Author Archives: Short Fuse

Occupy All Streets?

20111114-093051.jpg

Over the weekend I learned Rocawear is now selling “Occupy All Streets” shirts for $22 and there’s been no talk of any proceeds going to the Occupy Movement. Some people find this offensive and are saying less than flattering things about my Brooklyn Brethren, Jay-Z. I do not share those sentiments because I’m jaded to say the least. Let’s start with fact Jay-Z sold Rocawear in 2007 for over $200 million (fact courtesy of VH1’s Pop Up Video). If you were unaware, that 1 deal alone would make him part of the 1%. Add the money he made for those sneakers, 40/40, and all of  his #1 albums, then you can see why he remixed Weezy’s song talking about a “Billie a billionaire.” I digress. I spoke of Rocawear’s sale to say since Jay-Z is no longer an owner and isn’t really designer, he may not even know about these shirts.

You’re probably thinking “of course he knows,” and with that I would probably agree. Think of this like the time Beyonce did songs with Lady Gaga. Some people claimed Mrs. Carter didn’t need to collaborate with Gaga. The truth is, just like Bey did a video with lesbian undertones (I mean really, if that honey bun scene wasn’t gay, I don’t know what is) to stay relevant, it isn’t surprising that Jay-Z or arm of something of which he’s affiliated did the same thing to stay relevant with the most popular protest that did start in the street; arguably just like Jay-Z did.

I’m like you, and I like to think Jay-Z in addition to being from the ‘hood is for the ‘hood. In ’08 after paying $200 to see him at the Garden, Hov told me to vote for Obama and I did. I was going to vote for Obama anyway because I didn’t think McCain had the right life expectancy to have his finger on the button that we hear so much about. Jay-Z has given out toys in the projects on Christmas day. In addition to doing a concert to benefit The Firefighters, Hov also gave money to help victims of Hurricane Katrina.

No one can deny Jay-Z has done good things with his money and influence. Well, Newark might disagree since in true BK fashion, Jay-Z took the Nets. Again, I digress. My point is that while we like to think that Jay-Z is still for the 99% he’s part of the 1%. When someone has enough money to call themselves the Black Warren Buffet we shouldn’t put anything past them. After all, what we call money he pays more in taxes.

UPDATE

After writing the above post, I came across this image and knew I had to share. As the picture shows, Jay-Z is VERY familiar with the “all streets” version of the Occupy shirts. Does this change anything for me? No. As I told you originally, Jay-Z is part of the 1% and staying relevant is his bread and butter so I’m not surprised. The rich will always do things to get richer. Further, I think hijacking a movement for your own purposes takes nerve and anyone who knows me, knows I’m always impressed with people who exhibit that kind of self aggrandizement.

The NBA Lockout means NOTHING to me but NEEDS to END!

Posted in Culture, Random by

Let me begin by saying I have not given this lockout more than my minimum attention before writing this post. Honestly, I’m only giving it my minimum attention now. If you’re a sports buff and would like to enlighten me of facts that I am currently aware, feel free to comment. I probably still won’t care, but comment anyway. The main reason why I could not care less about this NBA lockout is because when the millionaires (players) are in a fight with the multi-millionaires and billionaires (owners), I as an arguably regular person cannot feel sorry for either side.

There are a few groups who have my sympathy. These are the small business owners and staff of the arenas. Many bars, restaurants, and parking garages have seen dramatic drops in business because the games have been cancelled. Am I the only one who’s disgusted that people who are already underpaid like arena security and wait-staff may be pushed to the brink of poverty because Big & Bigger Money can’t agree on how to split the billions they make?

Can we take a moment to talk about it’s rumored that the Lockout precipitated Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris never knew his name ‘til he started dating Kim Humphries? You may not be surprised by the divorce however, I for one was looking for the charade to go on for at least a year. Why? You ask. . .because I wanted Kim K and Lala to get some kind of Basketball Wife spin off. Everyone would have won. Shaunie O’Neal would’ve made more money without appearing on camera (her occasional paleness annoys me), Lala would have gotten to continue to talk about how she doesn’t want being married to Melo to derail her life (I mean “career”) on the D List and Kim would have been able to “prove” to everyone that her marriage was not a sham, she really was in love with K. Hump and we the viewers would have been able to figuratively frolic in the joy of watching all the events unfold. The lesson from this situation is: it’s all fun and games ‘til someone’s unemployed.

