Monthly Archives: December 2011

2011 Expiration

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As the year comes to a close, I thought it appropriate to share a small list of things I hope do not join us in 2012.

BBW “inspired” earrings

When we first saw Jenn & Evelyn wearing them, they were kinda unique but enough is really enough. Now there are million girls doing how to videos on YouTube. The earrings have even made it to the tables on the streets of NYC. If you want to know when a trend stops being trendy, check the tables.

Mohawks
Need I say more?

Pantyhose as leggings

If whatever you’re wearing has a run in them, they’re not leggings. They are stockings and you should not be shocked by all the side-eyes you’re receiving. Actual leggings are sold everywhere from Forever 21 to H &M so let’s leave anything with a control top under a skirt or dress or in 2011 if you think they can be leggings.

Conservative Politician sex scandals
If we’ve learned anything this year in politics we’ve learned that as long as the media and Internet exist jump offs will find their way to the public. If you like to play “grab your ankles” with people of the same sex or someone other than your spouse you better get an angle other than family values.

Ray-Jesque Media Rants
Unless you’re Charlie Sheen or Paula Abdul getting on the air while you’re still leaning from last night is not a good look.

Knock-offs
We all know that as long as Canal Street exists there will be knock offs but can’t a girl hope? What’s the point of getting something that’s supposed to be something else? The feet and seams on that wanna be speedy are a dead give away. Either get a plain bag or save up for the real deal because the only people who will be fooled are people who don’t know the difference in the first place.

Fake Moral Superiority
You can file this along side the conservative sex scandals. We’re moving into 2012, we’ve seen that sometimes hoes actually win. Don’t believe me? Google ATL “housewife” Kim trapping, I mean marrying Kroy and Hoopz & Shaq’s alleged nuptials. We know everyone isn’t wholesome. Sometimes it takes being a stripper, gold digger, or mistress/jump off for people to “get on,” “come up” etc. Still don’t believe me? Google Calista Gingrich. What needs to stop is once someone gets on they start pretending they’ve been on the up & up all along. I could’ve jumped through my TV the other night when Kim tried to turn her nose up at Marlo for doing the same thing she did to get on. Clearly twerking for married men causes memory loss because she was acting like she forgot that she accepted more than one “engagement” ring from another woman’s husband. Take away: If ankle grabbing was your profession, own it and don’t knock co-twerkers after you retire.

2012 Apocalypse

If you don’t know by now, the Mayan calendar ends December 2012. How anyone can find an ounce of veracity in this story is beyond me. If the Mayans predicted so many things, how come we haven’t heard about them predicting their own demise? This story along with Mama Jones’s rap career, needs to go away and stay there.

What would you rather not see next year? Let me know!

Wrong is the new Right?

The perpetual entertainment that we get from the Republican debates makes me wish the election season wasn’t so close. Here are just a few of my thoughts on the Special Olympics contestants.

Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney
I was in college in Boston while he was the governor so I don’t have to ask from where did they get him. We have a fetish for making former governors President. It was all fun until we got that one from Texas; I digress. Mitt is a trip to say the least. Doesn’t it look like he’s an actor playing the role of someone running for Office? Everyday he says the opposite of what he said yesterday if he thinks it’ll help him get higher than 20% in the polls. Mitt’s like that girl in high school who’s with you today but against you tomorrow when she thinks she’s made 2 new friends and the reality is that no one really cares for her that much. I shouldn’t be so hard on Willard. After all, he did stop hiring “illegals.”

Crazy Uncle Ron Paul
Ron Paul, where do we begin? Ron Paul is that reclusive neighbor or relative you only see a few times a year because you’re still recovering from the last time you had family dinner. I love watching him on TV; a tiny man in an oversized crooked suit who wants to legalize everything and let people die all while telling you this with a straight face. I think Ron Paul needs a reality show, imagine what crazy things he says daily.

Rick Perry/Bush 2.0
Rick is the reason why no one messes with Texas. He seems to have taken that whole “live free” thing from New Hampshire too far. Every time he visits he gives a speech it makes me wonder why his staffers let him get on camera before he comes down from his high. Am I suggesting he’s using illegal drugs? No, I think he likes libations; a lot. His speeches show that he’s totally unqualified to be President but probably really fun at parties. Honestly I’d say that even if I didn’t believe it, I’m not trying to get dropped at Niggerhead. I had a couple other things I wanted to say about him but I can’t remember my other gripes. . .oops!

