Love & Holy Sh**

From Youtube

 Hey Lovers, 

I was unable to watch Love & Hip Hop with you last night because I was the Barclays Center trying to get Chris Paul’s attention at the Nets game. Sadly, I didn’t get Chris Paul’s attention but the Nets did win the game in the last 2 minutes. Obviously it’s because I was there. Let me stop playing. I knew you would want to hear my thoughts on Love & Hip Hop posthaste so I did watch after I got home. Let’s discuss. 

Let me begin by saying, this episode completely exhausted me. I had so many questions and thoughts it was hard to make it through the entire episode. I only watched for you; because I love you.

I was a fan of DJ Kay Slay aka Smack Your Favorite DJ because he was the first DJ I heard play Papoose, but I need for him to never again appear on my TV. He’s in his 50’s wearing a Dapper Dan outfit in 2015. I could not deal. He reminds me of the ghetto uncle who buys the liquor and Dutch Masters for underage parties because in his mind he’s still cool.

Rich is still serving Light Skin Creep like no other. Did you gag when you heard his d*ck pics are somewhere online? I did. Is there no ghetto-booty THOT who doesn’t have a chance with Rich? Every one we’ve seen is worse than the last. While we’re on the topic, if any of you know him personally, please tell him he’s too old for that denim jacket. He was in that pool hall looking like he robbed a Jimmy Jazz mannequin.

Jhonni Blaze drained the little remaining energy I had. Where do I even begin? Her edges are on slimquick. I felt like I’d seen her before so I went and checked with my old friend Google. According to the Internet, Jhonni Blaze is a stripper (no surprise) from Houston. Her real name is Jzapal Jackson. I’m not making that up; I promise. She’s rumored to have had sex with Drake (also no surprise). There are “rumors” that there is a sex tape of her which is still not a surprise. Remember when she said she was in jail? Apparently she was in jail as a result of her connection with her boyfriend’s murder, answering the question that there really is nothing that can keep you off of a Mona Scott-Young production. I was almost willing to give Ms. Blaze a chance, then I saw her rocking that nail salon eyelash job. If you’re reading this and you get your lashes done at a nail salon; stop. Stop now. Let’s move on because I’m getting aggravated thinking about this.

Can you please leave a comment explaining Diamond Strawberry to me? I’m serious. I don’t understand anything about her. She’s shaped like a chicken wing and appears to have a similar IQ but carries herself as if she’s desirable to anyone with sense. She said her new Boo’s name is R-O-C. When he opened his mouth and showed those thumb-sucker teeth I wanted to D-I-E. On the bright side, even though she was foolish enough to wear her hair in pigtails, she had a really good weave installation because everything looked really flat. 

FUN FACT: If you recognized Uncle Murda it’s because he’s in all those Pawn Rite commercials. Pawn Rite pawns everything including, Jordans and Yeezys. It’s sad that I know that. I digress.

I’ve decided that I’m rooting for Amina. Her whole plight is very Special Olympics and that just pulls on my one remaining heart-string. Given what we saw with the Atlanta cast we know drug tests aren’t required; Amina shows us that IQ tests aren’t either. Poor slow thing. This whole “feud” between Tara & Amina is beyond tired and I’m beyond tired of both of them. Both of them started as side chicks. Now they’re trying to stake their claim as Main Chick to a man we might as well call Tommy because he ain’t got no job. I think Tara and Amina need to take the coins from this show and rent a house. At this point it makes no sense for them to live separately with Peter going back and forth. They could live together and save money. They could even get a spin off called “Ghetto Sister Wives.” 

