to think. Is Santorum against giving away other people’s money in all cases? Let’s explore.

Gifts 

Did you get a nice crisp bill or check from Grandma for Christmas? If you’re one of my Black readers you may want to return it. According to Ricky Sandstorm; I mean Santorum, having other people’s money isn’t the way to feel good about yourself. Tell Grandma you still love her but you want to be self-reliant and taking gifts from her doesn’t fit with that.

Inheritance

If you don’t think taking other people’s money after they die makes people feel good Google “Paris Hilton.” Since inheritance is one of the main ways wealthy people become and remain wealthy I’m guessing Anti-Santa, I mean Santorum, is okay with it. But, if we go on his same logic about making people feel good with other people’s money, Santorum should be fighting for a 100% inheritance tax. After all we wouldn’t someone who inherited money becoming famous because the only thing of note they’ve ever done is call Lindsay Lohan a “fire crotch.” Wait, that already happened? Never mind. If you don’t remember Google “Brandon Davis.”

Life Insurance

Life insurance is other people’s money. A lot of other people. Like welfare the money came from people the beneficiary doesn’t even know. Lost a spouse, parent or anyone else who would name you beneficiary? Get ready to work through  grief at work because I’m guessing Santorum wouldn’t want you having the comfort of feeling good about yourself because “someone else” paid money during their lives intended to benefit you once they died.

Brown, White, Yellow & Red

Santorum said didn’t want Blacks feeling good about themselves because of welfare. Well, what about all the Asians, Native Americans, Latinos, and, hold your breath, Whites getting welfare too? Are they special because they’re not Black or are they just Welfare Princesses and the example has to be made of only the Welfare Queens?

As if you couldn’t tell by now none of this makes any logical sense. I’d Rick to first think about the loyalty of whoever told him sweater vests are still acceptable in 2012. Then he can move on to the really hard things; like talking without sounding like an old school bigot. If we learned nothing else from Herman Brought the Pain Cain and Clarence Thomas we learned that in this day an age, racism has to be high tech. Or maybe Santorum got his racism from the same era when sweater vests were in style. Either way, I’ve had more than enough of him and his ancient ideas.

HoliDaze

Posted in Culture, Random by

I’m glad that you all have survived the holidays. I don’t know about you but I am kind of glad the Holiday Season is over and everyone is still in one piece. Below are just a few of my random thoughts about the holidays. As you read please keep in mind that I always wish I will be normal in my next life.

Timing
I think they group the major holidays together because a lot of people need nearly 12 full months to recover. Imagine if Christmas was really on Jesus’s birthday which some claim is in September and we left Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve in place. I don’t know about you but that’s way too spread out which means there’s a greater chance of bad things happening. When I say “bad things” I mean bad family related things which brings us to the next and most stressful topic.

Family

Few things turn normally sane and rational people into irrational borderline homicidal maniacs than the Holidays. Whether it’s the logistics of which dinner is going to be at whose house or which trifling, always empty handed, annoying, lazy, etc. [insert whichever adjective applies to your people here] relative is going to show up, the holidays can bring out the best and worst in us all. It’s really a miracle I didn’t have my very own episode of Intervention after my grandmother called me hysterically last year saying the turkey was missing. The turkey was not in fact missing but apparently the mere hint that turkey was not present and accounted for sent Grandma into a tizzy. At that moment and this moment, I am not for random tizzy throwing . With the combination of mind altering substances used to numb the pain of family gatherings and family members who don’t know when to say when, it’s no wonder violent crime increases during the holidays.

Holiday Parties (Rave!)
I love holiday parties. They’re usually great break from relatives and a good place to get the libations which I’ll surely need after a full day of my grandmother’s antics. Another reason why holiday parties are great is because they’re elective. If you don’t want to attend just tell the host you can’t get away from your family or you have another event to attend. All in all anything that just requires me to look cute and show up always wins; not to mention holiday libations are always delicious. Candy Cane cocktail with sugar around the rim? Yes, I’ll take 2.

Facebook
Facebook gets really annoying around the holidays; especially New Year’s Eve. There’s always that person (or people depending on how selective you are) who claim they’re gonna murder everything in the New Year. Let’s have an honest moment. If you haven’t killed anything in your previous years on earth the New Year probably won’t be any different. Maybe these people would be able to make things happen if they concentrated on making things happen instead of writing about it.
Random/Rave
The Facebook photos of babies in their “My first Christmas” or “Mommy’s gift” onesies are adorable 99% of the time and don’t bother me one bit.