Michelle Blockhead, I mean Bachman
I like the Tea Party Princess because she’s a walking contradiction. Do you know anyone else who is against big government but is a former government employee, doesn’t like Medicaid but owns a business that gets paid through Medicaid, thinks ending slavery was great but forgot the Founders owned slaves? She’s another one who scares me. I don’t know if it’s her “crazy eyes” or the fact she said aloud vaccinations cause mental retardation. I just want to ask what causes her perpetual brain farts. Anytime you confuse John Wayne, the coolest guy to ever live with a serial killer, I have no use for you.

Cry Baby Santorum

Everyone knows you have to have a sense of humor to be President. Santorum called SNL and Dan Savage bullies after they made gay jokes about him. Personally, I think we all need to give a tip of the gay flag to Savage for figuring out how to get spreadingsantorum.com to the top of the search results every time. Other than Ricky being weird about gays and way too sensitive he’s pretty forgettable. Let’s move on.

Jon Worked for Obama which is why he’ll never win with the Retarded Right Huntsman

I like Huntsman too bad he committed right suicide by saying science is real and we can’t ignore it. Everyone knows that in order to win with the extreme right wing, you better say you got a degree from Hogwarts. I kid, we know they didn’t read Harry Potter (or anything else).

Newt serial marrying Gingrich

He’s another one who should do stand up comedy. Anyone who says that someone playing an undoctored tape of them is lying has to be joking. I also find it funny that the person who was pressing the homie Bill Clinton for getting brain then lying about it is married to his third wife. His third wife who was his mistress when he was married to his second wife. In a 3 degrees of Newt separation kinda thing, Newt cheated on his first wife with his second wife. Newt needs to listen to some hip hop music because he stays ‘cuffing his hoes. Actually, Newt could hang with the rappers, he has a gang of hoes, he made millions talking ish and he bought half a millie worth of jewelry from Tiffany’s. If that doesn’t say rapper, I don’t know what does.

Herman Came to Bring the Pain Cain

I’ll be happy when the primaries are over. I need Herman Cain to go away, far away. As if the Olive Oil commercials, ATL Housewives and BET didn’t make Black folks look bad enough Cain comes out reciting lines from Pokemon and the Simpsons. I just really want Cain to stop shuckin’ and jivin’ for these people. When you recite lines from a cartoon it’s no wonder why Ann Coulter thinks it’s okay to make the statement about you being one of “their Blacks.” Actually, with that kind of coonery, they can have you. I’m happy the Cain Train has been derailed and discontinued just like that ice cream flavor he likened himself to. Cain should also consider hanging with rappers because I’m sure they’d tell him that not switching up your hoes periodically is definition of slippin’.

Overall I’ve enjoyed this nomination madness because it’s given me something to watch on the couple days a week when ATL Housewives, the Braxtons and Love & Hip Hop aren’t on.

Who’s your favorite righty? Let me know!

Fake Friends

This topic is something I’ve wanted to write on for awhile but I procrastinate more than a teenage boy maturates. Recently I’ve had 2 experiences (that I know of) with fake something like friends. 1 was with a friend of a friend. The other was with a person who indeed had me confused. It’s okay because she’s now dead to me. You may be thinking “that’s a bit harsh.”  You’re right. If that’s too harsh for you just insert that line from one of my favorite Maroon 5 songs “If I never see [their] face[s] again, I don’t mind.” These people are as useful as a flashlight missing a bulb and batteries during a blackout.

I have a request. Can we put all these people on an island? Ok, maybe just for social things; nah, everything. I’m over 25 and I still have no use for these people. How do you ever have a real interaction with a fake person? I think I need a faketionary because there’s no way I can understand these beings otherwise.

I find these people funny in a sad way. How much is your life lacking that you have the time AND motivation to deal with someone who you don’t care for really? I have a hard enough time keeping up with the people I value. The thought of dealing with people I don’t like for whatever reason appeals to me as much as a root canal. I don’t blame either of these 2 sad souls for what they did, be clear. I blame myself for not recognizing that they weren’t shit in the first place.

If you all have any tips, thoughts or knowledge on this situation please comment because I have a strange feeling I may keep encountering these kind of people and I don’t want them to be confused because the “S” in my name is not for “sucka,” “slouch” or “soft.”

Let’s end with a line from one of my favorite rappers Fabolous…I’d rather a real enemy than a fake friend. Enemies will shoot you from the front but ‘friends’ will stab you in the back.