Monthly Archives: June 2011

10 Things I Hate

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10. Men in flip flops (or sandals). Call me old fashioned but I like my men wearing socks & shoes. If we’re not at the beach I don’t want to see a man’s feet.
9. The City bus. Do I really need to expand?
8. Stores with $10 debit/credit card minimums. Besides the practice being against card policies, it’s ridiculous. Now when I see those signs and I only have one $5 item I just put it back on the shelf. I won’t be bullied into buying extra things I don’t need because some manager wants to play chicken with the Visa machine.
7. People who don’t get or choose to ignore social ques. Have you ever done everything in your power without using words (that would be rude) to show your lack of interest in a topic or person but they just won’t stop? If a person is eating with one hand and texting with the other they probably aren’t interested in what you’re saying.
6. Over Sharing. This is a big one. Some people just don’t understand that every story is not suitable for every situation. This is an icebreaker, no one wants to hear about the 3some you had last week. Save that story for happy hour or “never have I ever.”
5. Emotional Terrorism. There will be a post dedicated to this topic. It’s unfair to subject others to your emotional whims. Having a bad day you want to ruin my mood. . .think again; I’m fighting the War on Emotional Terror.

4. Fast food workers with attitude problems. It isn’t my fault you work in Dunkin Donuts. Just make my Coolatta and I’ll be on my way. Confession: When a person in the ice cream shop gives me attitude I order a half gallon and make them scoop it by hand. I doubt it’ll actually teach them a lesson but it’s my own little retribution.

3. Gentrification. I’m all for revitalization but too many places are losing their character. Not only that, I’m tired of watching the news after the weekend shootings that are nearly certain to ensue and seeing the 3 oblivious White people transplants saying they can’t believe such a thing c0uld happen. Really, you can’t believe someone got shot at 3AM, in the summer, in Brooklyn right after a shady bar closed?
2. Public application of makeup. I don’t mean lip gloss but something about seeing a grown woman try to apply eye liner between train stops is more annoying than words can express. If your makeup routine is that serious, wake up 10 minutes earlier and spare the public.

1. Staunch social conservatism. I’ll dedicate a post to this too. It’s 2011 and this is America. New York just passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Why there’s still a “debate” on gay marriage is beyond me. If you are against gay marriage, birth control and premarital sex, marry someone  of the opposite sex who you didn’t smash before the wedding and don’t plan your parenthood; don’t try to take away all the good stuff from the rest of us.

The Kim K. Problem

Kim K. with number ___ love of her life

Last Sunday, you know I watched E! It was the season premiere of the K Team. There was a scene where Kim and Khloe got into an argument because Kim has now found the love of her life, the White basketball player who might be mute but Khloe had pictures of the 2 previous loves of Kim’s life (Reggie Bush & Miles Austin). It got me thinking, I know reality TV is usually only good for the opposite of thinking. Do any of your friends (most likely female) have the Kim K problem? I know a few of mine do. This problem has been around probably as long as humanity itself. I don’t know about you but being friends with someone who has the Kim K (every boyfriend is the love of my life) Problem is exhausting and amazing at the same time.
You might be wondering why I’m calling love a problem. It’s not actual love that’s the problem. It’s people like Kim K who think every touch of infatuation means someone is the love of their life. Watch a Kardashian marathon and you’ll see what I mean. How genuine is your love if 9 out of 10 people you’ve dated have been referred to by you as “the love of your life?” That’s almost as bad as calling every child gifted. So let’s add that to the list of untrue things that make no sense.
Earlier I said my friends with the Kim K Problem both exhaust and amaze me. They exhaust me because every time I hear from them the conversation is usually something along the lines of “Now I’m with X and I love him so much.” That statement is usually followed by a few unrelated, probably untrue medley of facts about why they make the perfect couple and will certainly live happily ever after. This where the exhaustion hits. I’ve had to train myself to be able to zone out, while keeping a straight face but absorbing enough of the fairy tale so I don’t have to be reminded of it the next time we speak. I can only wonder why these people don’t love me enough to spare me.
I’m no longer amazed enough to give these stories my full attention but the pieces that do make it into my head amaze me. How optimistic, insane, short sighted, etc. must a person be in order to be crazy in love with every person they date? By crazy in love I mean, FB picture posting, BBM icon changing, telling friends over & over. I’m amazed by these things. Are these people serious? Are they crazy? Are they trying to prove something? Maybe they’re taunting me on purpose because they know I’d choose to be tattooed by a blind 1 handed child over being retarded in love.
I have a possible cure to the Kim K Problem. If you or a friend tends to think every person is “the one” treat the situation like any other situation. Are every pair of shoes you buy the best pair ever? Is ever job you have your best job ever? Is each new friend you make better than all the friends you already have? The answer to these questions is surely no. So I say, let’s refrain from being overly effusive about these relationships that have a snowball’s chance in Hell. After all, if every person is the love of your life with whom you wanna have little love addicted babies, are they really that special? Also, do your friends (and me) a solid and spare them from all your love. I promise you, they’ll love you more for it.