Sorry for that Kardashian rant, back to what I was typing about. . . the Lockout. When I first heard about the Lockout I was a bit surprised because I didn’t even know that the players were in a union but as a proud Lefty (read Liberal), I was happy they are unionized. After the Occupy Wall Street protests gained momentum, I again thought about the Lockout; briefly. I’m pretty sure we can all agree that the nation is facing bigger problems than not seeing Lebron dominate or Gloria’s baby father warm the bench. You may be thinking to yourself “but Triple17, sports make people happy. Sports are an American pass time.” To that I respond, please don’t reproduce. That would be like me, a reality TV junkie, getting more than fleetingly upset if the ATL Housewives, Basketball Wives, Bad Girls, Braxtons, Jersey Shore and Jerseyliscious cast members going on strike simultaneously. “No Snooki, no Nene, no Evelyn, no Tamar, no Malaysia this must be what the Mayans foresaw for 2012.” ß Not real life.

Moral: when we live in a nation where objectively ignorant people can be considered for President, our infrastructure is crumbling, China owns us, the kids are so poorly educated I wouldn’t even call them future baristas and good healthcare appears to be going out of style, we have bigger problems than insanely rich people arguing with offensively rich people. After all, would you complain if you only had to show up 82 days a year?

I Watched the Throne


The brief point when Yeezy took off the skants or dants I'm not sure what to call them

Monday night I saw Jay-Z and Kanye West at the Garden. Below is a little recap with some of my random thoughts that you love. . .

Celeb sightings:

  • Russell Simmons
  • Diddy
  • Fabolous

D List sightings:

  • Cheetah Girl Adrienne, used to date Rob Kardashian Bailon
  • Emily, baby mother to Fab, ‘star’ of Love & Hip Hop, B.
  • AJ used to host 106 & Park Calloway
  • Beyonce’s sister, Solange (with her son & boyfriend in tow)
  • Cassie used to be a model, tries to sing and is now Diddy’s toy

Dislikes:
The ticket said showtime was 7:30, please arrive 1 hour early. There was no opening act and no DJ to warm up the crowd. As you can imagine by 9PM when there was NOTHING going on except for applause when Diddy walked through with a big ass entourage, I was ready to hurt someone.
One thing I loved about seeing Jay-Z in the past was all the guest appearances usually whoever is in town like Swizz Beatz or Diddy. Last night there were no guest appearances. None, not one. The only person I didn’t want to see is Beyonce because I’m uninterested in her unless she planned to do single ladies in her leotard while showing the baby bump.

Attire
Both Jay and ‘Ye wore their customized shirts. Jay-Z wore his all black everything. If they are not in Illuminati, they’re definitely trying to make us think that they are. One of the shirts had the Goat of Mendes on it which is said to be an Illuminati symbol.

Leggings. . . Kanye saw Lil Wayne’s jeggings and raised him a leather wrap skirt or perhaps dress. Please tell a friend to tell a friend that this does NOT need to become a trend. When ‘Ye changed into a regular pair of pants then later put the leather legging wrap skirt concoction back on with some kinda Mayan Azetec 2012 looking jacket, shirt combo I almost died. Cross dressing cannot become a new trend. I still have not recovered from the LV coin purses that are now being rocked by men. I’m blaming that on Chris Brown. I digress. . .

We must unite against this!

Song Selection
I was pleased that they did all the Watch the Throne songs including my favorite “niggas in Paris” which they did like 3 and a half times. They each did some of their most popular songs. They both took it way back. . like College Drop Out, Reasonable Doubt way back which was amazing. You can tell who the real fans were. Everyone know 99 problems but who can tell who is who by who if you can finish the line from “I’m from the other side where other guys don’t walk too much. . .” or “I wear a G on my chest I don’t need. . . ”

Gossip
While Kim Porter has Diddy’s kids it appears, Cassie gets the good concert tickets. She was two steps behind him with her horse looking ponytailed Mohawk invention.
Solange is a Carol’s Daughter spokesperson. You’d think she would’ve used some Hair Milk on that nappy natural hair of her’s. Her son needs a haircut too. If she’s going to live in Brooklyn she needs to do as Brooklynites do. She should get his haircut and get those waves spinning, crazy hair on little Black kids is only ok in Gap commercials.
While Emily says in the Love & Hip Hop preview that she’s done with Fab, last night she was so close to him you would’ve thought she was his security. Oh I forgot, she’s his stylist. Interestingly enough, on Love & Hip Hop she claimed Cheetah girl and Chipped Tooth smashed. Yet, last night she was standing right behind Fab while he yucked it up with the Kardashian ex.