Finally, (random) am I the only one who says brief prayers for those people who don’t families to gather with on holidays but instead want to invite you to some random thing on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day? It’s like, Girl, I love you but I’m not getting myself written out of the family will because I’m trying to play Taboo with your lonely ass while my people are having dinner; let’s save all that for the after party.

Are you in a Holidaze? Let me know!

2011 Expiration

Posted in Culture, Random by

As the year comes to a close, I thought it appropriate to share a small list of things I hope do not join us in 2012.

BBW “inspired” earrings

When we first saw Jenn & Evelyn wearing them, they were kinda unique but enough is really enough. Now there are million girls doing how to videos on YouTube. The earrings have even made it to the tables on the streets of NYC. If you want to know when a trend stops being trendy, check the tables.

Mohawks
Need I say more?

Pantyhose as leggings

If whatever you’re wearing has a run in them, they’re not leggings. They are stockings and you should not be shocked by all the side-eyes you’re receiving. Actual leggings are sold everywhere from Forever 21 to H &M so let’s leave anything with a control top under a skirt or dress or in 2011 if you think they can be leggings.

Conservative Politician sex scandals
If we’ve learned anything this year in politics we’ve learned that as long as the media and Internet exist jump offs will find their way to the public. If you like to play “grab your ankles” with people of the same sex or someone other than your spouse you better get an angle other than family values.

Ray-Jesque Media Rants
Unless you’re Charlie Sheen or Paula Abdul getting on the air while you’re still leaning from last night is not a good look.

Knock-offs
We all know that as long as Canal Street exists there will be knock offs but can’t a girl hope? What’s the point of getting something that’s supposed to be something else? The feet and seams on that wanna be speedy are a dead give away. Either get a plain bag or save up for the real deal because the only people who will be fooled are people who don’t know the difference in the first place.

Fake Moral Superiority
You can file this along side the conservative sex scandals. We’re moving into 2012, we’ve seen that sometimes hoes actually win. Don’t believe me? Google ATL “housewife” Kim trapping, I mean marrying Kroy and Hoopz & Shaq’s alleged nuptials. We know everyone isn’t wholesome. Sometimes it takes being a stripper, gold digger, or mistress/jump off for people to “get on,” “come up” etc. Still don’t believe me? Google Calista Gingrich. What needs to stop is once someone gets on they start pretending they’ve been on the up & up all along. I could’ve jumped through my TV the other night when Kim tried to turn her nose up at Marlo for doing the same thing she did to get on. Clearly twerking for married men causes memory loss because she was acting like she forgot that she accepted more than one “engagement” ring from another woman’s husband. Take away: If ankle grabbing was your profession, own it and don’t knock co-twerkers after you retire.

2012 Apocalypse

If you don’t know by now, the Mayan calendar ends December 2012. How anyone can find an ounce of veracity in this story is beyond me. If the Mayans predicted so many things, how come we haven’t heard about them predicting their own demise? This story along with Mama Jones’s rap career, needs to go away and stay there.

What would you rather not see next year? Let me know!

Wrong is the new Right?

The perpetual entertainment that we get from the Republican debates makes me wish the election season wasn’t so close. Here are just a few of my thoughts on the Special Olympics contestants.

Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney
I was in college in Boston while he was the governor so I don’t have to ask from where did they get him. We have a fetish for making former governors President. It was all fun until we got that one from Texas; I digress. Mitt is a trip to say the least. Doesn’t it look like he’s an actor playing the role of someone running for Office? Everyday he says the opposite of what he said yesterday if he thinks it’ll help him get higher than 20% in the polls. Mitt’s like that girl in high school who’s with you today but against you tomorrow when she thinks she’s made 2 new friends and the reality is that no one really cares for her that much. I shouldn’t be so hard on Willard. After all, he did stop hiring “illegals.”

Crazy Uncle Ron Paul
Ron Paul, where do we begin? Ron Paul is that reclusive neighbor or relative you only see a few times a year because you’re still recovering from the last time you had family dinner. I love watching him on TV; a tiny man in an oversized crooked suit who wants to legalize everything and let people die all while telling you this with a straight face. I think Ron Paul needs a reality show, imagine what crazy things he says daily.

