Monthly Archives: January 2012

Love & Hoe Hop Season Finale

Posted in Reality TV, VH1 by

School is totally blocking on my ability to watch my favorite reality shows in real time and chat about them with my Facebook friends. Below are the comments I would’ve written on Facebook, had I watched it with all your loveliness in real time. Comment, follow, share, “like” & most of all enjoy!

  • Kimbella. Am I the only one tired of her pretending she & Juelz have a regular relationship? How much can Juelz really give you from Rikers? Kimbella needs Dr. Drew because she doesn’t even know what right sounds like. Also can we get her some EFL; not to be confused with ESL. Kimbella needs “English as a First Language” if she doesn’t know the difference between flourish and flower. By hearing her speak I know good and well she can’t help that 9 year old with his homework.  I’m gonna need Kimbella to go with Emily to child support court and on the way stop at CVS and get some dye to touch up that ever present root situation. Can we get her a thesaurus app too? She didn’t know what “woman’s intuition” is. Feel free to explain to me how a man can be committed but not all the way. I thought being all the way in was the definition of commitment. But hey, this may be another misunderstandment.
  • Chrissy. Please don’t get chubby, you finally got the ring. That means you’re winning. Don’t slip now! Stay strong, resist Mama Jones’s crack infused biscuits. Chrissy, is Jimmy loyal to a wedding date?
  • Olivia. I want Olivia to win so it’s hard for me to say anything bad about her. What I can say is, that if the singing thing doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t; she should start a weave line. Her hair is always laid like she wants to be on the A List. Who does she think she is? She’s worth more than $1.5 million, really? Stay tuned because next season she’s gonna be back at home getting notes slipped under her door. I cannot understand that Pretty Girl blouse she was wearing in the confessional either. Feel free to explain.
  • Yandy. If there is a season 3 with Yandy, I’m gonna need VH1, Mona or whoever else has the power, to get her some speech therapy. I cannot take anyone with a Donald Duck accent seriously. Once she gets that together, I might consider looking into her “jury” line. I’m just kidding, we know those stones ain’t real. Let’s move on.
  • Mama Jones. Can we have a new rule that once you’re a Grandma you cannot start a rap career? Who’s doing the thinking at Club Shadow? Why would they book her? She must have Frankie’s manager. If she gets a spin off I’m killing myself. Did y’all peep how the dolphin was the only one who understood Mama Jones at the dolphin cove? My head almost exploded when she said was going to look for the “naked” beach. After seeing her boyish frame in that massage towel, I really hope for the sake of everything that’s good and holy Mama Jones did not expose further herself.
  • Ms. Mona. I’d love for Ms. Mona to get a spin off where she reads each and every outta focus bitch for an entire episode.
  • Emily. My good girlfriends from the Skorpion Show said it best. If Jay-Z can claim Beyonce, Fabolous could claim Emily if he wanted to. We just saw him plastered across the blogs with Adrienne used to be in 3LW Baillon for the reopening for 40/40. Emily, get a child support order and move on. The chances of Loso being faithful are about as high as Kimbella becoming valedictorian.  P.S. Em, watch out for Winter. She’s definitely sampled the Coco Loso. 
Thankfully Bratz Doll, Teairra Mari was nowhere to be seen. I have an idea, T. Mari should start a beef with FunkFlex so she can get some airtime.  They better not bring her back next season. One out of work singer (Olivia) is more than enough.
I hate to type this but Somaya is actually the winner this season. She got a man to invest $500K in her joke of a music career. That situation let me know that I’m doing something wrong because half of that would get Sallie Mae up off my back and leave me with some change. Somaya, girl put me on!
Did I miss anything? Lemme know!

Hood Tales

Posted in Culture, Random by

NYC (specifically Brooklyn) gives me so much entertainment I thought it’s only right I share few tales with you.