The Crowd
It appears that Jay and ‘Ye have priced out the Black and Brown masses. Good seats were $250. Prime seats were $300. There were so many guidos, guidettes, dude bros, and old folks in there I thought I was trapped in a retirement community staffed by Jersey Shore rejects. If you need an app to find the names of each song, you’re probably at the wrong concert ::I’m just sayin’::

My favorite: HGM (Hot Ghetto Mess)
Why is it that every time I attend a rap concert, I can’t leave without a contact high? I don’t know about y’all but at $250 a pop, I want to be perfectly sober so I don’t miss a thing.
Third Place HGM award: Girl with a tired weave who got drunk, spilled her drink, asked for another drink for free to replace the spilled drink then got upset when they refused. Anyway, drunk girl was wearing an Herve Lerger bandage wanna be dress with mesh cut outs. Midway through the show she stumbled out from her seat with her. . .wait for it . . .NIPPLE showing through one of the mesh cut outs. At first I thought my eyes were lying. They weren’t. The HGM was confirmed by other witnesses.

Second Place: Seat Sneakers

If you paid for the cheap seats, stay in your cheap seats. I didn’t pay my hard earned money for you and your synthetic Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice looking braids to block my view.

First Place: The Groupies
We know music and sporting events bring out the groupies in large numbers. However, if you’re trying to get chose by a real baller you should probably invest in better seats. I can promise you that no one anywhere near note worthy is seating in the 300 section at the Garden. If you paid under $100 for your ticket, just wear something sensible and comfortable. You’re going to need it for the endless escalators to get to your cheap seats.

A group of groupies were on their way out as I was leaving. Next thing you know, we see aforementioned groupies in their faux fur, half naked and turned over shoes jumping, yes jumping a guy in the middle of 7th avenue as the light was turning green. Of course they got swarmed by cops after trying to run them. Why can’t people leave the ‘hood in the ‘hood for just one night? I know why! They’re niggas in midtown. . .
Overall I had a great time however I don’t know if I’ll be buying anymore Jay-Z tickets in the near future. The new seats and wider rows at the Garden are great but no opener and waiting for 2 hours is more than I would like to endure on a Monday night.

The “Bad” Girls Club?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

Anything written on t-shirt is true, right?

The Bad Girls Club started its newest season in New Orleans. Besides missing girls from seasons past who were actually bad, the premiere got me thinking. . .where have all the real Bad Girls gone? Too often women have labeled themselves bad girls when they’re just bad at life. Let’s discuss some of the most common characters mislabeled as Bad Girls.
1. The Big Kid: We all know her, she never wants to grow up; think Peter Pan. She’s in her late 20’s still involved in the shenanigans better fit for someone 18-21. Obviously you don’t have to stay at home & knit once you turn 25 but you certainly should be handling your business. If you’re 25+ still spending every dime you have as if you’re waiting on allowance, the only thing bad about you is your ability to budget. Having no career, no focus, doing the same thing you did in high school and having no idea you’re not winning doesn’t make you a bad girl, it makes you a hot mess.
2. The Crazy Girl : Attempting to terrorize your man (or others) into submission is not cute. Really, have you ever heard someone say “stalking is sexy?” Destruction of property was only hot when Angela Bassett did it in Waiting to Exhale. If you think harassment, embarrassment, vandalism, assault, battery and any other forms of insanity are routinely appropriate, you’re not a bad girl, you’re a basket case. If you fit this description you should consider attending church and psychotherapy sessions regularly. You may also want to consider prepaying a lawyer because all that crazy only gets you 1 place. . .Rikers.
3. The Boogie Girl: We’ve all come across this person, she portrays herself as if she’s bad but once you confront her you can change her name to “cowardly lion” within seconds. I don’t understand these women, if you wanna blow smoke try Newports. In reality the Boogie Girls are just like the Boogie Man, the idea of them is kinda scary but in reality, they don’t even exist. Remember: The Boogie Girl is a bitch with no bite.
4. The Battery Girl: This is the girl who is only bad when someone else directs (inserts the battery) her to be that way. I’m sure you’ve encountered her, she walks and talks like a bad girl when she’s around other bad girls but have one conversation with her and you’ll find out that the only “bad” thing about her is her ability to think for herself. Remember: Real Bad Girls lead not follow.
5. The Badly Behaved Girl: See, Judi from this season’s BGC. Doing any random thing like kissing strangers or tossing someone’s prized possession doesn’t make you a bad girl; it makes you an idiot and no one should treat you like a real person until you stop acting like you were in the “special” class. Doing every slutty, spiteful, disgusting thing you can think of just means you’re slutty, spiteful and disgusting and deserve to be treated as such. If you were bad meaning good, I’m pretty sure you would not need nor want to act that way.
Let’s remember, once you become a woman, being a “bad girl” is a state of mind AND a lifestyle. It’s doing things for yourself for the right reasons. It’s approaching things hard and smart, choosing your battles, sometimes speaking softly but always carrying your “big stick.”