Rick Perry/Bush 2.0
Rick is the reason why no one messes with Texas. He seems to have taken that whole “live free” thing from New Hampshire too far. Every time he visits he gives a speech it makes me wonder why his staffers let him get on camera before he comes down from his high. Am I suggesting he’s using illegal drugs? No, I think he likes libations; a lot. His speeches show that he’s totally unqualified to be President but probably really fun at parties. Honestly I’d say that even if I didn’t believe it, I’m not trying to get dropped at Niggerhead. I had a couple other things I wanted to say about him but I can’t remember my other gripes. . .oops!

Michelle Blockhead, I mean Bachman
I like the Tea Party Princess because she’s a walking contradiction. Do you know anyone else who is against big government but is a former government employee, doesn’t like Medicaid but owns a business that gets paid through Medicaid, thinks ending slavery was great but forgot the Founders owned slaves? She’s another one who scares me. I don’t know if it’s her “crazy eyes” or the fact she said aloud vaccinations cause mental retardation. I just want to ask what causes her perpetual brain farts. Anytime you confuse John Wayne, the coolest guy to ever live with a serial killer, I have no use for you.

Cry Baby Santorum

Everyone knows you have to have a sense of humor to be President. Santorum called SNL and Dan Savage bullies after they made gay jokes about him. Personally, I think we all need to give a tip of the gay flag to Savage for figuring out how to get spreadingsantorum.com to the top of the search results every time. Other than Ricky being weird about gays and way too sensitive he’s pretty forgettable. Let’s move on.

Jon Worked for Obama which is why he’ll never win with the Retarded Right Huntsman

I like Huntsman too bad he committed right suicide by saying science is real and we can’t ignore it. Everyone knows that in order to win with the extreme right wing, you better say you got a degree from Hogwarts. I kid, we know they didn’t read Harry Potter (or anything else).

Newt serial marrying Gingrich

He’s another one who should do stand up comedy. Anyone who says that someone playing an undoctored tape of them is lying has to be joking. I also find it funny that the person who was pressing the homie Bill Clinton for getting brain then lying about it is married to his third wife. His third wife who was his mistress when he was married to his second wife. In a 3 degrees of Newt separation kinda thing, Newt cheated on his first wife with his second wife. Newt needs to listen to some hip hop music because he stays ‘cuffing his hoes. Actually, Newt could hang with the rappers, he has a gang of hoes, he made millions talking ish and he bought half a millie worth of jewelry from Tiffany’s. If that doesn’t say rapper, I don’t know what does.

Herman Came to Bring the Pain Cain

I’ll be happy when the primaries are over. I need Herman Cain to go away, far away. As if the Olive Oil commercials, ATL Housewives and BET didn’t make Black folks look bad enough Cain comes out reciting lines from Pokemon and the Simpsons. I just really want Cain to stop shuckin’ and jivin’ for these people. When you recite lines from a cartoon it’s no wonder why Ann Coulter thinks it’s okay to make the statement about you being one of “their Blacks.” Actually, with that kind of coonery, they can have you. I’m happy the Cain Train has been derailed and discontinued just like that ice cream flavor he likened himself to. Cain should also consider hanging with rappers because I’m sure they’d tell him that not switching up your hoes periodically is definition of slippin’.

Overall I’ve enjoyed this nomination madness because it’s given me something to watch on the couple days a week when ATL Housewives, the Braxtons and Love & Hip Hop aren’t on.

Who’s your favorite righty? Let me know!

Fake Friends

This topic is something I’ve wanted to write on for awhile but I procrastinate more than a teenage boy maturates. Recently I’ve had 2 experiences (that I know of) with fake something like friends. 1 was with a friend of a friend. The other was with a person who indeed had me confused. It’s okay because she’s now dead to me. You may be thinking “that’s a bit harsh.”  You’re right. If that’s too harsh for you just insert that line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 songs “If I never see [their] face[s] again, I don’t mind.” These people are as useful as a flashlight missing a bulb and batteries during a blackout.

I have a request. Can we put all these people on an island? Ok, maybe just for social things; nah, everything. I’m over 25 and I still have no use for these people. How do you ever have a real interaction with a fake person? I think I need a faketionary because there’s no way I can understand these beings otherwise.

I find these people funny in a sad way. How much is your life lacking that you have the time AND motivation to deal with someone who you don’t care for really? I have a hard enough time keeping up with the people I value. The thought of dealing with people I don’t like for whatever reason appeals to me as much as a root canal. I don’t blame either of these 2 sad souls for what they did, be clear. I blame myself for not recognizing that they weren’t shit in the first place.