Metropolitan Bound M Train Myrtle Ave
Guy calls his Baby Mama’s new man. Baby Mama has moved on; Guy has not. The following rant ensued: “Stay there. I’m over there right now to ***k you up. You ain’t got nothing to say? Are you still there or did you hang up like a p*$$¥?” Take away: If you know your Baby Daddy is unstable you should probably keep your new relationship a secret unless your new man is more crazy.

Bushwick/Bed Stuy Border
Girl with newborn baby strapped to her and at least 1 other child tells Guy who never leaves the block about another girl who she’s quote “looking for.” “I told her as soon as I see her I’m gonna run up on her. I can’t have nobody sneaking me. I got kids to worry about.” Now do you agree that people should be licensed before they’re allowed to reproduce? If you see nothing wrong with this scene 2 things: 1. I dunno how you found my blog because it certainly isn’t intended for your kind and 2. Rule: Once you become a parent, the only fighting you should be doing is to protect your offspring.

Bushwick Ave.

Boy: Your dirty pu$$y, talking about you got a yeast infection Girl: Get the ***k outta my face with your uncircumcised *i**. Boy: That’s okay, you was still sucking it! Take away: Arguing about whose genitals are worse makes you both look filthy. Just be thankful someone got intimate with your nasty junk in the first place.

J Train Myrtle Ave.

Puerto Rican dude wearing Dickies on the phone. “Why should we split the stacks? Those are your boys. I can just rob them. I’ll pop ’em the foot. They’ll live. You down? I’ll make it look real. I’ll just graze you in the hand.” Rule: If you think it’s appropriate to discuss an armed robbery over the phone on a crowded train, just keep a commissary fund handy because you’re going to jail.

There are more tales to come. Have you ever witnessed such hot ghettomess? Let me know!

The Day I Learned

Posted in Random by

Saturday, a student at my job had to bring in a robot baby as part of her school’s “don’t end up 16 & pregnant” initiative. She had to leave class during a quiz because Robo Baby started crying. The cry is a recording of an actual baby, by the way. I had no choice but to try to help. I wanted to help not because she had been up all night and the look of desperation on her face but because Robo Baby was extra loud and I am not for high school health projects giving me headaches.

Not wanting her to miss too much class time I offered to “babysit” Robo Baby. In addition to crying when it’s hungry, needs a diaper change or just wants to be held; Robo Baby has the nerve to be the weight of a real baby. After spending approximately half hour with Robo Baby, I realized that Robo Baby is effective not only for deterring teen pregnancy; it worked to deter me too. The level of frustration and helplessness I felt while trying to keep Robo Baby quiet is almost too much to put into words.

All I know is that if Robo Baby is anything like a real baby, I learned I am currently NOT for motherhood or anything resembling it.

Other People’s Money

Santorum's sweater vest

As if thinking sweater vests were still okay wasn’t bad enough, Rick Santorum recently received 10,000 side eyes for his comment on Fox News about not wanting to make Black peoples’ lives better by giving them someone else’s money. If you didn’t see the footage, watch it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/rick-santorum-entitlements-black-people_n_1181212.html. After seeing this, I began to think. Is Santorum against giving away other people’s money in all cases? Let’s explore.

Gifts 

Did you get a nice crisp bill or check from Grandma for Christmas? If you’re one of my Black readers you may want to return it. According to Ricky Sandstorm; I mean Santorum, having other people’s money isn’t the way to feel good about yourself. Tell Grandma you still love her but you want to be self-reliant and taking gifts from her doesn’t fit with that.

Inheritance

If you don’t think taking other people’s money after they die makes people feel good Google “Paris Hilton.” Since inheritance is one of the main ways wealthy people become and remain wealthy I’m guessing Anti-Santa, I mean Santorum, is okay with it. But, if we go on his same logic about making people feel good with other people’s money, Santorum should be fighting for a 100% inheritance tax. After all we wouldn’t someone who inherited money becoming famous because the only thing of note they’ve ever done is call Lindsay Lohan a “fire crotch.” Wait, that already happened? Never mind. If you don’t remember Google “Brandon Davis.”

