Category Archives: VH1

Love & Heart Attack Atlanta

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

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Okay Lovers it’s been awhile so let me say “how you doin’?” in my best Wendy Williams voice. As you may or may not know studying for the bar exam really ruins everything. It’s not like that beer commercial. Anyway, I digress. I’m writing now in hopes that this post will help lower my blood pressure which is through the roof thanks to that ghetto display we just witnessed on VH1. Let’s discuss 

  • Mimi & Stevie J. Mimi claims she has been with Stevie for 15 years but he was with Eve 12 years ago but hey I guess everything is all good when you’re in the music industry. Mimi is clearly an older read “mature” woman. I’m no mind reader but I’m pretty sure that if your man can’t get it right after 15 years, he doesn’t intend to get it right. 15 years is longer than most marriages, Mimi listen to your friend Ariane & do better. Stevie J, must be on the down slide. Did y’all see how the studio is in a gas station? 
  • Joseline. Joseline is the Somaya of this show except she makes me miss the real Somaya. Whoever is in charge of production should’ve gotten Joseline those accent reduction lessons that Julissa took on Empire Girls because I didn’t know that poor soul was saying. Side point: Why does she never wear pants but loves furs? She had on those Princess Jasmine sheer things when they met LA Reid’s son & in the club she claimed that pink bathmat was from Neiman’s. Maybe Stevie J should send her back to the strip club because life among regular people clearly isn’t for her. Between the Natalie Nunn chin, Rihanna wig and Katt Stacks accent in her mouth I was done with her from minute 1. 
  • Karline. Aren’t you a bit old to be trying to rap? Secondly how are you Trini giving us Jamaican rhymes? You know what? Mi dun know. . . 
  • Mama Dee. I really thought they wouldn’t be  able to top the crackish antics of Mama Jones but Lord, I was wrong. I knew Mama Dee was trouble when she said someone tried to f*** with “no grease.” Not lube; grease. That must be a country thing shawty. I think Mama Dee should be careful since I’m guessing she’s still on probation from the pimpin’ and dope dealing. Unlike Nicki Minaj, Mama Dee really beez in the trap.  
  • Erica. Erica appears to be Emily B Lite. I don’t understand how she says Diamond was an “affair.” Diamond was at their daughter’s birthday party. I thought it was only an affair when you’re married. But I guess she’s using Evelyn Lozada’s dictionary. I’m not knocking Diamond’s hustle, according to Mama Dee she got a new booty out the deal and upgraded to Soulja Boy. You know, someone with a couple hit singles. Maybe Erica should get Scrappy to buy her an ass so she can snag a man who actually wants to be with her. Her chances of becoming Mrs. Scrappy Merlot Jones don’t look too high. 
  • K. Michelle. I don’t know who this person is. Well, I don’t know who 99% of these people are. But what I do know is that her alleged attacker is none other than the step father of Baby Carter. . .Memphitz. What I do know is K. Michelle needs a lawyer, a therapist, and an accountant because if you can get your ass whooped and lose $2million you need new people. Side note: Where do I submit my resume for Memphitz’s old job? I want someone to leave me unattended with $2million. 
  • Rasheeda. I don’t know how I know Rasheeda other than the “bedrock” remix but she’ll be joining the cast soon. I want to know how you still rap when you’re a grandmother. My grandmother introduces herself as “Grandma” and bakes pies. Rasheeda remixed a song and told us she gets wetter than a lake. Don’t know what I mean? Check: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43dTGyi-Hm8 Lord only knows what her story line is. 

This show is too much for my blood pressure. Next week I’ll be half watching because my heart can’t take all the staged ghetto antics. VH1 has really outdone itself. Would you ever think a show would make us miss the Basketball Wives (east & west Coast) & the original Love & Hip Hop?

Did I miss anything? Let me know. You can always follow the randomness on Twitter @RantRaveRandom!  

Reality Double Check?

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by
As we discussed last week, law school is totally getting in the way of our reality TV QT. Here are my thoughts on this, “reality check.”
  • Dear Jim Jones, why were you sitting that way? Did y’all know Jim Jones was an invertebrate. . .I didn’t.
  • Emily. Emily, no one believes you weren’t indulging in the Coco Loso while y’all were living together. Where is Fab “claiming” Emily? Just because people know you’re the mother of Prince Joso now,  doesn’t mean he’s claiming you.
  • Kimbella. Can we admit that Kimbella isn’t pregnant? Wouldn’t she have been showing  during this fake ass reunion? After seeing Kimbella in action, I think we can all agree that Santana refusing to appear with her was a great idea. Kimbella wouldn’t know intelligence if it smacked her in those offensive ass roots.
  • Chrissy. Chrissy’s new haircut is working! Chrissy definitely read Yandy in that green screen interview. Is it weird that I kinda agree with Chrissy? Her big, jealous, fiery, smack a hoe personality is what had us tuning in every week and Yandy should admit that. Their dynamic is what made us want to know about Yandy Duck.
  • Yandy. Yandy clearly smashed Jimmy. She needs more people to convince me and the world otherwise. The interview was indoors. What was the purpose of that Yeti looking coat?  I’m done with Yandy, her “jury” line, her feelings and I’m especially done with her speech impediment. I’m sure she’s a nice person but I’m over her! Next.
  • Mama Jones. How come I keep picturing a box of fans that Mama Jones attempts to match to her mismatched outfits. Once your hotflashes are so frequent you have to carry a fan constantly, you can’t rap, Tweet or look for “naked” beaches. Stay tuned for Mama Jones on next season’s Celebrity Rehab. You read it here first.
  • Olivia. We already discussed the fact that Olivia’s weave has a bigger future than her music career. How does anyone make you look pathetic? We’ve seen far too much of Olivia holding herself back for me or anyone with more sense than Kimbella to have any sympathy. If there is a Season 3 I’m predicting that Olivia’s ass will be the first to get whooped since she tried to find her voice by saying Chrissy was wrong. Do you think Olivia is going to mess up this new record deal? If she does, she better take my advice and contact Tami Roman about that weave line.
  • Somaya. I kinda miss Somaya’s basic ass but there are only so many stories that you can tell about a giant West Coast, wanna-be musician with a short temper and even shorter vocabulary. What was her hair doing? Feel free to explain it to me. She needs to ask Olivia to put her on with the poppin’ hair game. Good for Ms. Mona for letting Somaya know her tequila and shoe line isn’t interesting. For someone who claims they aren’t mad about being written out, Sasquatch seemed mad to me.
  • Erica. Did Erica get those boobs on lay a way or something? I’m tired of hearing about them. How was the show edited to make her look bad? She was acting a whole entire fool. “If I let anybody down,” Bye Girl. Go apologize to your child for the fact s/he has been sent here with your dizzy ass as their mother. Ms. Mona is good. I wouldn’t coddle her. She did do things wrong. All the way wrong. They better not bring her back next season because the only thing more tired than her inflated tits is the fact she thinks anyone believes she’s anything near decent, good or legitimate.
  • Ms. Mona. After seeing this, it is clear Ms. Mona is the pimp and the whole cast is her gang of hoes. She must have been trained Shaunie O’Neal.

