I’m no religious expert but I do remember hearing something about NOT worshiiing  false idols. With that said. . .let’s talk about the BIGGEST false idols of our day; children.

You can’t log on on to Facebook without seeing someone raving about their child; unwarranted. If you’re anything like me (I know you’re probably not) you think to yourself, “Did your 1000 Facebook Friends including me really need to wake up to ‘sooo happy BooBoo made peepee in the potty and she isn’t even 2 yet’ in their mini feed.” The older I get, the more unbearable child worship has become. Maybe it’s because I’ve met more children and realized that most of them aren’t objectively unique or maybe parental effusiveness is at an all time high. Either way, I’d like to offer my thoughts on the most common parental rants.

• “BooBoo is gifted, exceptional, etc.” FACT: It is not statistically possible for every child to be gifted. If you don’t believe me please look up the word average. RANDOM: You might also want to look into the rest of the class’ capability before calling your child gifted. There will be times when you’ll pray for you child to be in a class full of stupid people, that time; law school. TAKE AWAY: BooBoo knowing not to eat paste does NOT mean he’s the next Ben Carson.
• RANT: It annoys me to high heaven when parents of grown (18+) people brag about them being “smart” or “doing well.” By the time your child is old enough to vote you know whether or not they’re a productive member of society. I know it might be hard to admit it if they aren’t a productive member of society because poor parenting is probably a reason why BooBoo isn’t winning. Really, BooBoo’s doing well. . .he’s a 19 year old baby daddy who got kicked out of college and is now working part time at Ikea?! I guess it depends on how you define “well.”
• “BooBoo is the prettiest baby in the world.” We’ve all seen this. . .someone gushing about how “perfect” their child looks only for you to see a picture and wonder if they accidentally uploaded a picture of a gremlin. FACT: There are some faces that only a mother could love. CONFESSION: If I think a friend of mine has been impregnated by an objectively unattractive man, I secretly pray the baby will get her looks; vice versa in the case of my male friends.
• “BooBoo is so well behaved.” This is the one that offends me the most. When I see this I think to myself, “if BooBoo’s so well behaved why did s/he curse his pre-school teacher out and attempt to stab a classmate with a Crayon?” TAKE AWAY: Good behavior is easier to determine than intelligence. If your child’s been sent home for disruptive behavior in daycare s/he’s probably not well behaved. We’ll still love BooBoo but you might not want to hold your breath for student of the month.
• “BooBoo is a soccer star.” The truth is one of the reasons why soccer has become so popular is because any normally functioning child can do it. I know nothing about sports but I’m sure that it’s less damaging for BooBoo to run up and down a grassy field for however long soccer games last than to strike out in baseball because striking out is something that can be measured. TAKE AWAY: Bend it like Posh’s husband was a movie. If your child hasn’t scored/blocked or whatever else they do in soccer all season, we should wait before calling him a star.

Final Point: Humans are biologically wired to love their children. Love your’s but please don’t subject your Facebook Friends, real friends or relatives to every gross and/or irrelevant detail. I love BooBoo too because s/he belongs to you but I’m busy. I just don’t have the time or motivation to read a 3 paragraph email about how BooBoo made it all the way across the monkey bars and is no longer wetting the bed.

Writing this, I realize there is parental worship is prevalent too. It’s not as damaging or widespread as child worship but I have some thoughts on that too. Stay tuned.