Yandy really burned my biscuit. From what I can tell, she’s the only cast member with a college degree. You’d think that would make her better; nope. When she asked if Amina was thinking when she “took” Peter away from his 2 kids you could’ve knocked me over with a cotton ball. First of all, Tara started messing with Peter when he was living with his previous Baby Mama. I wonder if he had a job back then. Whoever hosts the reunion needs to play “Flawless” for Yandy because her comment played directly into the notion that “we teach girls to see each other as competitors. . .for the attention of men.” I want all the Black men with sense, Obama, Will Smith, Denzel, the husbands from Married to Medicine and anybody else to come out against this tired narrative. A Side Chick cannot “break up a family.” A man who leaves his wife or Baby Mama for a Side Chick breaks up his family. We’ll discuss this topic in more depth when I review Sex at Dawn

As if this episode could not get any lower in the gutter we were introduced to the muvahs of Mendeecees and Samantha. I wasn’t feeling Ms. Judy out the gate because she reminds me of one of those women who complains really loudly about the prices in the beauty supply store. I just want to buy my Edge Control in peace, not hear some poor child’s grandmother yell about the price of a synthetic wig.

Ms. Judy had me thinking that things couldn’t get worse but then we met Mr. Kim, the mother of Samantha. Upon seeing the preview I thought Kim was Samantha’s butch, gay God Mother who she brought for muscle, just in case. I had no idea that Kim was her mom. Kim reminds me of one of the security guards at Sin City who they hire because they need someone with the build of a man but don’t want to get in trouble when they have to pat down women.

I did not think Samantha was wrong for asking Ms. Judy her age. If a person’s grandmother puts “stop frontin'” or any similar variation in a sentence I’d want to know their age too. Ms. Judy reminds me of D’s mom from the Wire, like being a grandmother doesn’t stop her from committing crime. No one’s grandmother should be about that life. Call me old fashioned but I like grandmothers who cook meals that your mom can’t and drop knowledge on you like “one monkey don’t stop no show.” Judy threw that drink like her last fight was about a week ago. Now I see how Mercantile ended up in a life of crime, his mama doesn’t even know right from wrong. The lesson in that scene was, if you meet someone who has a mom like that, run quickly. Do not reproduce with someone who has a raggedy mother. 

Every scene in this episode had me saying “Fix It Jesus.” I hope the Lord heard me because I don’t know how much more I can take. 

Side note: I found the best thing as I was looking for a picture. Check out the 6 best gifs from last night’s episode. 

Did you watch Love & Hip Hop last night? Comment below and let me know!  

7 thoughts on “Love & Holy Sh**

  1. This made my week! Especially since I know those grandmothers, the strip club female bouncer, and the dude who robbed the Jimmy Jazz manequin.. maybe they are family.. but thats neither here nor there..

  2. Oh how you give me life. Last night episode was very painful. I couldn’t take it but still I watched. Diamond what can I say, where did they find her. She sounds so rehearsed and fake its ridiculous. What kind of mother leaves their kid and flies across country for a man that doesnt even claim her and now that their “over” she is still in NY. The only plus was that she told this guy that she had a kid and it wasn’t the dog this time. Tara sickens me with her crap. How do u ask Amina or tell her rather that Peter has a a family but yet she chose to proceed. Im not defending Amina or condoning the crap but lets be real he married Amina I mean you kind of wanna believe that when a man married u as oppose to his other woman u might of reason to think “you won” or hes yours. So excuse her for blaze I felt like you like where did I see this girl before…I didnt think to google though. As for rich *yawns* like please stop this precious pink Paris character that wants a record l like stop…as for mr. Kim I thought that was her girlfriend I almost died when she said that was her mom and her voice lord jesus fix it….and one more thing did u hear when Yandy said she wanted five kids so she just gonna keep having kids every time she has a conjical visit cuz I have a feeling he getting locked up…..anyhoo I love u shanique

  3. CRYING at your commentary!!! Note to never say “stop fronting” but in all seriousness – that sit down Mafia style dinner and Milk River was COMEDY. I still don’t believe Mr. Kim was related to anyone at that table. I had to hit pause rewind to see her connection I thought she was security standing in…

    BTW Jhonni Blazes edges are “unhealthy” but the lower extremities are beyond “southern thick” I felt awkward watching the astro turf roof photoshoot… I felt she needed a robe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s