I kind of wanted them to bring Bratz Doll Tiarra Mari for a sit down. I’d love to know what she thinks about looking more thirsty and unemployed than Olivia. All in all, Ms. Mona needs to get better drafters for the show’s contracts. The reunion should have been a requirement. I don’t care who refused to sit with whom.

Will you be watching the ATL cast? We need more information on them.

Did I miss anything? Let me know. Till next time, Lovers!

Love & Hoe Hop Season Finale

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

School is totally blocking on my ability to watch my favorite reality shows in real time and chat about them with my Facebook friends. Below are the comments I would’ve written on Facebook, had I watched it with all your loveliness in real time. Comment, follow, share, “like” & most of all enjoy!

  • Kimbella. Am I the only one tired of her pretending she & Juelz have a regular relationship? How much can Juelz really give you from Rikers? Kimbella needs Dr. Drew because she doesn’t even know what right sounds like. Also can we get her some EFL; not to be confused with ESL. Kimbella needs “English as a First Language” if she doesn’t know the difference between flourish and flower. By hearing her speak I know good and well she can’t help that 9 year old with his homework.  I’m gonna need Kimbella to go with Emily to child support court and on the way stop at CVS and get some dye to touch up that ever present root situation. Can we get her a thesaurus app too? She didn’t know what “woman’s intuition” is. Feel free to explain to me how a man can be committed but not all the way. I thought being all the way in was the definition of commitment. But hey, this may be another misunderstandment.
  • Chrissy. Please don’t get chubby, you finally got the ring. That means you’re winning. Don’t slip now! Stay strong, resist Mama Jones’s crack infused biscuits. Chrissy, is Jimmy loyal to a wedding date?
  • Olivia. I want Olivia to win so it’s hard for me to say anything bad about her. What I can say is, that if the singing thing doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t; she should start a weave line. Her hair is always laid like she wants to be on the A List. Who does she think she is? She’s worth more than $1.5 million, really? Stay tuned because next season she’s gonna be back at home getting notes slipped under her door. I cannot understand that Pretty Girl blouse she was wearing in the confessional either. Feel free to explain.
  • Yandy. If there is a season 3 with Yandy, I’m gonna need VH1, Mona or whoever else has the power, to get her some speech therapy. I cannot take anyone with a Donald Duck accent seriously. Once she gets that together, I might consider looking into her “jury” line. I’m just kidding, we know those stones ain’t real. Let’s move on.
  • Mama Jones. Can we have a new rule that once you’re a Grandma you cannot start a rap career? Who’s doing the thinking at Club Shadow? Why would they book her? She must have Frankie’s manager. If she gets a spin off I’m killing myself. Did y’all peep how the dolphin was the only one who understood Mama Jones at the dolphin cove? My head almost exploded when she said was going to look for the “naked” beach. After seeing her boyish frame in that massage towel, I really hope for the sake of everything that’s good and holy Mama Jones did not expose further herself.
  • Ms. Mona. I’d love for Ms. Mona to get a spin off where she reads each and every outta focus bitch for an entire episode.
  • Emily. My good girlfriends from the Skorpion Show said it best. If Jay-Z can claim Beyonce, Fabolous could claim Emily if he wanted to. We just saw him plastered across the blogs with Adrienne used to be in 3LW Baillon for the reopening for 40/40. Emily, get a child support order and move on. The chances of Loso being faithful are about as high as Kimbella becoming valedictorian.  P.S. Em, watch out for Winter. She’s definitely sampled the Coco Loso. 
Thankfully Bratz Doll, Teairra Mari was nowhere to be seen. I have an idea, T. Mari should start a beef with FunkFlex so she can get some airtime.  They better not bring her back next season. One out of work singer (Olivia) is more than enough.
I hate to type this but Somaya is actually the winner this season. She got a man to invest $500K in her joke of a music career. That situation let me know that I’m doing something wrong because half of that would get Sallie Mae up off my back and leave me with some change. Somaya, girl put me on!
Did I miss anything? Lemme know!