10 Things I Hate

Posted in Random by

10. Men in flip flops (or sandals). Call me old fashioned but I like my men wearing socks & shoes. If we’re not at the beach I don’t want to see a man’s feet.
9. The City bus. Do I really need to expand?
8. Stores with $10 debit/credit card minimums. Besides the practice being against card policies, it’s ridiculous. Now when I see those signs and I only have one $5 item I just put it back on the shelf. I won’t be bullied into buying extra things I don’t need because some manager wants to play chicken with the Visa machine.
7. People who don’t get or choose to ignore social ques. Have you ever done everything in your power without using words (that would be rude) to show your lack of interest in a topic or person but they just won’t stop? If a person is eating with one hand and texting with the other they probably aren’t interested in what you’re saying.
6. Over Sharing. This is a big one. Some people just don’t understand that every story is not suitable for every situation. This is an icebreaker, no one wants to hear about the 3some you had last week. Save that story for happy hour or “never have I ever.”
5. Emotional Terrorism. There will be a post dedicated to this topic. It’s unfair to subject others to your emotional whims. Having a bad day you want to ruin my mood. . .think again; I’m fighting the War on Emotional Terror.

4. Fast food workers with attitude problems. It isn’t my fault you work in Dunkin Donuts. Just make my Coolatta and I’ll be on my way. Confession: When a person in the ice cream shop gives me attitude I order a half gallon and make them scoop it by hand. I doubt it’ll actually teach them a lesson but it’s my own little retribution.

3. Gentrification. I’m all for revitalization but too many places are losing their character. Not only that, I’m tired of watching the news after the weekend shootings that are nearly certain to ensue and seeing the 3 oblivious White people transplants saying they can’t believe such a thing c0uld happen. Really, you can’t believe someone got shot at 3AM, in the summer, in Brooklyn right after a shady bar closed?
2. Public application of makeup. I don’t mean lip gloss but something about seeing a grown woman try to apply eye liner between train stops is more annoying than words can express. If your makeup routine is that serious, wake up 10 minutes earlier and spare the public.

1. Staunch social conservatism. I’ll dedicate a post to this too. It’s 2011 and this is America. New York just passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Why there’s still a “debate” on gay marriage is beyond me. If you are against gay marriage, birth control and premarital sex, marry someone  of the opposite sex who you didn’t smash before the wedding and don’t plan your parenthood; don’t try to take away all the good stuff from the rest of us.