Life Insurance

Life insurance is other people’s money. A lot of other people. Like welfare the money came from people the beneficiary doesn’t even know. Lost a spouse, parent or anyone else who would name you beneficiary? Get ready to work through  grief at work because I’m guessing Santorum wouldn’t want you having the comfort of feeling good about yourself because “someone else” paid money during their lives intended to benefit you once they died.

Brown, White, Yellow & Red

Santorum said didn’t want Blacks feeling good about themselves because of welfare. Well, what about all the Asians, Native Americans, Latinos, and, hold your breath, Whites getting welfare too? Are they special because they’re not Black or are they just Welfare Princesses and the example has to be made of only the Welfare Queens?

As if you couldn’t tell by now none of this makes any logical sense. I’d Rick to first think about the loyalty of whoever told him sweater vests are still acceptable in 2012. Then he can move on to the really hard things; like talking without sounding like an old school bigot. If we learned nothing else from Herman Brought the Pain Cain and Clarence Thomas we learned that in this day an age, racism has to be high tech. Or maybe Santorum got his racism from the same era when sweater vests were in style. Either way, I’ve had more than enough of him and his ancient ideas.

HoliDaze

Posted in Culture, Random by

I’m glad that you all have survived the holidays. I don’t know about you but I am kind of glad the Holiday Season is over and everyone is still in one piece. Below are just a few of my random thoughts about the holidays. As you read please keep in mind that I always wish I will be normal in my next life.

Timing
I think they group the major holidays together because a lot of people need nearly 12 full months to recover. Imagine if Christmas was really on Jesus’s birthday which some claim is in September and we left Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve in place. I don’t know about you but that’s way too spread out which means there’s a greater chance of bad things happening. When I say “bad things” I mean bad family related things which brings us to the next and most stressful topic.

Family

Few things turn normally sane and rational people into irrational borderline homicidal maniacs than the Holidays. Whether it’s the logistics of which dinner is going to be at whose house or which trifling, always empty handed, annoying, lazy, etc. [insert whichever adjective applies to your people here] relative is going to show up, the holidays can bring out the best and worst in us all. It’s really a miracle I didn’t have my very own episode of Intervention after my grandmother called me hysterically last year saying the turkey was missing. The turkey was not in fact missing but apparently the mere hint that turkey was not present and accounted for sent Grandma into a tizzy. At that moment and this moment, I am not for random tizzy throwing . With the combination of mind altering substances used to numb the pain of family gatherings and family members who don’t know when to say when, it’s no wonder violent crime increases during the holidays.

Holiday Parties (Rave!)
I love holiday parties. They’re usually great break from relatives and a good place to get the libations which I’ll surely need after a full day of my grandmother’s antics. Another reason why holiday parties are great is because they’re elective. If you don’t want to attend just tell the host you can’t get away from your family or you have another event to attend. All in all anything that just requires me to look cute and show up always wins; not to mention holiday libations are always delicious. Candy Cane cocktail with sugar around the rim? Yes, I’ll take 2.

Facebook
Facebook gets really annoying around the holidays; especially New Year’s Eve. There’s always that person (or people depending on how selective you are) who claim they’re gonna murder everything in the New Year. Let’s have an honest moment. If you haven’t killed anything in your previous years on earth the New Year probably won’t be any different. Maybe these people would be able to make things happen if they concentrated on making things happen instead of writing about it.
Random/Rave
The Facebook photos of babies in their “My first Christmas” or “Mommy’s gift” onesies are adorable 99% of the time and don’t bother me one bit.

Finally, (random) am I the only one who says brief prayers for those people who don’t families to gather with on holidays but instead want to invite you to some random thing on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day? It’s like, Girl, I love you but I’m not getting myself written out of the family will because I’m trying to play Taboo with your lonely ass while my people are having dinner; let’s save all that for the after party.

Are you in a Holidaze? Let me know!