P is for. . .

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Let me start by saying never did I ever think I’d be e-begging but here we go. If you come across the letter P under the lid of Dannon Fruit on the Bottom Yogurt please comment on this post. No it isn’t for me. This is an attempt for me to score brownie points at work.

Child Worship

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I’m no religious expert but I do remember hearing something about NOT worshiiing  false idols. With that said. . .let’s talk about the BIGGEST false idols of our day; children.

You can’t log on on to Facebook without seeing someone raving about their child; unwarranted. If you’re anything like me (I know you’re probably not) you think to yourself, “Did your 1000 Facebook Friends including me really need to wake up to ‘sooo happy BooBoo made peepee in the potty and she isn’t even 2 yet’ in their mini feed.” The older I get, the more unbearable child worship has become. Maybe it’s because I’ve met more children and realized that most of them aren’t objectively unique or maybe parental effusiveness is at an all time high. Either way, I’d like to offer my thoughts on the most common parental rants.

  • “BooBoo is gifted, exceptional, etc.” FACT: It is not statistically possible for every child to be gifted. If you don’t believe me please look up the word average. RANDOM: You might also want to look into the rest of the class’ capability before calling your child gifted. There will be times when you’ll pray for you child to be in a class full of stupid people, that time; law school. TAKE AWAY: BooBoo knowing not to eat paste does NOT mean he’s the next Ben Carson.
  • RANT: It annoys me to high heaven when parents of grown (18+) people brag about them being “smart” or “doing well.” By the time your child is old enough to vote you know whether or not they’re a productive member of society. I know it might be hard to admit it if they aren’t a productive member of society because poor parenting is probably a reason why BooBoo isn’t winning. Really, BooBoo’s doing well. . .he’s a 19 year old baby daddy who got kicked out of college and is now working part time at Ikea?! I guess it depends on how you define “well.”
  • “BooBoo is the prettiest baby in the world.” We’ve all seen this. . .someone gushing about how “perfect” their child looks only for you to see a picture and wonder if they accidentally uploaded a picture of a gremlin. FACT: There are some faces that only a mother could love. CONFESSION: If I think a friend of mine has been impregnated by an objectively unattractive man, I secretly pray the baby will get her looks; vice versa in the case of my male friends.
  • “BooBoo is so well behaved.” This is the one that offends me the most. When I see this I think to myself, “if BooBoo’s so well behaved why did s/he curse his pre-school teacher out and attempt to stab a classmate with a Crayon?” TAKE AWAY: Good behavior is easier to determine than intelligence. If your child’s been sent home for disruptive behavior in daycare s/he’s probably not well behaved. We’ll still love BooBoo but you might not want to hold your breath for student of the month.
  • “BooBoo is a soccer star.” The truth is one of the reasons why soccer has become so popular is because any normally functioning child can do it. I know nothing about sports but I’m sure that it’s less damaging for BooBoo to run up and down a grassy field for however long soccer games last than to strike out in baseball because striking out is something that can be measured. TAKE AWAY: Bend it like Posh’s husband was a movie. If your child hasn’t scored/blocked or whatever else they do in soccer all season, we should wait before calling him a star.

Final Point: Humans are biologically wired to love their children. Love your’s but please don’t subject your Facebook Friends, real friends or relatives to every gross and/or irrelevant detail. I love BooBoo too because s/he belongs to you but I’m busy. I just don’t have the time or motivation to read a 3 paragraph email about how BooBoo made it all the way across the monkey bars and is no longer wetting the bed.

Writing this, I realize there is parental worship is prevalent too. It’s not as damaging or widespread as child worship but I have some thoughts on that too. Stay tuned.