The Kim K. Problem

Kim K. with number ___ love of her life

Last Sunday, you know I watched E! It was the season premiere of the K Team. There was a scene where Kim and Khloe got into an argument because Kim has now found the love of her life, the White basketball player who might be mute but Khloe had pictures of the 2 previous loves of Kim’s life (Reggie Bush & Miles Austin). It got me thinking, I know reality TV is usually only good for the opposite of thinking. Do any of your friends (most likely female) have the Kim K problem? I know a few of mine do. This problem has been around probably as long as humanity itself. I don’t know about you but being friends with someone who has the Kim K (every boyfriend is the love of my life) Problem is exhausting and amazing at the same time.
You might be wondering why I’m calling love a problem. It’s not actual love that’s the problem. It’s people like Kim K who think every touch of infatuation means someone is the love of their life. Watch a Kardashian marathon and you’ll see what I mean. How genuine is your love if 9 out of 10 people you’ve dated have been referred to by you as “the love of your life?” That’s almost as bad as calling every child gifted. So let’s add that to the list of untrue things that make no sense.
Earlier I said my friends with the Kim K Problem both exhaust and amaze me. They exhaust me because every time I hear from them the conversation is usually something along the lines of “Now I’m with X and I love him so much.” That statement is usually followed by a few unrelated, probably untrue medley of facts about why they make the perfect couple and will certainly live happily ever after. This where the exhaustion hits. I’ve had to train myself to be able to zone out, while keeping a straight face but absorbing enough of the fairy tale so I don’t have to be reminded of it the next time we speak. I can only wonder why these people don’t love me enough to spare me.
I’m no longer amazed enough to give these stories my full attention but the pieces that do make it into my head amaze me. How optimistic, insane, short sighted, etc. must a person be in order to be crazy in love with every person they date? By crazy in love I mean, FB picture posting, BBM icon changing, telling friends over & over. I’m amazed by these things. Are these people serious? Are they crazy? Are they trying to prove something? Maybe they’re taunting me on purpose because they know I’d choose to be tattooed by a blind 1 handed child over being retarded in love.
I have a possible cure to the Kim K Problem. If you or a friend tends to think every person is “the one” treat the situation like any other situation. Are every pair of shoes you buy the best pair ever? Is ever job you have your best job ever? Is each new friend you make better than all the friends you already have? The answer to these questions is surely no. So I say, let’s refrain from being overly effusive about these relationships that have a snowball’s chance in Hell. After all, if every person is the love of your life with whom you wanna have little love addicted babies, are they really that special? Also, do your friends (and me) a solid and spare them from all your love. I promise you, they’ll love you more for it.

P is for. . .

Posted in Random by

Let me start by saying never did I ever think I’d be e-begging but here we go. If you come across the letter P under the lid of Dannon Fruit on the Bottom Yogurt please comment on this post. No it isn’t for me. This is an attempt for me to score brownie points at work.

Child Worship

Posted in Culture, Random by


I’m no religious expert but I do remember hearing something about NOT worshiiing  false idols. With that said. . .let’s talk about the BIGGEST false idols of our day; children.

You can’t log on on to Facebook without seeing someone raving about their child; unwarranted. If you’re anything like me (I know you’re probably not) you think to yourself, “Did your 1000 Facebook Friends including me really need to wake up to ‘sooo happy BooBoo made peepee in the potty and she isn’t even 2 yet’ in their mini feed.” The older I get, the more unbearable child worship has become. Maybe it’s because I’ve met more children and realized that most of them aren’t objectively unique or maybe parental effusiveness is at an all time high. Either way, I’d like to offer my thoughts on the most common parental rants.

  • “BooBoo is gifted, exceptional, etc.” FACT: It is not statistically possible for every child to be gifted. If you don’t believe me please look up the word average. RANDOM: You might also want to look into the rest of the class’ capability before calling your child gifted. There will be times when you’ll pray for you child to be in a class full of stupid people, that time; law school. TAKE AWAY: BooBoo knowing not to eat paste does NOT mean he’s the next Ben Carson.
  • RANT: It annoys me to high heaven when parents of grown (18+) people brag about them being “smart” or “doing well.” By the time your child is old enough to vote you know whether or not they’re a productive member of society. I know it might be hard to admit it if they aren’t a productive member of society because poor parenting is probably a reason why BooBoo isn’t winning. Really, BooBoo’s doing well. . .he’s a 19 year old baby daddy who got kicked out of college and is now working part time at Ikea?! I guess it depends on how you define “well.”
  • “BooBoo is the prettiest baby in the world.” We’ve all seen this. . .someone gushing about how “perfect” their child looks only for you to see a picture and wonder if they accidentally uploaded a picture of a gremlin. FACT: There are some faces that only a mother could love. CONFESSION: If I think a friend of mine has been impregnated by an objectively unattractive man, I secretly pray the baby will get her looks; vice versa in the case of my male friends.
  • “BooBoo is so well behaved.” This is the one that offends me the most. When I see this I think to myself, “if BooBoo’s so well behaved why did s/he curse his pre-school teacher out and attempt to stab a classmate with a Crayon?” TAKE AWAY: Good behavior is easier to determine than intelligence. If your child’s been sent home for disruptive behavior in daycare s/he’s probably not well behaved. We’ll still love BooBoo but you might not want to hold your breath for student of the month.
  • “BooBoo is a soccer star.” The truth is one of the reasons why soccer has become so popular is because any normally functioning child can do it. I know nothing about sports but I’m sure that it’s less damaging for BooBoo to run up and down a grassy field for however long soccer games last than to strike out in baseball because striking out is something that can be measured. TAKE AWAY: Bend it like Posh’s husband was a movie. If your child hasn’t scored/blocked or whatever else they do in soccer all season, we should wait before calling him a star.