If you all have any tips, thoughts or knowledge on this situation please comment because I have a strange feeling I may keep encountering these kind of people and I don’t want them to be confused because the “S” in my name is not for “sucka,” “slouch” or “soft.”

Let’s end with a line from one of my favorite rappers Fabolous…I’d rather a real enemy than a fake friend. Enemies will shoot you from the front but ‘friends’ will stab you in the back.

Classroom Don’ts

For those of you who know me, you know I’ve been in school for about 100 years. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or because school has gotten progressively more expensive. Following are just a few of my thoughts on things that should NOT be done in classrooms.

  • Don’t eat smelly food. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I understand that many times you’re running from class to class or class to work, etc but if you need to eat in class please pick something that is REASONABLE. It always amazes me how people think it’s appropriate to eat an egg sandwich, Philly cheese steak, fish, cabbage or whatever other smelly food they can dream up in a crowded classroom. I can’t even listen to what the professor is saying because I’m fantasizing about how much I want to snatch that cheese steak from your hand, onions and all and throw it and you out of the classroom for being so ridiculously inconsiderate.
  • Don’t sit front and center if you plan on being late regularly. You know yourself, if you give yourself 30 minutes to get to class and live at least 35 minutes away, middle of the front row 5 people in is NOT the place for you. Repeatedly showing up late while trying to inconspicuously slide into your seat is the weekday version of a walk of shame. Don’t let it be you.
  • Don’t take crowded classes if you don’t bathe regularly. What has the rest of the class done to you that you’re making them smell your ever accumulating funk? It’s unfair.
  • Don’t let your child sit in someone’s seat. I understand that you may want Boo Boo to see what you’re learning or daycare may be closed however, I don’t care how cute your child is, they didn’t pay for that seat, your classmate did. You may be thinking that’s a bit harsh, it is. You know what else is harsh, this tuition, keep Junior out of other people’s space.
  • Don’t skip class if you’ve been warned it’s your turn to speak, lead, present, etc. I’m all for taking a mental health day however taking that day when you’re on the hot seat is not the right behavior for this world. I was placed in this situation a few weeks ago. The other person who was supposed to be on call with me skipped class though we were told we would be called on. I was prepared so answering the professor’s questions wasn’t really a big deal. My issue with not showing up instead of just saying you plan to skip class is that appears to be kind of passive aggressive and I prefer regular aggressive.
  • Do keep your feet in your shoes. It’s bad enough I’ve attended school in 2 states where people wear flip flops for far too long, now people are removing their shoes. A couple weeks ago I saw someone in class remove her shoes then let them hang into the aisle. Besides the obvious rudeness, the polish on her toenails looked like someone had chewed it. When people do things like this it makes me wish we really could vote people off the “island.”
  • Do NOT watch porn or anything else objectionable. Well, I guess I mean don’t expect no one to realize you’re browsing such material during class. If you’re ok with people giving you the side eye because you’re watching anime porno, disregard this.

Did I miss anything? If so, let me know!

Forever Young?

Posted in Music, Random by


Now that MTV, BET and VH1 are mostly out of the music business it’s rare that I see any videos. Over the weekend I came across Beyonce’s video for “Party” on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown. Of course after 1 second Beyonce managed to astonish me. No, I don’t mean by letting her sister get in the video with those Janet Jackson in Poet Justice braids, but that kind of offended my eyes too. The first line I remember was “I may be young but I’m ready.” It made me think, at what age can you no longer call yourself young? Beyonce is 30.

Obviously since living beyond 80 is no longer uncommon, 30 is not old but is it still young? As I write this, I’m starting to think maybe I over think pop music. Maybe the problem isn’t that a 30 year old woman is calling herself young. Maybe the problem is me, a person who thinks lyrics should make some kind of sense. I am just as befuddled  now as I was when Mrs. Jay-Z made “single ladies.”  As usual, I digress.

Back to the original topic. I was always told that you want to take of yourself while you are young so that you won’t look like an old shoe as age. We know that we’ll always be relatively young since there never seems to be a shortage of old people. I’ve witnessed women say things like “I’m not old, I’m 37.” I think to myself, “you may not be ‘old’ but young has left you too.” That might be mean of me but I’m still a work in progress. Pray for me.

I still really need to know. Is calling yourself young the way to make sure you are always as young as you feel? Or, is calling yourself young after 30 a stretch?