Final Point: Humans are biologically wired to love their children. Love your’s but please don’t subject your Facebook Friends, real friends or relatives to every gross and/or irrelevant detail. I love BooBoo too because s/he belongs to you but I’m busy. I just don’t have the time or motivation to read a 3 paragraph email about how BooBoo made it all the way across the monkey bars and is no longer wetting the bed.

Writing this, I realize there is parental worship is prevalent too. It’s not as damaging or widespread as child worship but I have some thoughts on that too. Stay tuned.

Hallowhoa

Posted in Culture, Random by

Halloween was this past weekend. I have some randomness as usual.

RAVE: I love baby costumes; pumpkins, animals, ballerinas, superheros, etc., they all look adorable on small children. Take away: If the child is under age 5, just about any costume is going to make every adult say “awww.”

RANDOM: I just have a couple questions about Halloween. . .

1. At what age are you too old to dress up? I saw a man dressed up as Balloon Boy (I think) and what was left of his hair was entirely gray; he also had a hearing aid. I don’t know how I feel about Grandpa dressing up for Halloween. What’s your pleasure?

2. How come more women’s costume don’t consist of pants?  Here on the East Coast, it could snow on Halloween so why is nearly every costume for an adult woman so skimpy? Fishnets & pumps+ Snow = Sexy

HAM (Hot Ass Mess)

RULE/RANT: Fit and flattering rules apply to Halloween costumes too. RANDOM: There are plus-sized costumes, you just may have to work a little harder to find them.

Dallas CheerHo

RULE: Racism is still racism on Halloween.

The picture above is of Dallas Cowboy cheerleader Whitney Isleib. She claimed she was dressed as Lil’ Wayne. In no surprise, most of the Texans that dared to come on camera said they didn’t see anything wrong with the “costume.” Guess they never heard about minstrel shows from the days of old. The really sad thing is that young girls want to be like this girl. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are strippers without poles, let’s do better.

Dear Whitney,

We know there’s no IQ test for being a cheerleader but you’d know why everyone is upset if you Googled “black face”. What are you going to be next year, the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan? Decent members of society ask that you never appear in pictures in anything other than your “uniform” or we’ll be forced to continue to blog the words “hoe please” when you do stupid things. Oh yea, we almost forgot, please don’t speak unless the executive wrote the words for you. We wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, thinking  is hard.

Your’s truly,

People who know better than you!

Too Much for TV

Don't be a follower

RANT

Lately, there have been a lot of people doing everything they’ve seen celebrities, models and actresses doing. Just because Rihanna makes her hair stand on end and everyone loves it, that doesn’t mean you can too. Also, just because something looks good on a runway, photo spread or music video, that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable in real life. I know Cassie shaved half head and the phototogs went crazy but NEWS FLASH: Cassie doesn’t work 9-5. No one wants to walk into a doctor’s office and see the receptionist with half of her head shaved. I know it was cute when Paris Hilton wore a tutu on the red carpet but the cuteness is lost if you’re wearing a tutu on the subway. I mean really, if you’re a 35-year-old man with a Mohawk, do you really expect anyone to take you seriously?

TAKE AWAY POINT: If something is too much for TV, it’s too much for real life.